What the bloody hell is wrong?

[Ohb0llocks]

Back story - started suffering anxiety during an abusive relationship (2012-2014), DS1 born in 2014. Mostly low level, few panic attacks.

2015 - met new partner, abuse from previous partner got worse, made threats towards myself, DS etc. Started having panic attacks whenever he was mentioned. GP mentioned possible PTSD, prescribed imipramine.

2017 - fell pregnant with DS2, very anxious about health during pregnancy, with the thought that if I died, DS1 would have to go and live with abusive ex. Finally started to relax and rationalise and enjoy pregnancy, then diagnosed with pre eclampsia. Induced, then had a hemmorage due to torn placenta. Health anxiety spiralled out of control since then.

Felt like I was being punished for relaxing and trying to enjoy pregnancy. I now feel as though I HAVE to worry and if I let my guard down and relax something bad will happen. I have to check on the kids a certain number of times every night and count a certain number of breaths etc. I tried to combat this last night and didn't count when I was checking DS1, and now he's woken up with a red rash behind his ear and a little bit on the front of his neck (he seems absolutely fine). So now I'm obviously panicking thinking he needs to go to the doctors or a&e, and that it's some sort of punishment for not checking him properly and he's going to get ill or die, then baby DS2 might too. Or myself.

It's really spiralling out of control. Last week I made DP move out for 3 days because he had a cough which I know is absolutely ridiculous but in my eyes I was trying to protect my children!

Bloody sucks as The kids are growing up so fast and I want to enjoy it and play and be happy but I'm scared to incase I'm punished in some way

Forgot to mention, I have seen GP (declined antidepressants as BF), and I'm on waiting list for CBT which is 33 weeks long. Can't afford to go private!

What's happening my love is that you've been through an absolute shit ton of really horrific stuff and your brain, which you have to remember works only on its personal experience, has decided that the world is a very dangerous place and that the best way to keep you safe is to be over vigilant.

The thing is, the world isn't generally that dangerous, it's just that you've had more than your fair share of shite to deal with. Doesn't mean that more shite is coming your way. You have to convince your brain that actually, while it's intentions are good, it's being overly cautious and actually making life worse for you. For me, what helped was having someone point out that all the stressful stuff I had dealt with actually was pretty out-of-the-ordinary, and couldn't be generalised as being how the world generally was. So in case that helps you too, let me say that what you have been through is horrific and well outside what is usual. Hugs.

I would go back to your GP and discuss the antidepressants with regard the BF, as I'm pretty sure that there are at least some that are safe.

Thankyou @JamPasty

No worries! Hang on in there - it will get better!