Oh God, what do i do know?

[NameChangerNotATroll]

hi - i am a regular poster but have changed for this as i have rl family and friends on here.

i have a 4 month old ds, and married my dh when i was 20 weeks pg. we were pressured into getting married by our families, and we both feel bitter about it 8 months on. we had been together for a year when we got married. i met dh through an internet dating site, and we got together on there and on MSN. when were first together it was a "fuck buddy" setup - i was happy single, working and getting high. i had my own flat, good friends and was very independent. then i got pg in March '06. Dh stood by me and was very supportive, even though my initial reaction was to abort it. i decided to keep it but miscarried 4 days later. we were both devastated, but decided to try again, as the thought of having a baby together had made us so happy. at the time, he was living with his parents in Surrey and i was living 2 hours' drive away. he was working freelance, so didn't really have a job to leave.

anyway, i fell pg again almost straight away, which neither of us had expected. we then began the laborious task of moving him and all his stuff up into my flat, and for him to find a job. he found what looked like a good job, and we moved into a bigger house a few months later. we then got married.

8 months later, dh's job is a no-brainer, he hates it and his boss (especially his boss!) and we are arguing a lot. i feel like my friends have lost interest in me since i had ds, and i can no longer go out and party or have them round so they can smoke my weed and drink wine (i've given up smoking btw!) we're really struggling financially, but because of dh's crappy boss he can't go for interviews although he's been looking for work for ages. i feel pressured into going back to work by dh, even though we originally agreed i would stay off for a year. the other thing is, we stayed living in this area as we are close to my parents, and they agreed to help us financially if things got tough. well, things are beyond tough and the help hasn't been forthcoming. also, my mum agreed to help with childcare if i did go back to work, but when i mentioned it to her, she made me feel terribly guilty about taking up her time (which it would) and then even more guilty for saying i would put ds in a nursery if she couldn't help.

the upshot of all this is i am starting to really regret everything i've done in the past year. i wonder if dh and i weren't better off as fuck buddies and whether we shouldn't have brought a child into this world at all. i miss my old life and friends. i miss partying and getting high. i'm really worried i'm starting to resent my gorgeous ds, but at the same time i love him to bits (honest!)

to top it all off we're so skint i don't know how we're going to eat for the rest of the month, and i'm so worried that if i don't eat enough my milk supply will dwindle and i won't be able to feed ds. which will add to my stress.

that turned out a lot longer than i thought it would. any perpective would be welcome. thanks

hi

does sound like you guys have been on a bit of a roller-coastter.

you just can never contemplate what a massive change having kids has on you. i totally empathise with missing your old life. especially when the new one is turning out as it should!

my dh and i married and had our dd quite quickly. he has since had mental health issues and has pretty much left me to it. i was very sporty, lots of activities, good job, my own place and much partying too and i seriously miss it all. i think i would miss it anyway but it makes it all the harder because i can't pick any of that back up as i have no support or help with childcare.

anyways, practically if you are struggling financially then you need to find out what benefits you are eligible for asap. at least if you can feel more secure financially that will be one stress less.

your h's boss sounds a bit of a nightmare but surely if he's looking for another job then pulling a few sickies to go to interviews won't make it any worse will it?

how close are you to your mum? can you explain how you're feeling and ask for her support. i thought my mum would go off the deep end about my situ (it's been ongoing nearly 2 years now) but she's been incredibly supportive which was a big surprise! she does 2 days a week childcare for me and dd and her adore each other.

i went back to work after 11 months and now do 4 days per week. i actually found it is good for me (once I got used to being back) as i need a break from dd. it's exhausting tho.

do you have surestart in your area? they may be able to help with childcare and offer support too.

didn't want your post to go unanswered and really hope things improve for you very soon.

try not to focus on how great life was and how tough it is now. it won't help as i have found. and actually, if you really thought about it i bet it wasn't as fabulous as you remember. if i'm honest i can remember being very lonely and expecting to have a very sad and lonely mid/late life without any family.

my dd is the light of my life and i wouldn't be without her for the world and even on the worst of days i have to keep smiling and laughing with her and that's what's probably kept me sane!

I have a saying
"LIFES A BTCH AND THEN IT SHTS ON YOU"
Bad things always seem to come at once.

I think that when you lump everything together it always seems worse,if you can try to seperate things and deal with them individually.

My partner hates his job he cant change because he has no real qualifications but lots of experience ,he feels trapped in a way because he is the main breadwinner and we all rely on him.
We have had lots of arguments about this and he is looking for a job at present but is also trying to focus on life outside of work and not seeing his job as his life.

Your friends do change when you have a baby your priorities change,One way out of this is to try and find friends with children who understand your needs and wants(not always easy i know).

I wish as a parent that I had gotten a part time job and sent my children to some form of childcare,they would have been more independant and I would have been able to be an adult with people to talk to.
If your mum(who offered to help)criticises your choice of childcare just say that you have no alternative.A good nursery can provide wonderful childcare and be somewhere that your child enjoys being.

With regards to your relationship hard times are always a nightmare and cause terrible stress and agony if you feel its worth saving just try and communicate as much as you can.

I hope this doesnt come across as a lecture but I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and I wish that I had discovered mums neta long time ago.

hi paddlechick,

well in response to your questions - we have already been to find out about which benefits we would be entitled to, and basically, we're not entitled to any, as dh earns just enough to put us over the limit, but not enough to keep us IYSWIM.

his job is very stressful and pulling sickies is even more stressful as he knows he will he will come back to the extra work the next day. the best he can do is book days off to go to interviews which is very stressful.

i did speak to my mother about the childcare issue, and she has grudgingly said she will help, but i don't want her to do it if she's not totally happy to. the nearest SureStart place is a good 20 mins drive, not on a bus route and i have no car.

you're probably right about looking back with rose tinted spectacles, but it's difficult not to when you're going through life in a tired haze!!

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time.

It IS very hard to begin with. But your son is only 4 months old and believe me you've got loads to look forward to. You'll find that you miss your old life less and less and will make new friends as well as keep the 'real' old ones. I know what you mean. I had our two quite late and we had been happily childless for years with loads of similar friends. Suddenly we were no longer free. But good friends move with you....and yes, some do drop off but you can replace them with others as time goes on. Do you have any friends that are parents you could talk to about your situation??

Also, you seem under stress about going back to work. Your DS is so young, I think if you can avoid it you should, although I totally understand why you might have to. You say 'help hasn't been forthcoming' but have you addressed your dire situation with your parents in a proper sit down? If they don't want to 'give' you money could they maybe give you a loan until you are all back on an even keel in a year or two? If your DH found a new position would that ease the finances? and in terms of childcare, couldn't your mum maybe do one day a week and you find a very part-time job to just give you a break and a bit of extra cash?

I really do feel for you.