years of living with narcissists! cant quite believe it

[Appleholic]

last couple of years have had health issues which has brought anxiety and depression back. noticed that i have been having panic attacks triggered by paranoid fears after reading about narcissim online, had never heard of it before. and think it might explain wny i always thought my mum was selfish/self absorbed and lacked caring attitude towards me, blamed and guilt tripped me all my life. can see this behaviour in husband, realise i have codependency (phobically afraid of living alone) people pleaser, low self esteem and terrified of conflict. has anyone else felt sick when realising they have been victims of personality disorder person growing up and explains there current mental state. pls share your stories and how you started to recover and be yourself.

My mother is a narcissist, only realised that several years back....since realising that I think it explains a lot about the way I am!

First of all, I just want to start off by letting you know that you are most certainly not alone. I too grew up with a narcissistic mother. Everything bad that she ever felt was always my fault. Even though she was the one who left my father, not the other way around. Simply out of spite, to hurt him by taking his children away. She is a sick woman who continued to abuse me through my teenage years and through to adulthood. It's difficult to even put into words because that exactly how abuse works. Even though deep down I know it wasn't my fault, to this day, I have this horrible dreadful feeling of guilt. Yet I've done nothing wrong but defend myself over the years against her abuse. Leaving me with BPD which I am now struggling even more to deal with now that I'm pregnant. My mother unfortunately will hate my child just as much as she hates me and while I can deal with her hating me, I'm still incredibly hurt about the fact that because of her messed up ways, my child is not going to have a grandmother now. My sister is also pregnant at the moment but as you can imagine, my mum is over the moon for her and giving her all the support that she needs. It makes me sick and all I've done is cry recently. Ive eve had thoughts of self harming but then I always come back to the very same point "what's the point because it's not going to make them care". It hurts so bad but sometimes you have to just leave people to do the messed up stuff they do and do your best to move on and do what's best for you. Which in my case unfortunately is never having anything to do with these people ever again.