Am I depressed??

[ThereMustAndShallBeTea]

I have no idea what I'm asking.

I'm exhausted all the time. I've just been tested for apnea, which I was sure I had, and it's come back negative, so I googled why I'm tired all the time and google suggested depression/anxiety. I've had blood tests etc and there is no other physical reason eg thyroid, anaemia etc.

I did the NHS depression test and it came back as mild depression (13/27) and then another one which said moderate (score 22, not sure out of how many but it said should see GP for any score over 17).

Since starting to read about the suggestion that I'm depressed I've been crying.

I don't feel like I am depressed ... More to the point I feel like I have no reason to be depressed: I have my own home, three lovely kids, great husband, we're okay for money etc. So being depressed seems ridiculously self indulgent.

I cry a lot but because things are sad! I feel like I am fucking things up basically all of the time: parenthood, my job, friends etc. I don't have any friends. I feel like no one is really bothered about me except DH. The future seems fairly bleak. I can't find the energy to do anything and then beat myself up about it.

But I also feel kind of okay? Surely all parents feel anxious and guilty all the time? And the world is full of shitty sad stuff.

I was depressed/self harmed in my teens and suicidal at uni. Was diagnosed with anxiety after the birth of DS1 six years ago and had CBT, which I didn't feel helped. I don't feel like this is the same as any of that.

I feel like a hypochondriac fraud and people will think I'm being ridiculous if I say I think I might be depressed. Feel like my GP is going to blacklist me.

First things first, can you try and get print outs of the blood test results you had?

I was prescribed anti depressants a few weeks back as I was in a really bad way. I have just had some blood test results which they say are ‘normal’ but for example, my level of B12 was 195 in a reference range of 150-900 so whatever they say is normal may not be YOUR normal. I know from past experience that having the B12 injection makes me feel so much better (and last time I was at 250 and went up to 900 after the injection) so it’s no wonder I feel like shit. I’ve had the same with thyroid - ‘normal results’, feel like crap, tweak medication and then feel like a different person.

It’s hard because you need to be your own advocate at a time when you least feel able to, but try to assert yourself and do some research into ways you can improve your overall health based on some possibly borderline results.

You could try replenishing your stores of all vitamins, getting outside for some vitamin D (although at the moment with the terrible weather that’s a tall order on all counts) and maybe some yoga or something to help ease your mind.

Don’t give up hope, there may be something simple you can change. I hope your DH is supportive as you need an ally when you feel like this

"Fucking this up, only dp bothered, future is bleak..." these sound like difficult thoughts. It's probably good you don't feel depressed as such, but you are having some sad thoughts and I'd seek out some talking therapy to work out what I can do to overcome these thoughts and breathe some new interest into my life. I am however very pro therapy. Good luck op-everyone feels down sometimes.