Would you change therapist over this session?

[Orangecake123]

I have BPD and I've been in private therapy for almost 15 months now. I see my therapist on skype when I'm not in London.

Today he was 4 mins late just like he was on tuesday.

I said if I turned up late twice I wonder what he would say about it. That it was sloppy. That he thought I would put up with anything just because I was attached.

He apologized and said that he did agree with me that it was sloppy.

I know I sound mental as it was just four minutes. I was the youngest part of me. I couldn't talk but began to cry silently and hid my picture. I didn't talk for maybe 5 mins.

R:"It seems like you're quite prepared to spend the whole session persecuting me, maybe that will bring some relief short term"
S: "I wanted to cut the call but I didn't. It would make no difference I've already paid you."
R:So you feel like the service is not up to standard. Don't get me wrong it's not like you don't have grounds to be upset and I wonder what it would take to get you out of this position. What way can I satisfy you now?
S: Leave me.Just like you said maybe you were being naive maybe the risk to you is greater than you acknowledged. I think you should save yourself.
R: You believe that this incident/event of me being 4 mins late is something risky.
S: No.
R: Well lets put it another way. It sounds like you're threatening me.
S: I'm threatening you?
R: That I better watch out.If I treat you this way then harm may come.
S:Yeah you'll get a petrol bomb because i'm f***g psycho. Anyway those were your words not mine.
R:Whose on trial here?
S: No one.
R: It seems like I'm the one on trial. You say these things "those are your words" make it sound like i'm being judged.
S: okay.
R: What purpose is being gained by being logged on yet not engaged?
S: Okay blame everything on me.
R: I can't see you and I can barely hear you.
S:I don't want to be seen.
R: Tell me how you're feeling.
S: I'm sad.
R: Go on.
S: I'm always sad.
R: Your disappointed in me. That I've let you down. And this doesn't seem like something you can forgive.
S: more crying now.
R: You asked for an extra session S and this is how you're going to pit it out?
S: Yeah okay.
R: Ambivalence. You want more then when you get it you can't engage.
S: Okay blame it on me.
R: Well it seems like you're very stuck on this idea of blame,someone must be held responsible, accountable. Seems like losing the battle one of us has to be the persecuted one. It's not going to be you.Therefore it must be me.

S: More crying then I cut the call at 25.24. Half the session.

I wanted him to call me back but he didn't. So I've lost £20. I just want to disappear right now and feel too ashamed to going back.

Sorry it's hard to follow - did you threaten him?

No. Just quoted back what he said to me previously that he had been naive in seeing only my good points, that maybe he should see the worst in me as well.

What I felt all the way through reading that is that you want/ed to be important to your therapist. Being late and not calling you back made you feel that he isn’t keeping you in mind, that you’re not important.

However, what you don’t need is a lot of internet randoms telling you what your session meant. What is important in your therapy is what is happening for YOU. You are important. Right now you have lots of feelings about that session and therapy is very much like that.

From what you have posted, I would see the therapy through.

Would you say you struggle with abandonment issues? Seems to me like you felt abandoned in those four minutes and then wanted to punish him for that. You were pushing him away - ultimately in the end, by ending the call completely - in the hope that he would come to you. He didn't.

It might be helpful to explore your feelings in the four minutes and your pattern for dealing with those feelings.

In the general scheme of things, four minutes really isn't much. His clock might be different to yours for a start. It's less about the four minutes and more about why you reacted to that in the way that you did.

I know I struggle with abandonment issues. I sent him an email apologizing.

Literally 10 mins before our session I spoke to my mother, who I feel has never really been there for me .

I'm sorry that his tardiness upset you so much. I think talking to your mother affected you a lot and you projected some of those feelings of abandonment onto your therapist. You should discuss the fact that you'd just spoken to her before your session. I think he can help you work through your feelings associated with your relationship with her. From what I read, I think you should continue with the therapy.All the best

Thank you for all the replies.

Talk (in person) with him about it. I say that as someone who has had 7.5yrs of therapy and has had a dx of BPD.

I think that the two of you really aren't working out. It is probably for the best that you find sometime who is better suited to you

Sorry but that whole session was your BPD raging. Both me and my partner have it so I know.

You need to learn techniques to recognise those feeling bubbling and control them.

I've always felt very fragmented. We deal with part theory. I feel like I have 3 two of which are children aged 4 and 7.The oldest "me" is very hostile and doesn;'t trust him at all even after all this time.

I read that and felt pain, which I imagine was similar to what you felt. Being outside it though, it seems like he is someone who is there for you. Even if his lateness was extremely upsetting for you.

I'd try to work on that session with him, face to face.

I don't know if you're into reading things like this, but in case you are... Janina Fisher has a book that has a chapter about the therapeutic relationship in terms of fragmented parts. I found it helpful to just understand how my brain works at times with a therapist. I don't have BPD but I certainly have fragmented parts.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Fragmented-Selves-Trauma-Survivors/dp/0415708230/ref=mpssa111?ie=UTF8&qid=1524839197&sr=8-1&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=janina+fisher+healing+the+fragmented+selves+of+trauma+survivors&dpPl=1&dpID=41z7ousuz3L&ref=plSrch

yes, definitely change therapist. I think this relationship is too damaged now. Its really important that you have a reliable therapist with good timekeeping as its obviously a trigger point

I wouldn’t change therapist. It’s imprtant to learn that our relationship can withstand you being angry with him, him disappointing you etc.

My therapist once forgot to call when she said she would. It took about 6 months for me to tell her I was angry with her rather than be angry at her, and I learnt skills about how I deal with uncontrollable situations within a safe environment.

This isn't our first rupture- we've managed to heal the rest. The longest a good five weeks.He feels more like a parent to me than my real parents do. So it would be hard for me to just let go. I'll see what he says in response to my email first.

Thank you for the book link:. It really does look interesting. I do have a history of trauma and that for me explained the parts .

I would want to change. He was late twice, from what you say he only apologised on the second occasion when you pointed this out to him then turned it round on you - find a new one OP. Whilst therapy is at times painful, you should feel supported and not have to spend your time justifying being pissed off that he is late more than once. Where does he get off saying he should have seen your bad points ffs.

Change therapist. He didn’t apologise for being late or acknowledge that you felt let down by him. I think the trust has broken down.

IT may be that your BPD was playing out in this interaction and he was aware of that and attempting to address that.
The most helpful to you thing to do would be to discuss this interaction in a further therapy session and use it to get some insight into how your BPD affects you. There may be lots in that interaction and your expectations and emotions relating to it that are similar to your triggers, emotions and reactions in real life.
The key for me was when you said you put the phone down then expected him to ring you.

if he feels more like a parent to you than your real parents then you DEFINITELY need to change therapist. The boundaries have become too blurred, and thats without some of the horrible things he has said and the poor timekeeping

I don't feel like I have BPD flare ups. per se. I've been also diagnosed with Major depressive disorder. So I feel like I'm depressed for months at a time, with few ups here and there. I'm currently studying for my second degree which has a large workload and I have exams coming up in around may. But my lows bring me to suicidal levels. I met him three months after I decided that I would kill myself.

In that session I felt like I was being attacked. The oldest part of me doesn't take anything sitting down. But I feel like I did act impulsively by cutting the call we didn't have time to see if we could fix it- that it's my fault. It's psychodynamic. therapy so I always thought those feelings were just transference.

I thought it would be psychodynamic therapy from your description of the conversation. All the more important to go back and talk it through. If after talking it through and reflecting you still don't feel happy you can always terminate the therapy sessions then, but not to go back and talk through what happened is to miss a huge opportunity.

Good luck whatever you decide.