I can't stop hating my kids and partner! :(

[tinytinker93]

So this is going to be a long one so please bare with me!

So I suffer with depression and anxiety and I'm not sure if this is why I feel the way I do!

Me and my partner have 4 kids 2 boys 1 and 3 and 2 girls (twins) who passed away shortly after birth.
Since having my first son I've hated being a mum like seriously hate it and I tried to carry on and be there for my son but then in march 2016 we lost at twin girls at 23 weeks and things really spiralled from there, there was a lot of arguments between me and my partner and things became very strained but we stayed together for our son. Shortly after I started to struggle with my son, I kept asking myself why did he make it and they didn't? I always wanted girls and I felt like I'd been cheated out of the one thing I'd always wanted, I then found out I was expecting again and went on to have another son in 2017 born at 30 weeks and I couldn't bond! Since then I've really started to hate my family! All my kids do is cry and whine, they don't listen, my oldest will punch me, kick, bite and spit at me and I really hate him! I suffer with a lot of unknown health issues and spend a lot of time on very strong painkillers which leaves me bed bound and my partner likes to dig at me that he does most the work with the kids and he won't let me forget it! I feel like he doesn't understand and doesn't give a s**t, I feel so miserable all the time and I hate it!

I'm really struggling with life and as selfish as it sounds i feel like maybe they would better off without me 😢 I feel like a terrible mother/girlfriend and person and I just wanna run away and not look back! My heart is breaking because I don't wanna feel like this but I feel completely powerless to stop it! I dunno why I'm writing this I guess I just need to get it off my chest and I would appreciate your honest opinion no matter how brutal that maybe! Xx

Honest opinion. Losing twin girls sounds devastating. Please see your gp and/or arrange counselling and take everything else from there.

Idblowjonsnow I can't remember thexactly last time I laughed or giggledo but your username gave me a little giggle thank you x

Yes you need some counselling and/or therapy. This isn't going to get better on its own.
Maybe with your son, take a step back and look at it from his point of view. Does he feel that you don't like him? Has he got that impression? Does he feel loved?
Sending love though xx

You don’t need ‘brutality’ in responses, and I hope everyone here agrees.

You need a bit of therapy, some kindness and help finding the lights at the end of the tunnel. There are things to look forward to in life, you just can’t see them at the moment and that’s to be expected.

The right counsellor and GP can be a real lifeline, don’t stop looking till you find the right one for you. Not to be a ‘best friend’ but someone who you understand and who seems to understand you.

You’ve been through a lot, but there’s also lots of life left for you and your bonds with your living kids and partner can be healed. No one says you have to do it alone.

All the best.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that your family would NOT be better off without you. Agree with Idblow, arrange counselling. It won’t always feel like this, but for now focus on looking after yourself and getting through each day.

Could you think of one thing in each of your children that you like?

You have had such a rough ride and I would encourage you to seek out some counselling to deal with your grief.

1 & 3 are hard ages and I remember feeling beyond tiredness, take into account your grief its going to make things much tougher. Try to spend 30 mins per day doing something positive with both your kids, focus on doing something you both enjoy and I think with some positive fun play, your relationship with the kids will improve and your eldest sons behaviour will improve.

You are grieving , dealing with health problems , and have 2 children at very difficult ages.
You need support at this time not harsh words .
I have 2 dc 2 and 4 and although I love them, it is definitely a hard age gap to manage and they can be assholes, reducing me to tears regularly , and I don't have the grief to deal with as you have. Be kind to yourself Op.