It’s a mess a big fat mess

[CrazyCatMum]

Things have been bad for a long time but I was just getting by, existing is maybe the right the word.
Am so paranoid, struggling with day to day life.

I used to trust my cpn but after last week I can’t, I’m supposed to see her on Monday and I don’t think I can.

It’s my sons 18th Birthday today and I feel sick, I stopped breathing during my section and had to be resuitatated, my son had to go straight to NICU as he wasn’t breathing either.
We both messed up. And every year it catches me out.
I feel so anxious and panicky over everything, keep thinking bad things are going to happen be it on the tv or in my house.
I feel like I’m loosing my mind, going mad.
I can’t cope with everyday life, I can’t cope with my life 😢

I'm so sorry, it's horrendous feeling when things get so tough you feel like you're losing your mind

No real wise words but can offer a handhold. The trauma of giving birth to your son sounds like its been haunting you for a long time (understandably). Have you had any counselling or anything for it?

And what happened with your cpn?

I handed in a note to my cpn last week telling her how I was feeling on the run up to my sons birthday, how I was struggling with flashbacks from my childhood and I just wasn’t coping.
I handed it in that morning but never heard from her that day or so I thought. I went to the shop , was only gone 45 minutes and stupidly forgot my phone. When I came home my phone was ringing when I answered it it was the police, because I never answered her 2 calls she phoned them.
I understand they have to do welfare checks but she didn’t give me a chance, it felt like she went from 0 to 100 in a matter of minutes and it scared me, trust is a big thing for me and I don’t no how I can go in and see her tomorrow feeling like this but then I’m scared if I don’t go the police will be at my door 😢 😟

You obviously frightened her, and whatever you said in your note she took very seriously. When she couldn't get a reply to her phone calls she panicked and thought you'd done something silly! She's obviously got your best interests at heart and just over reacted. Go and see her or she'll worry even more!

It seems to me the cpn has your best interest at heart and was worried about you.
If you look at it from a different perspective, this is someone who you can really trust as she has shown that she cares about you and takes you seriously.
Go in tomorrow and carry on as normal, she's done nothing wrong, she was doing her job and you have no reason to not trust her.I
Sorry that you are not feeling very well at the moment, hopefully things will improve for you soon.

I don't think this was a welfare check. I think this shows she really cares about your wellbeing.

She had to make a judgment. You’re being unreasonable about that.