Any chance of a stable relationship

[Emily1406]

I only joined today and this is my first post so I hope I am getting it right...

I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, self-harm and general poor mental health since I was about 12. I’m 25 now and have largely developed coping mechanisms and ways to get by with my issues WHEN I am single. I’ve had several serious, long term relationships and lots of shorter relationships. Whenever I am in a relationship my mental health deteriorates hugely.

In relationships I am incredibly emotionally unstable, my depression and cutting gets worse, I have regular meltdowns, I KNOW I am being irrational, emotional and unreasonable lots of the time but can’t seem to stop myself. I have almost toddler like tantrums, have been violent, and absolutely exhaust myself with my emotional instability.

I’ve had some amazing boyfriends in the past who have tried incredibly hard to help me and support me but it seems no matter what I do, what professional help I seek, what mechanisms I put into place, this just keeps happening again and again. I’ve destroyed every relationship I’ve ever been in because sadly I grind people down with this behaviour and it becomes unhealthy for them to know me any more. Some have tried to continue to support me as friends but the behaviour continues much the same.

I am currently discussing a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder with my psychiatrist at the moment. My questions are, has anyone ever experienced anything similar and managed to overcome it? Is there any chance of me ever having a stable relationship? I know I am the problem, rather than not having “met the right person”. All I’ve ever wanted is a family and children and I’m starting to think this will never be a possibility for me, due to my inability to change my behaviour.

Any insight, advice etc. welcome. Thank you

I'm currently in the process of being diagnosed with BPD.

I've had 3 failed relationships. One of which was a marriage.

I'm too needy & clingy....I need someone to really want me. If they don't mirror my feelings, I will have a massive meltdown & bin them off only to contact at a later date to kick off because they didn't try to contact me.

As l was reading your post l was thinking this woman has borderline personality disorder and then you mentioned it. There are great courses for that and maybe with a proper diagnosis you can get more definite help aimed at your specific needs. You sound like you have great personal awareness so l hope you find help.

Are you taking medication? This will help stabilise your emotions.

25 is still quite young.

Once you are older your self control will likely be improved and your emotions may mature

I have bpd, depression and anxiety. I simply can't function in a relationship. The feelings and emotions are just too strong to cope with and I loose control of my thoughts and actions. It's hard to deal with but something I've had to learn to accept.

I do hope that I'm one of the lucky ones to 'grow out' of the bpd and that maybe in the future it will be possible.

But this is just my experience, I know many with bpd that are in happy and fulfilling relationships and marriages.

I relate to you eyes, sadly I cause all the hurt, upset & anger in a relationship.

I can't cope with the feelings & emotions like you. It's horrendous yet I can't just walk away & stay single.

I can't be with someone yet I can't be without anyone.

I'm on the waiting list for intensive therapy but it could be a year.

@stop I think I'm used to being on my own now. I put more energy into making meaningful friendships instead which seems to be working well, though I do still crave the intimacy that a relationship brings.

I've just got to be strong because I know it's just not worth it, I can't cope in a relationship, and when it breaks down I turn psychotic, so the best thing is for one not to happen in the first place!

I do hope therapy works for you.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

StopBeingAGoat I completely identify with what you're saying. I need constant reassurance and most of these meltdowns seem to start because I've identified "proof" that the other person doesn't care about me.

QuiteLikely5 I've been prescribed Citalopram, Sertraline, Mirtazapine and Venlafaxine in the past, none of which I've found made a difference unfortunately and I've generally been very resistant to medication. These were all prescribed just for the depression so perhaps wouldn't be the right thing for BPD anyway?

EyesWideShut This is exactly how I feel and really the reason I posted this evening! I feel resigned to the fact it just isn't possible for me... like you I hope I can grow out of it or learn to manage it but it seems such a risk to keep hurting people if I fail. I've hurt some really special people and am scared to ever try again and have history repeat.

@Emily in the past I've been on citalopram, sertraline, mirtazapine and fluoxetine. None of them helped the bpd. I'm now on quetiapine and it's made a big difference. Life is now live-able if you get what I mean.
I still don't feel I'd be able to cope and act appropriately in a relationship but I'm not constantly riding the emotional rollercoaster anymore.

Thanks @eyeswideshit that's really helpful, and I'm glad the quetiapine is helping you. It feels like I'd be able to manage emotions better if I wasn't always so drained/ exhausted from the previous meltdown, so perhaps a similar medication would help me. Will add to my list to discuss with the psychiatrist :)

I have BPD and I've struggled with the same issues with relationships since I was a teenager. I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and things are going really well. I forced myself to be single for two years because I knew I needed to be on my own and learn to be ok with that. Things are tough sometimes and it takes an incredible amount of work to control my impulses, but I just wanted to reassure you that it is possible.

I'm still on the waiting list for therapy but I've done a lot of self treatment. Forcing myself to get out of bed, exercise and eat well and go to work. A lot of the time I'm forbcing myself to do the opposite of what I want to do in that moment. There's some dbt resources online that you can start working on and applyingto your life. We shouldn't have to do this ourselves but until the NHS offers us treatment sometimes we have to make do

I am diagnosed with BPD, and will be celebrating my silver wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. My DH is a saint, I push him away, then beg him back but he know it is my illness. My worst symptoms are the black & white thinking, it is or it isn't, no grey areas.

@HannahGlasgowGal @clairethewitch70 thank you for your responses, I actually found them so encouraging I burst into tears!

It's really good to hear that you've both found ways of having a successful relationship, I'm happy to work hard at it and Hannah your coping mechanisms sound quite similar to mine already, with forcing myself to maintain some semblance of routine (even if some days just brushing my teeth is a success!)