BPD and treatment

[thatcoldfeeling]

Have just been dx'd with borderline.
My main symptoms being I am crap at interpersonal relationships, impulsivity, self harm, no sense of self, and mood swings.
I am also bulimic but that was dx'd ages ago and kinda obvious.
On the one hand I am horrified about having BPD, on the other, it explains a lot.
Anyway, has anyone had treatment for BPD, and importantly - any success stories!?

Just me then!?!?!? Am feeling really like I actually am maybe not borderline anyway after reading loads about it - I have empathy - I think and hope I do anyway!

Hello, there are a few of us here have or had BPD, there have been a couple of threads over the last year, though not sure whether they were in chat and have disappeared. I was never formally diagnosed (it was bad nearly 30 years ago and either no one gave a shit or they thought it was hopeless in any case) but my symptoms sound similar to yours, couldn't cope with relationships, self harm, substance misuse, poor emotional regulation. I got myself out of it through a mix of counselling, exercise, yoga, lots and lots of reading and writing, and having positive relationships.

I've recommended this book many times, but Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score was revolutionary for me in understanding what was going on in my brain and body. I still feel I have the shadow of it, I'm not in a relationship and worry that I'd struggle if I was, but I do feel now mostly "normal" - whatever that means!

Btw I am also empathetic and have always had strong friendships (though I used to be v demanding of my friends and have lost lots in the past due to my anger issues/ black and white thinking) - I've done pretty well at work too so managed those relationships pretty well most of the time.

I was diagnosed with it in 2014.
I’ve been in therapy since 2011 and I think I’ve now internalised enough of that that I don’t have any of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.
It’s been fucking hard work getting to here, and I could still self harm etc but I now know who I am, and can (and have) build healthy relationships.

I always imagined that I would be like it forever, but there is hope.

Oh wow, thanks Gerbil and Caulk, this has actually made me feel really hopeful!
It would be amazing to no longer feel like this!

My most useful tip is to keep your life simple! Keep away from drama filled people. ,accept you feel the good and the bad more strongly than others.

The psychiatrist changed my diagnosis to it about 12 years ago but didnt actually tell me, apparently it wasnt relevant. I found out the change while i was being treated on a medical ward and a dr alluded that my medical condition was a result of my BPD. The 15 years prior to that i was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder,

I now see a different psych who have a good working relationship with, i did a 10 week course last year in relation to self harm via personality services for 1 hour a week, i couldnt keep up due to physical illness with a different course this year which i will be reoffered and i have monthly visits from cpn.

Things arent perfect but they are a lot better than they were for a number of years in my early 20s when i was on a constant cycle of revolving door admissions with 8/9 months of each year in hospital minimum,

i saw PD services in 2015 who did a 2 hour assessment and i knew i was going to come out with a personality disorder of some kind as that was all they would assess for, so in a way im not fully comfortable with the diagnosis as no matter who had gone into that room (someone with no mh history) by putting them against all the PD criteria they were going to come up with at least one, either primary or secondary - i have 2 of each so 4 in total

Understanding that it was the neural pathways in my brain that were wired "wrongly," so seeing it as a physiological problem, helped me to stop feeling as though it was my fault (you know when you get called all of those crappy things like you'd choose to be like this!). The one single thing I'd say to do echoes the PP, just hang out with people who have good emotional regulation, this helps to rewire your brain. It may be professionals, colleagues, friends, family. I spent most of my 20s / beginning of my 30s with people who were just as fucked up as I was (they understand you often so it's not all bad) but as I got older and spent time with more stable people, gradually I changed too. And being a mother has been great for me too! (I never thought I'd have a child as I was too "mad" but turns out it's actually made me a much more sensitive parent!

I'm currently being assessed and have a diagnosis of adult add with severe emotional dysregulation. Have never self harmed but have all the other BPD criteria ticked. And I don't fit many of the adult add criteria ( to me, clearly the psych saw something )
I'm about to start cbt /dbt.
Have you and any therapy post diagnosis @thatcoldfeeling?

These comments are all so reassuring, and thank you for all the advice. It does make me feel better to know this is a 'brain wiring' issue as such and it can be cured and its not my fault.

Johnny, no therapy, and seeing a CPN weekly but have told I am not safe enough for therapy yet and that I have to stop bloodletting and eating disordered stuff first, which apparently the CPN is supposed to help with.

Can you access psychotherapy? No way my therapist would have told me I had to wait before seeing her. They often offfer a reduced rate if finances are tough

Unfortunately I've seen lots of women turned away from therapy because of some sort of self destructive behaviour - do they not see that the self harm etc. happens because of your emotional state, which can be helped by therapy?! One thing that I read was about how we feel emotional pain much more strongly than other people and this becomes unbearable, I believe emotional and physical pain receptors are in the same part of the brain, and that's why we've ended up with dysfunctional coping strategies (although in another way they will have been developed because they were once functional for us).

Over time we can unlearn this and not feel the pain so intensely in the first place, in the short term it may be a case of recognising what's happening to you and trying to find kinder ways to cope with the pain. I have The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook, which has some help around this. I became able to have the feelings but to recognise that I didn't want to use old patterns of coping, I wanted to make a different choice.

Unfortunately I can't afford private, NHS is my only option and I have been told it would not be 'safe' to have therapy now. Which I really disagree with, I think the sooner the better, and if the CPN can help with behaviour specific stuff alongside that would be great, but just seeing the CPN and being told what I have to do but not really having any support, that just really sucks. Especially as I am really struggling not to do these things. The CPN has actually been totally unhelpful so far, I don't feel any different to doing it on my own.

The DBT skills workbook sounds good - I have seen quite a few self help books that I would like to read but need to be careful about money. And I am on my local library committee so would be too embarrassed to order them on loan! I am reading The Compassionate Mind at the moment though and that is somewhat helpful.

I would love to not feel the pain so intensely, that sounds like a miracle!

If you Google you should find plenty of DBT resources without needing to buy the book, hopefully something that will be helpful. I know what you mean about library books, I sometimes worry about things sitting on the reserved shelf for me - especially as my mum often reserves books too!

I started seeing my therapist three months after I decided for the first time I would kill myself. I've been seeing a private psychodynamic therapist for almost 15 months now. With the first 9 months at two sessions a week. I see him for £20 less than his usual £60 a hour fee and I'm studying for my second degree.

At the start I didn't even know what I was feeling. I've been self harming and diagnosed with major depression since I was 14 and bullied at school., but even before that I had horrible anxiety as a child. I grew up in a house watching my father beat my mother.I was in denial and thought it was normal to be called a bitch or a prostitute. I never really felt safe at home. It was literally like walking on eggshells as everything could set our father off, you had to watch everything you said or did . I've always felt fragmented. For me childhood trauma explains my hyper aroused brain. We deal with part theory, I have parts that essentially are children aged 4 and 7. I can remember being beaten at those ages. I didn't know how to self soothe and calm myself down. I hate having overhead lights on and mainly just use lamps. Scented candles, soft blankets and hot tea are a daily thing. But also small things like nice lavender soap, real coffee, cheap supermarket flowers weekly (I just started this) because that helps lift my mood. A massage every 2/3 weeks or so.

Before starting I felt everything very very strongly. I was all or nothing.My mood changes were dramatic. I had five breakdowns in the year before I started seeing him where I couldn't stop crying for days. It was nothing but extreme ups and downs. I'm not 100% better. I still have very low days like today and yesterday night where I've cried, did zero studying, slept and stayed in bed mainly watching random videos on youtube to distract and numb myself instead of cutting. BUT I've noticed myself having more up moments. I rage less, but my angers still there. The voice in my head is harsh. I can recognize acting out behavior and realize I can choose not to act out but talk instead. I stopped accepting less than I deserved in friendships where I felt like I couldn't say that I wasn't happy and it was about being there 100% for them. It has been very expensive but I didn't see myself living beyond 26, but it's his belief in me that changed things.

Books I would recommend:

Hygge the danish art of happiness (I think)
Borderline personality disorder- get me out of here.
I hate you please don't leave.
The gift of therapy
DBT skills workbook by Mathew Mckay

Hi,
I started seeing a private psychodynamic therapist over 10 years ago. I saw her for 7 years and we concluded that I have BPD (high functioning also known as ‘quiet’).
My BPD behaviours are triggered under extreme stress, otherwise apart from lacking close friends, I can pass for ‘normal.’
After several suicide attempts during my last relationship I was admitted and assessed by the PD service. They assessed me over a month and agreed that I have ‘quiet’ (high functioning) BPD. I was discharged from the service because I am high functioning and being around other people with severe mental health problems just makes me worse.
I am now seeing my therapist again and I really, really recommend psychodynamic therapy with a properly qualified therapist. The work is hard, but it is one of the reasons that I am still alive.
Other than that I would suggest that you identify triggers and minimise them. I cannot cope with high levels of stress, conflict, alcohol, drugs, uncertainty and unstable, highly emotive people.
Good luck and best wishes.

I would also echo OrangeCake’s description of how childhood trauma effects us. My parents fought all of the time. My father abused my mother and they both abused us. The abuse was physical and emotional. My father’s rages were terrifying. My mother was, and still is, very cold and lives in a world of denial.
I have very, very few meomories of childhood apart from my father’s rages.
I have heard BPD described as the emotional equivalent of thrid dgree burns. We are exquisitely sensitive to emotions - our own and others - and often behave as if we are missing protective layers of skin. What others would brush off we notice and feel to our very core.

My story is similar to Orange and Iris. I think there's a genetic component too that means we are more affected in the first place. I've never heard the description "quiet" but that's probably like mine - I didn't get any help because I could hold down a job but it didn't make any of the rest of it easier to manage, and because I didn't get any help in my 20s I continued drinking and self harming for another 15-20 years, which has given me physical health problems now in my late 40s. I know of a few women's services that are good at working with women with BPD but my personal and professional experience with the NHS is that it's woefully inadequate.

I can only agree that assistance on the NHS is woefully inadequate here too. I wasn't told it was my diagnosis for 20 years!!!

I come across as quite cold but mainly I suppose it's a learnt response because people have no clue how deeply you are feeling and just how vulnerable you constantly are.

I am struggling with mine at the moment. I am now early 40s and only diagnosed 4 years ago so only been getting correct medication for three. I hate it it affects every aspect of my life. I am sick of anxiety and having meltdowns. I have just had a few days without my antipsychotic due to psychiatrist fuck up and been vomiting etc thankfully I had one last night and feeling a bit better. Mine wasn’t so much childhood trauma it was my first husband. Every category of abuse there is I suffered it. Second husband only slightly better. I hate the name of the diagnosis it should be changed as it infers imo that a persons personality is broken and other people can be a bit weird about it. I’m waiting for specific therapy now which is good. Three months ago I have been prescribed pregabalin which is a little helpful. Iris that’s interesting you have few childhood memories because I don’t either!

thatcoldfeeling I find it really disappointing that the NHS would suggest you dont work with a properly trained and qualified therapist.
Obvs i know little about your situation but that is disappointing as an approach.

I have BPD too, I really struggle with relationships, feeling abandoned, and the biggest one is anger. I have no control over it and I feel like I'm losing my partner. I have had therapy but it wasn't enough and need more. How do you feel daily?

Thanks all this is so helpful to read. I think I am 'high functioning'/'quiet' whatever as I also work and have actually previously been told that having a job means I therefore 'function' and don;t require psychology services!

I agree there is definitely a genetic component, but then I think if certain traumatic events didn't happen (a whole chain of them, and also partly arising from my own risky behaviour and crap relationships) then I wouldn't be so totally messed up.

Aroom - I think it is because they don;t want me to self harm if I find psychology difficult? I am skeptical too though.

Lozxx - my 'everyday' is really up and down. I have just had several mostly good days but then this evening I just ate something off my meal plan (also trying to recover from ED behaviours at the moment) and that made me want to self harm. I also just feel constantly vulnerable to the smallest thing.