Unbearably anxious

[SemiColonFullStop]

I'm emetophobic and it's really ramped up in the last year following a bug that we all had. It's ruining my life. I am constantly anxious, worried, ruminating- my therapist thinks it's a form of OCD because the thoughts are so intrusive and I can't stop either them or the behaviours I have to do to make them go away.

Also my mum died 2 years ago and I haven't grieved at all. Like literally just haven't mentioned it since it happened except to my therapist and even then I haven't talked about how I feel- just that I haven't let myself go there yet.

I have two little DCs and I regularly cry with how much I love them and how unbearable that is. Life is so fragile and shit and I'm failing them by being so anxious and miserable. If I think they might be sick I literally freeze and have to run away and get dh to leave work. (NB they are always safe. I haven't actually left them in the house yet!)

Every day is a struggle. It's exhausting, I'm knocking back beta blockers just so I can breathe and I'm not enjoying doing things with the dc because of the impending threat of vomit.

I'm also really struggling with the pointlessness of everything. Why are we all here if all we do is die/suffer? The last year has been so miserable and it would be so much easier if I just died. (Not suicidal in an active way, just in a "that would be nice" way)

I have fortnightly private psychotherapy and have tried NHS cbt but the therapist was hard to relate to/trust and I was too anxious to do the exposure therapy so that was the end of that. Medication is being reviewed after an unsuccessful attempt to switch from sertraline (terrible withdrawals)

I'm just so tired and I've spent the day crying. I don't know where to go next with this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and overcome it? Any medication that has worked a treat for ocd/anxiety? Does anyone have words of wisdom that will make things seem less pointless?

Sorry this is so long.

Hi op I don't have any advice but I just want to come and hold your hand (Internet style) and to let you know that I understand how hard it is. I also suffer from emetophobia and have health anxiety. Have tried therapy 3 times, too afraid to try any meds. I'm a mess today too, have a tonsil cyst and a cold and dh's uncle passed away last night so Im really anxious. My sister died 3 years ago and my mum died when I was 15 so I know how hard all that is too. If you want to talk, I'm here.

Thank you

I'm sorry you are struggling too- it's so shitty isn't it? I feel ridiculous for getting so worked up about something so stupid. What kinds of therapy have you had? CBT? I wish I could engage better with it but I just seem to have a mental block.

Also I'm so sorry to hear about your DH's uncle

I suffer from anxiety too - it is truly terrible. Fortunately meds make mine very bearable. With that degree anxiety I think you need to look at your meds. Have you been referred to specialist mental health. Best wishes and take care.

Semicolon - i had cbt in 2012 and it did really help but that was before I had my ds and before my sister died, i had a lot of time to dedicate to the techniques. I had counselling during pregnancy (severe panic attacks due to morning sickness and fear of going into hospital to give birth) which helped a little bit and then I had talking therapy in 2015 after my sister died but it was absolutely pointless, got nothing from it. Do you know why you have a mental block with the techniques at all? It just feels like it will be never ending doesn't it? Some days or even weeks I am great, but it never lasts long and something else crops up to trigger it off. It just seems that norovirus is around all the time now, it used to just feel like it was prevalent in winter months but it's all year round Im reminded of it, work colleagues having it or friends or extended family, I just seem to hear about it every single month!

@LunaTheCat i am trying other medications (switched from Sertraline to Trazodone but the withdrawals from Sertraline were too horrendous so my GP is contacting the psychiatrist again) I haven't seen anyone in secondary services yet because waiting lists and not actively suicidal/ self harming. Do you mind if I ask what medications have helped you?

@Nogodsnomasters it is just never ending yes. I'm sorry you are going through it too.

I don't know what the block is- I think it's fear of both losing control and being vulnerable. I trust my own therapist and have been seeing her for years now (on and off- had two children so a couple of breaks!) but I struggle even to be vulnerable with her. The cbt therapist wasn't very warm or empathetic and I found it hard to trust her.

I'm currently sitting in bed terrified about another week with the kids I am so ridiculous.

I had this level of anxiety when my kids were little and my parents had died. I eventually took prozac/ fluoxetine and it has worked miracles for me.

Citalopram worked well for me - sometimes you have to try several things.
I also found trying not to mentally fight my anxiety helped me - the more energy I put in then the more it sucked from me.
Don’t be too judgemental about your therapist - she is there to teach you something. Try focus on what she says.
Good luck!

I'm the same about vomiting due to me and my son having a bug 2 years ago. Was the normal noro virus going round probably but I've not been the same since. If my mum and dad take him out I won't let them take him anywhere he might pick up a bug. I won't take him to see my grandma half of the time in a nursing home as I'm terrified of picking a vomiting bug up from there, I've even been keeping him off nursery some days if I see the note that there's been illness. It's draining I'm not pregnant with no2 so it's ramped up even more, I know how you're feeling and I hope you feel abit brighter soon

I'm pregnant with no2 I mean lol

It's just so hard, I've given myself contact dermatitis from hand washing so frequently which I never had problems with before until this year. I work full time and find my anxiety is worse when I'm off work for a weeks hols and I have no structure, even if I plan lots of activities by about day 5 I can feel the anxiety creeping in, that's not to say I don't have anxiety when I'm working but I seem to be able to control it a little better or get over it quicker when I am working.