Broken husband. Don't know where to go from here

[niddy]

Husband has suffered at times from stress. Usually self managed, no medication or anything.
He's been a teacher for many years, and has been what I can only describe as annihilated by an online malicious incident and following torment by one or two students.
The head is unsupportive and has added to the sense of injustice and powerlessness my husband feels.
We have involved the police who are investigating.
My husband is off sick directly as a result of this, is on antidepressants and has started counselling sessions. He is going to have to leave teaching
He hasn't worked at this school long and therefore gone on to half pay which has a massive impact and adds to the pressure of it and this will stop in a couple of weeks. I work part time.
The sense of unfairness and injustice is making my husband angry and really difficult to live with. My dd is being affected too.
The union us involved, but have no teeth so to speak so all feels hopeless.
He really had a meltdown last night and I'm starting to feel anxious and ill myself.
I don't know what else I can do. We won't be entitled to benefits as he will be resigning and not well enough to work. I'm really scared for the future. Has anyone been through similar? I feel so conflicted. Trying to help and wanting to run at the same time and worried about the damage its doing to my daughter. Feeling guilty too, that I'm about at the end of my tether and considering out routes.
Sorry so long, would appreciate any help.

I‘m sorry you‘re in this situation and don‘t have a clue about what you can do apart from what‘s already been done, but don‘t let him resign!

He is sick because of what happened, and until enquiries are still ongoing, don‘t do anything, and don‘t let the school pressure him into resigning.
Has medication been given by GP? Has he been seen by a psychiatrist?
If this incident has brought up other issues, it will be difficult.
Is the counselling helpful or might therapy be better?
Good luck.

Why does he have to resign? If it's simply because he feels he has no other choice perhaps he needs to rethink - by resigning isn't he just making it easier for the school/perpetrators, and hence adding to this sense of unjustice?
The lack of back-up from school sounds horrible too and I can see why your husband will be feeling in such a bad place. I know it may sound a bit wet but if he can, try to get him to look at the positives that are in his life (family, friends etc) and remind him of good times you've shared. It may help him realise there is more to your lives than this albeit horrible situation.
My dad was a teacher and towards the end of his career he was a supply teacher. I think it was through an agency. He enjoyed it as it meant he could pick and choose where to go and would sometimes lead to job offers. It also paid better. Couldn't your husband do that? I'm sure there must still be a demand for it, and the pressure would be far less as he can always move on quickly and easily from a school he doesn't like. Good luck to you both x

Thanks Mel and Looking. He actually got that job having done supply for a year after getting fed up of the toxic environment of the school he was in which was turning academy.
He did really well and was asked back by all the schools he worked in. He would still work late, go above and beyond and Mark etc. When he didn't need to , kind of defeating the point! He cares too much! This school is now being forced into becoming academy and the behaviour has rapidly deteriorated.
He had though been enjoying it, but this has floored him and feels done with teaching. It's hard to tell what is down to his mental health talking and what he really thinks.
I take your point about not resigning though and will talk to him about it.
I do think this has touched on lots of other stuff too and has brought him crashing down.

He sounds like a very good conscientious teacher, one who is very ill.

Never underestimate the power of negative thoughts when mentally ill within people who care a lot about their job and professional reputation.

Don't let him resign. He is ill. Benefits wise, JSA is allowed if he resigns as a result of bullying or harassment at work. Entitlement to the payment side of it would depend on your hours of work though.

He needs breathing space and time to heal without stress or worries. He also needs to be able to see a way out of this situation.

Can he do private tutoring?
Work in a different LA?

Change career into something else;
Civil Service?
Police?
Prison Service?

Self employment?

Can the Union give clear step by step advice?

That's really helpful to know Fail.
We have talked about transferable skills and he is open to career change.

Thanks too for the reminder of the power of negative thoughts. It's hard to know when to allow the laying in bed dwelling and whether to kick him up the arse to get out for a bike ride, burn off some of the anger. For him to try and take some control and power back within it all.
It's so upsetting to see.
We are getting back in touch with the union tomorrow. It's all gone very quiet, as I think they don't like to contact when work related stress involved. But that adds to the feeling of being forgotten, of no worth for him.

I have to go out for a bit, but will check in later. Thanks so much for your input.

Just checking in @niddy to see how you and your dh are getting on.

From personal experience getting him up and out into nature/fresh air and away from the four walls at home is invaluable. It will do him good for a short time at least and help give him some perspective.

Just saw this thread, hope your DH is ok. Make sure you know exactly where you are financially. Can you go full time while he has a break? Write down any debts, DD, bills, outgoings and ways to economise. This is a practical thing you can do in the face of enormous emotional stress. Getting your DH well again is the most important thing here and you may find that financially you can cope in the meantime which will take the pressure off.

Thanks for your thoughts Fail and ideas Sandy.

We have had a good chat and he is determined to harness his anger away from himself and in the direction of the poor management which has allowed this to happen. A lack of safeguarding and wanting to brush issues under the carpet instead of addressing them properly in order to hang on to power. It was actually dh who involved the police, not the head, which within the circumstances should have been his first port of call sending out a powerful message to the culprits and for colleagues, who may well be next if not treated seriously!

He's also considering informing the governors and not disappearing as I guess the head would like.

I am trying to pick up the slack employment wise and have this week put myself on a public platform for more work as no more hours available where I work. I am self employed as well as employed so that is doable. I don't usually advertise as time poor due to childcare, but dd getting older now.
I think part time work is the better option.

I have got him out today for a bit. He did really well, although I can see his nerves are never far from the surface.

I feel much better thanks to your support and sharing. I kind of want to protect his dignity so haven't spoken much about it in real life. Been just trying to keep things as normal as possible .

I second what Fail said about getting outside/to nature. Really looking at and enjoying the beauty of eg, the landscape/woods/coast helps with perspective - and I have found perspective really is key. As long as your family stays together and has it

Sorry posted too soon (flipping phone!)
....as long as your family stays strong together, which it sounds like you are doing, then you will ride this out. This will pass and far better times will return.

niddy I am so sorry, I really know what you are going through as I am going through exactly the same thing myself. I fact my DH has just stormed out of the house after I tried to question him.

He too works in education (adult education) and has always suffered from depression. Last year he had a health scare and was diagnosed with a stable angina for which he is on medication. He took several weeks' sick leave last year.

On his return his situation at college got worse (he has the boss from hell) and he was signed off at the end of March with work related stress. After years of begging from me he has agreed to CBT counselling and been to a couple of sessions.

He's due back at work next week and has spoken to HR and is off to see occupational health today (that's where he's stormed off to). HR discussed a phased return, perhaps just desk work with no teaching for a while which he seemed OK with.

Last week he went for an interview to do sessional ad-hoc teaching via an organisation he really wants to work for. They'd like to sign him up but there is no guarantee of regular work. It would literally be like jumping off a cliff.

Like you I am terrified about the future. Both financially and as far as his health is concerned. I am self employed, have been for many years and earn the majority of our income, but I don't earn enough to be the sole earner. We still have a mortgage (with less than one year to run) and lots of debts, as well as two teenagers to think about. I have just taken out a £6000 0% interest loan to pay off an overdraft that was costing us loads every month.

Today I tried to point out to him that leaving his job and taking up this offer would be really risky. Not just financially (although I literally don't know how we would stay above water without selling the house) but also stress-wise for him, as he has always been really worried about money (even more so than me).

He has had a complete meltdown with me, saying that if he has to return to work for anything more than a couple of months it would kill him. Blaming me for only caring about money. Saying I never support him (it has literally been 15 years of stop-start jobs for him, sometimes through choice, sometimes because he has been made redundant). Neither of us has much of a pension, and he is 59 this year - it's not as though he can really do much about changing career.

He doesn't give me any chance to put my point of view without accusing me of not caring about his health. But I can only see a career move like the one he is planning as being just as stressful as the job he is in now. He was literally apoplectic. I am so scared he is going to have a heart attack or something as he drives to his OH appointment.

There is no-one I can talk to about this. I am crying as I type. I literally don't know what to do.

(a lot of literallys in that post, sorry)

Words I'm so sorry . It really is awful. I can totally relate to your experience.

Things went from bad to worse last night as dh totally lost control having drank. Became really angry (over nothing) and stormed off for hours.

Was terrified of what he might do to someone or himself.

I rang the police. He returned whilst they were here. Awful night .

Back to GP tomorrow. No more alcohol. Have said if he ever is violent again (punched a wall). I'm done with our relationship. I lived with fear as a kid and I'm not doing it again or putting children through that. They were asleep thankfully, but aware their dad is all over the place.

He is mortified and says he will tell GP everything. This isn't going to be a quick fix by any means.

I daren't even think about finances. In my naivety in an 'up' moment I booked a holiday. Money we really won't have.

Thanks too It's I'm trying to be strong and really not sure if my behavior is helpful tbh.

I felt frightened and it really is a deal breaker for me.

If only we could obliterate poor mental health. It really is destructive and miserable for all involved. to all affected.

It's hard to know what to do. If it wasn't for the kids, or even if they were a couple of years older, I'd call it quits and just walk away. Seriously. We've been married 28 years. But i really can't see us making it to 30.

niddy the police.... so awful. So sorry

Likewise Word. Over 20 years here too and he's in his early 50's. I'm wondering if a mid life crisis thrown in the mix too!

Yes, he was very embarrassed. The weather was really cold raining and windy. He was gone over 3 hours. Back around 3am! I wasn't sure if I was over reacting. Never had to do anything like that before, but have never seen him like that before.

I hope you had a better day today and your husband got on okay with occupational health. I do think heads now just want to ruthlessly 'manage' teachers out these days as soon as signs of stress and burn out begin to appear...ironically usually due to the pressure they have relentlessly inflicted upon them!

The human cost doesn't seem to feature sadly at the moment.

Do try and take care of yourself within it all as best as you can . You're not alone x

niddy he isn't a teacher as such but works in lifelong learning for an FE college. Problems really started when new manager came along. He's not the only one who is suffering there but it is completely destroying him. He is going to have to leave for the sake of his health... I am just worried about what comes next. He's had frequent job changes over the last 10-15 years and they have always resulted in lower salary and increased financial pressure. Mortgage paid off soon which will help.

Good luck to you and him.

Teaching is a killer. I love the job but it burns us all out in the end. It has flared up my disability and I have had a brutal occupational health referral form. It has stripped me down but I have to believe good will be one of it all.

Pleased mortgage freedom around the corner Word.

Sorry to hear of your struggles Step. I hope you get the support you need and it and it doesn't become another pressure for you

Take care

Thank you Niddy. I hope the sunshine is bringing some calmness, even if it is just for a day or two.