Scared of EVERYTHING

[OCDpanic]

Spending my days in bed because it is the only place I feel safe. Get maybe 4-6 hrs sleep per 24 (for lots of reasons not just the anxiety but that doesn't help). Barely eating/drinking. Feel like a waste of air. Letting everyone down, don't want to talk to anyone. But when I do get to talk to people (strangers) I waffle on cos I actually then enjoy it. SO lonely. Single mum but barely see my child due to they're hardly home etc (adult child living at home). Mainly due to work hours but also cos (and I don't blame them) it's no fun spending time with me at the moment. I have a cpn but cos of limited time available for patients not very often.

I have meds prescribed but I'm scared to take them as had a horrendous time with side effects (have tried loads of others too).

I'm sick of feeling like this but can't see a way out. Just want to stay in bed and stay hidden from the world not deal with anything.

Not taking care of myself at all. I'm disgusting. I smell and I look a mess and I'm so ashamed.

Haven't left house in almost 5 months. Even answering the door makes me anxious hell even my text notifications do.

Not sure why I'm posting this. To confess? To hear from others who've had the same? Well over 10 years of TRYING to "get better" and honestly I don't think I ever will be. I've had times where it's been better than this - but SO far from normal. I can't even remember how normal feels.

Even the better points haven't lasted more than a few months at most. What's the point? It's SO hard getting there and maintaining that. Not just mentally but physically.

I'm SO tired.

That's beautiful! @argumentativefeminist.

I seem to have a lump of breakfast stuck in my throat now

Thank you

That is beautiful - wish my family really felt like that.

Thank you gotta - there is a condition (physical) in the family which is not rare but not common at my age but can cause depression/anxiety. A blood test can confirm/dismiss

I've asked if this might be a factor but always been told I was probably too young but never been tested. But this nurse is bolshy and stubborn pro-active and wants to get to the bottom of it all and get me as well as possible on as close to a permanent basis as possible.

Been on meds 2 weeks and she's already got them doubled start the double dose tomorrow night.

Tuesday I did the dishes, cleaned and organised fridge and sorted the grocery delivery.

Yesterday nothing but did eat 2 meals which is 1 more than usual.

Nothing yet so far today but I've told dd I'll cook dinner tonight.

And I'm awake! I'm knackered but I'm trying to stay awake in the day at least

Back to not doing so good.

Sleeping ok-Ish, hot weather put me off eating and went back to snacking/cold foods.

Bloods came back fine for everything apparently except calcium a little low . Which as I'm a cereal and cheese fan is surprising.

Back to doing v little and feeling like the meds aren't helping v much.

Anxiety re doing difficult (for me) tasks is back with a vengeance.

Seeing cpn and a psychiatrist tomorrow. Will be first time I've actually seen a psychiatrist in several years. Though I know my cpn's will have reported back and been guided by whichever psych I was under at whatever time but it's rare to actually see one let alone get a house call!

Cpn knew I'd feel anxious and said not to worry (easier said than done as we all know!).

I'm scared psych will think I'm not trying hard enough (have had this experience in the past with cpn's, psych's and others).

Last week had a day where I had a good tidy, did dishes, sorted rubbish, had a bath, dealt with grocery delivery, changed bed.

Now looking back not only was it too much mentally it was too much physically. I hurt my back very badly dealing with the shopping (stupid of me), then still had to change bed (that was fun!) since then done pretty much nothing. Mainly as I couldn't bloody move!

My main concern though is that I'm 5 weeks into meds, on increased dose and initially it did help and now I don't think it is!

I've tried SO many meds, had difficulties with them all at some point - what if there's nothing left I can take? Nothing the professionals can do? Cpn and Drs whenever I've said I'm not coping have made it clear that meds are the foundation I NEED to get better so feeling a bit screwed!

So far I've tried

Prozac - had NO effect at all
Citalopram - developed a sort of intolerance culminating in a&e admission for suspected stroke (facial palsy, weakness on one side, aphasia)
Another ssri can't remember name - caused psychosis
Clomipramine - worked great for years, until the side effects started affecting me REALLY badly even with a very low dose. Really disappointed I can no longer take this as it basically switched the OCD off!
Mirtazipine - on this now, initially made me very drowsy and I finally got some sleep. Reduced the anxiety, started feeling more hopeful. Since inc the dose that has all been lessening and the anxiety is worsening again.

Feeling like a lost cause again.