If you had previous MH issues before PND

[AgentCooper]

What did recovery look like for you? I have a wonderful wee 6 month old DS and a long history of anxiety. The past few years have been pretty trying for my mental health - I quit smoking (which I desperately wanted to do and am not going back but learning to deal with my emotions without that crutch has been hard), lost my job, got a new one, got pregnant, moved house then had a difficult birth 3 weeks early and a week in hospital in total.

I haven't had more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep since DS was born (4 hours would be a luxury in fact), he is breastfed and still wakes quite a lot at night. The poor wee thing had reflux and for a while I was sitting up all night holding him upright while he slept, with DH taking over for an hour or two before going to work. He will only sleep with me so the things I used to do in the evening to wind down (swimming, knitting, meditation) have gone out the window. Since he was born I have had some periods of really crippling, frightening anxiety (not really about anything, more like I'm frightened I can't cope and this is my life now). When I'm not anxious I often feel a really heavy bleakness, that I have no idea what it is to be happy or content or look forward to anything. I just feel like I will never feel any of these things again and question if I ever really did. I have moments occasionally where a bit of light shines through and I can imagine feeling alright but they are few and far between now. I feel so guilty, my DS is such a lively, happy wee boy and he didn't ask for me as his mum.

Part of me thinks that I can't always have felt this bad, but another part thinks I probably did and was just hoping that becoming a mum would make me stronger and happier. What horrible pressure to put on an innocent baby I've been on Sertraline 6 years and am not sure how much it helps - I kept thinking I was ready to come off them but would then have a relapse of my anxiety and stay on them. I feel like everything that's happening is just a foregone conclusion - I should have known and never brought DS into this mess. DH has a history of depression but DS seems to have given him a new lease of life and everything to look forward to (he does get 8 hours sleep a night, though, because DS won't settle after a bottle).

I worked so hard to stop smoking and stay stopped but I keep thinking about it, that it would give me some calm and something to look forward to and just thinking that frightens me as I've been quit 2.5 years and do not want to go back.

All the threads and articles I read about PND say you will get your old self back - but what if your old self had MH problems anyway? I don't know if I have a calm, happy self to get back and I feel so, so sorry for this beautiful wee boy. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hopeful bump

I have suffered with depression all my life. I had pnd with my first. I get how you're feeling. Sleep deprivation is a killer. I still struggle now, but my kids are 16, 13 and 9, so you will get through this. Keep talking to your healthcare providers. You also need to make time for you. You dh needs to pitch in more and you need to make sure you let him.

Hi lovely - quick question, are you being seen by the post natal MH team?

I have had huge issues with anxiety and OCD before becoming a mum. I thought I'd more or less knocked it all on the head but when I was pregnant it became problematic again and at a very late stage (like 2w before I gave birth) the maternity MH team got involved.

I really really struggled after my son was born - the anxiety was crippling as he was my first and I had no idea wtf I was doing, in conjunction with the sleep deprivation was just an absolute nightmare. Any time I did sleep I was constantly panicking something would happen to him and I'd keep checking for him breathing again and again. In the end, I used every available bit of technology I could to alleviate some of that anxiety - sonwe bought an angel care monitor so I could stop checking his breathing and finally I got some sleep again! I know this may not be the worry you have, but I found rather than resisting all of the 'fads' people keep telling me about, I used them to my advantage and stopped beating myself up for not being more 'earth' mother like.

Routine really helped too. Some people hate the idea of forced routines but I realised I was desperate to have some control on my day. And as it turned out, my DS loved routine too, so it worked well. I didn't have anybody nearby to help and I wasn't brave enough for baby groups, and my DH worked long hours.

It did definitely get better - once DS was around 5/6 months and wanted to do things more independently I found myself able to have a cup of tea. And as they get older it improves still.

If you think smoking will help, don't deny yourself. You've done amazingly to get this far, and rather than beat yourself up for wanting one, just do it. I smoke, and although I hate doing so and hated it when my DS was small, I realised I couldn't keep piling on pressure - if it released me for a little bit until I could address it properly, then so be it.

My anxiety is terrible again but it's less to do with my son and more to do with me and my issues.

Hi lovely - quick question, are you being seen by the post natal MH team?

I have had huge issues with anxiety and OCD before becoming a mum. I thought I'd more or less knocked it all on the head but when I was pregnant it became problematic again and at a very late stage (like 2w before I gave birth) the maternity MH team got involved.

I really really struggled after my son was born - the anxiety was crippling as he was my first and I had no idea wtf I was doing, in conjunction with the sleep deprivation was just an absolute nightmare. Any time I did sleep I was constantly panicking something would happen to him and I'd keep checking for him breathing again and again. In the end, I used every available bit of technology I could to alleviate some of that anxiety - sonwe bought an angel care monitor so I could stop checking his breathing and finally I got some sleep again! I know this may not be the worry you have, but I found rather than resisting all of the 'fads' people keep telling me about, I used them to my advantage and stopped beating myself up for not being more 'earth' mother like.

Routine really helped too. Some people hate the idea of forced routines but I realised I was desperate to have some control on my day. And as it turned out, my DS loved routine too, so it worked well. I didn't have anybody nearby to help and I wasn't brave enough for baby groups, and my DH worked long hours.

It did definitely get better - once DS was around 5/6 months and wanted to do things more independently I found myself able to have a cup of tea. And as they get older it improves still.

If you think smoking will help, don't deny yourself. You've done amazingly to get this far, and rather than beat yourself up for wanting one, just do it. I smoke, and although I hate doing so and hated it when my DS was small, I realised I couldn't keep piling on pressure - if it released me for a little bit until I could address it properly, then so be it.

My anxiety is terrible again but it's less to do with my son and more to do with me and my issues.

I had post natal psychosis so was very ill. Treated with antipsychotics which put me into a profound depression. ECT took me out of that. Many many years and ineffective medication later, found that yes, I have a mild but manageable mood disorder (cyclothymia) that was vastly exaggerated by PNDD caused by progesterone intolerance. Now on a regime of HRT plus Mirena which is just about tolerable (would have preferred a hysterectomy).

My point: if you had mental health issues before PND, consider the possibility of PNDD and hormonal rather than psychiatric treatment. Visit www.studd.co.uk for more info.

Thanks everyone

ginger I do need to be clearer with DH about what would help. I think he thinks I don't mind that he can go off on his own for an hour to mess about and I can't, but I do.

ButtMuncher thanks for telling me it gets better. I'm so sorry you're struggling with anxiety again, do you have help in place? I'm not under the peri-natal team just now but am going to go to the doctor next week when my current prescription runs out. I get what you are saying about the smoking but I just can't go back to it - when I did smoke I was always so anxious about not being able to quit and feeling controlled by it so for my own sanity I need to keep going, even if the devil on my shoulder is telling me it would fix my problems. My absolute dream is to get to the point where I really don't need it, and I figure the more years I have without it the more realistic that could be.

borntobequiet, I'm so sorry to hear you had psychosis, that must have been awful. What you say about progesterone is interesting because I think I react really badly to synthetic hormones - I don't think the pill did me any favours emotionally and I felt hideous on the pessaries and induction drip when giving birth to DS.

I'm hoping the doctor can do something with my medication to help.

If you have PMDD and the cause is progesterone intolerance, it’s your own progesterone causing the problem.
Yes the psychosis was horrible, but so were the many years of barely hanging on to sanity for half the month because of PMDD! Certain formulations of oral contraceptive helped as they provided extra oestrogen and lessened the variation in progesterone over the month. Oestrogen patches helped at the onset of perimenopause. I use oestrogen gel now.

I had exactly the same when ds1 was born, after previous history of depression. It feels so bleak, hopeless and permanent. I felt my life was over, everything was ruined, i was a terrible mother and terrible person. Felt so sorry for poor baby with such a crap mum he didn't deserve.
But... it does get better. It really does. How you are feeling is not permanent and it s not the 'truth' - it's your frazzled and EXHAUSTED brain going haywire. I needed medication and mh nurse support to get through it but there is light on the other side. The omportant thing is you recognise you are not seeing things right and need to adjust. Do not let yourself believe this is 'just how life is' now. It's not.
Good luck. X

Thanks born, I'm hope you're finding relief with the oestrogen gel - nobody ever takes 'women's' problems seriously, do they? I know a woman who has PMDD and I may ask her for a chat.

atticus thank you for that kind post, it had made me cry (not in a bad way). I do need to see the doctor and my prescription running out this week gives me an impetus to do that. Do you get on OK these days? I realise that I will probably keep encountering anxiety and depression through my life and need to accept that.

OP - ah I get you on the smoking thing. If it'll cause more anxiety don't do it. And when you pick up your prescription I'd definitely see if you can open up about how you are feeling and mention you think it would be beneficial to see the post natal MH team. As scary as it sounds they are there to help and support you not pick holes or judge. I had a great MH nurse who I'm still in touch with.

My anxiety is more health related so it comes and goes - this year has been awful for bugs and viruses so it's nothing to do with being a mum per se but more about trying to get treatment for a phobia I've had all my life - so it's not so much linked with maternal health as it is mental health. Being a mum has most certainly contributed to it due to the overwhelming responsibility and the fact I work full time too, but hopefully it'll get easier.

I gave up smoking with patches, then started again when I was going through a stressful separation. The nicotine addiction made me feel ill, and have stopped again although I have a rare cigarette at night.

Oh health anxiety is horrible ButtMuncher, I really feel for you. Has any therapy helped?

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I've been feeling a bit better, still up and down though. Wee DS is sleeping on me and I've got Ru Paul on the telly.

Sorry you’re going through this. My anxiety flared up after both my DC, and unfortunately I didn’t seek help early enough and struggled for a long time, to the detriment of my health and relationships.

First, suggest explaining what’s going on to your GP - your meds may well need adjusting, and there might be talking therapies that could help.

Secondly, unless he has a job that could be dangerous to do when sleep deprived your DH could do much more night care for the baby. Eg whole nights 2 or 3 nights a week, or a specific stretch of time 5 nights, one whole night and one night off! Sleep can be a huge factor in MH, and you are exhausted. If you are breastfeeding he can still do most stuff and bring baby to you to feed.

Smoking is an unhealthy way to try to deal with the anxiety, and can affect DC, so would be better if you can to adjust meds and seek other “self soothing” options, eg gentle exercise, sleep, bath, book, music.

Therapy helped a while ago but up until recently I've been okay (I say recently, more like 2 years) and I've done the classic 'I'll be fine' mantra till I was blue in the face I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Tues through works health insurance to determine full diagnosis of OCD rather than just GAD which is too broad.

Oh and RuPaul cures all ills - whenever I feel low I pop it on. Are you watching s10?

Dozer, thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through this. It is difficult to think how DH could realistically help in the night because I co-sleep with DS and breastfeed. It's the frequency of his waking that's the issue and he does take a while to fully settle back to sleep afterwards. We tried with a bottle one night and he was basically awake again for an hour One thing I could and will do is ask DH, on the mornings that he takes DS when he wakes up (weekends), to actually take DS out of bed and downstairs so I can get my head down properly for a wee bit. Because right now he plays with him in the bed and there's no way I can get a rest. He didn't take him this morning as he needed to catch up on work and went into the office. To be fair DH does most of the cooking and loads of cleaning but that doesn't get me more sleep, God love him.

And my God I would love a bath and a book! I was supposed to get a bath for my birthday back in November (how tragic is that) but it only lasted about 15 minutes because DS's reflux was really bad and he was screaming. I haven't read a book since DS was born because by the time I get into bed I'm too tired. I could actually read while DS is napping, mind you, instead of being on my phone.

ButtMuncher I really hope the meeting with the psychiatrist goes well and gets you on a happier path Yes, I am watching RPDR season 10 and loving it! Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Miss....Vanjie

I came off ADs to ttc dd1 - had been on them for several years at that point, I've been depressed since my teens.

After she was born it became obvious really soon that I had PND and I went back on them. That dd1 is now 18 and I'm still taking ad medication - had antenatal then postnatal depression with ds and by dd2 coming along we didn't even consider coming off. Dd2 is now 14 and my consultant has tinkered with my tablets but I'm very wary of stopping anything. I'm also taking a mood stabiliser these days and maybe things will change, but tbh I'm scared of trying without medication!

It's so hard to strike that balance in the early days. I had to give up BF early due to latch issues (and tbh, I had a traumatic pregnancy and birth and just wanted a break so I never consulted LLL) and what made a huge difference was DH doing that late PM feed. Is there any possibility of having your little one sit or lay on DH around 8/9 and you getting your head down and your DH giving your little one a bottle around 9/10 if needed? This saved a bit of my sanity as I'd get my head down for a few hours before the early morning feed.

Missssss vanjieee! Love it! Can't believe she went out so soon! We have a RuPaul Drag Race thread in tV if you want to join in! Who is your favourite queen of all time?

So many of these posts relate to me. I had terrible PND with my little one, whom I adore. I guess not having a family support network was tough too. I uploaded a vlog about it on my channel Clara Sais. Sending hugs to everyone x

weegie I know what you mean about being scared to come off them. I'm guessing from your name that we're from the same city (which held a certain sporting event today, thank God that's over).

ButtMuncher I will definitely be over to the Ru Paul thread! Shangela's my number 1

Clara I hope things are better for you and your wee girl now.

Thank you AgentCooper. She is fine. Such a beautiful and bright little girl, I'm so lucky. I still struggle with my mental health though x