Looking for some advice off anyone who has been through similar...trying to help my OH, but first he needs to acknowledge there is a problem, how do I get him there?!!!
So he has always been prone to an outburst. He is passionate, articulate, quick witted and very confident. I love him for all these things. When we first got together these outburst were so infrequent they could be written off. However, life has become more stressful and the last two years I have watched him become angrier and angrier. The tiniest thing could prompt an angry 15 min rant, swearing, name calling, blaming, etc. I walk around on egg shells, I see scenarios everywhere that are going to provoke him and try to alter the course. I feel like I am carrying around a delicate bomb, defending it from all the elements that could set it off. It's completely exhausting to manage, but also to listen to or ignore his contact raging rants, particularly if I am the source of his anger at that moment. Trying not to bite back and defend myself, to pacify him, to problem solve and fix the situation whilst he is just stood there screaming about it.
We have been speaking about it openly for some time now, 7/8 months. I chose moments when he is calm to try and have reasonable conversations with him. I have read up a lot on anger and anxiety in an effort to try to help him manage it. We were going to go to couples counselling, never happened. I got him an anger management book he said he would read, didn't. He agreed to go see a therapist, never booked in. I repeatedly asked him to and yesterday he finally had a conversation with the guy but "thinks it's a load of shit". So now I have suggested the GP, asked him last night to make an appointment with either one, but to just at least talk to someone. He has agreed to go with GP, he's not made an appointment yet and doubt he will, I'll have to have this whole conversation again tonight so after advice in advance.
I feel like he has a lot of anxiety. He sees the worst scenarios, hypothesises all the time about how we will handle what he will say. Everything has to be perfect, from me, to our house, our service providers and if it's not the guilty party will be made very aware it's not good enough. He never stops, he's always busy on work, gym, cleaning, washing, phone and foot has started constantly shaking/tapping in recent months if he is sat still. I'm heavily pregnant and we have a toddler, if I sit down I am "lazy" "sat on your arse" "minimal effort". He doesn't stop to enjoy moments with us if in the house, if we move away from the house, go out for the day away from triggers, we have a delightful family day out. He also doesn't sleep great, never has, but seems worse now. I can see most of his anger comes from anxiety to get everything right, protect us, enjoy and succeed in life.
He just doesn't want to believe there is an issue. Blames me for being "messy" "lazy" but half of his anger doesn't need me to trigger it. Last night, brought up an example of his anger... our toddler having a tantrum and him escalating to screaming "what, what the fuck do you want" to our nearly two year old. I tried to explain that it's not ok, how it will affect him now and in the future, but he just doesn't seem to take it onboard! I mean if that example doesn't hit home, what will?
He loves his son, he is a very loving partner and father. He is expressive and even a little on the needy side, what's lots of hugs and kisses from everyone. But his Jeckle and Hyde personably is driving a wedge between us and no doubt his son.
I want to help him so much, I won't live like this forever or subject my children to a volatile dad as it will damage them in the long term. I have not yet given him any ultimatums as I don't feel it will help the situation. But I have explained to him this is a big issue for us and I will not continue like this forever, that he needs to make a change. But I'm going round in circles with him.
How did you help your spouse realise they had an anxiety or anger problem? How can I help mine?
Thanks xx