How best to help depressed DS?

[Muttley123]

He’s early 20s and has suffered from anxiety/depression on and off since he was early teens.

At first I thought it was situational, as his sister had died when he was 5, and around 12/13 he started with Health anxiety which got better with chms support.

Then from 14 to 18, he was unhappy at school, seemed to be a combination of high pressure grammar school and socially drifted from friends.

Uni years generally quite good.

Then unemployed for 4 months after graduation
. Suffered anxiety while job hunting/doing interviews.
Got a job, hated it (telesales), was totally miserable
. Got fired for not meeting targets.

Then unemployed for 6 months, inevitable depression again. Had counselling again, no meds.

March last year, got a really good job (700 applicants for 10 jobs) in the City. All ok for few months, inevitably again he starts saying he hates it.
On sertraline march 2017 till 2018, dipped da gain, started citalopram 3 weeks ago, still miserable. Taking a lot of holidays off work. Works v long hours, doing ok but not brilliantly at work.

Anyway, that’s the potted history.

So at the moment, I feel we aren’t communicating at all well. He has his own place in London with his girlfriend so don’t expect to be as close, but lately every time I text to ask how he is he either ignores me or bites my head off. Girlfriend says he’s slightly better but has a lot of down days still. I’m meeting him for dinner next week and really want to avoid another row and just have a nice time. He says that. When I ask how he is/whether feeling better, he feels pressured which I do understan.

Gf feels that if he gets a different job he’ll get better but (and I don’t say this to either of them), that it doesn’t matter what job he does, he’s never actually happy, he has a really negative outlook.

He’s resistant to go back to counselling

So my feeling is that his depression is chemical, essentially, when he first went on sertraline he was like a different, happy person.

He thinks, and has always thought, that he hates school/unempl/working/unemployment #2, employment #2, and so it goes on.

I’m in despair that he will ever be really happy. On the surface, he has it all, a fantastic, supportive girlfriend, loving parents, good steady job, beautiful flat, friends, but inside he’s never happy.

I’ve been lucky never to have had depression, though I’ve been through a lot of tragedy myself, and I feel powerless to help.

Sorry for the epic post, can anyone who has long term depression give me insight/guidance please?

Anyone?

One last bump

You can get better from depression, I suffered for a long time until I was put on venlafaxine mr 300mg which is right for me

Now I only occasionally feel down & rarely feel suicidal- I used to think it was normal!

I have depression as part of schizo affective disorder.

I tried citalopram & sertraline which didn't work for me.

I recommend he sees his gp & gets a referral to the local cmht if he hasn't already?

Thanks tierraj, glad you’re in a better place now.

If I was your mum when you were suffering, what could I do or say that would help you?

Hi muttley I too suffer from depression and anxiety and have put my mum through hell, she had to watch me suffer a psychotic episode. Being a mum myself iv had to depend on my mum in my mental breakdown. She has to come to all my appointments with me and take me to the shops ect, as a fully grown mother myself I feel somewhat degraded, isit possible your son also feels "embarrassed" especially as men are supposed to be seen as the tougher sex. You sound like you are doing absolutely everything you can but when your suffering from depression and anxiety it can be so isolating and you often lash out to the people who you love the most. The fact your having a meal could be his own way of reaching out to you. He's obviously fighting a lot of demons in his head and this is very tiring and maybe something he feels he has to resolve on his own. Don't be to offended. You sound like a great mum, don't put yourself down.

Thanks CM Luke for sharing your experience. You also have a lovely mum, and it’s great that you accept her support and don’t push her away.

Do you think I should not ask about the depression at all, just chat about other stuff as a distraction. Or would that seem weird?

He’s depressed when he’s stressed effectively. Maybe he needs to review his life style and down shift.

He should tell you about things on his terms. Communicate lots about different things and he will be forthcoming about depression when he feels ready

I don’t have much experience but didn’t want to read and move on without trying to help.
Does he strive for anything .... you know like saving for a holiday or planning a holiday ?
Might give him a sense of purpose ?!?
Any pets for him to care for ?
Have you considered getting support for you?

Just wanted to say get support for yourself OP it is truly awful to see your child suffer so and the feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming! I confided in friends I started going back to church anything to get me out of the hell I was in! I know what it is like when they push you away and how hurtful they can be just remember he is still your son and that you love him and will support him no matter what and keep telling him that 💐 for you!!

She's all the support I have but it's taken me a long time to be open about my mental health, I think you should chat about other stuff, maybe the positives in his life, and in time he may also learn to open up. He may also be suffering side effects from the citalopram which could be making him irritable but fingers crossed it will work for him.

Thanks all, in terms of striving. He’s extremely ambitious, gets up at 5am, goes for a run, then an hour swotting for exams, then works in an investment bank 8.30am till 7 or 8pm.

He pushes himself way too far imo, he never thinks he’s good enough/wants to run before he can walk.

Labradoodle, I think you’re right, probably best to communicate on his terms as you say.

Just worried that he’s started to take annual leave very frequently to give himself a break from work, rather than asking management for help or to reduce the workload.

His lifestyle sounds like a recipe for being burnt out. The running hopefully is a huge stress buster but may not be enough to create work life balance.

The best thing as his mum is to say you're always there for him if he needs to talk,

OP I feel your pain. DS now almost 18 had anxiety/depression and suicidal thoughts 2 years ago, improved after some counselling. Symptoms recurred earlier this year but much worse and is now taking citalopram and starting a mood management course next week.
I do worry about him - he has so much going for him but seems so unhappy. Tends to isolate himself when he's really feeling down which makes him feel even worse. Currently living over 300 miles away which is hard for both of us.
It's hard not to feel useless and helpless.

Not getting enough sleep can affect mental health, so getting up early not a good idea..we need 7-8 hrs good sleep a night. (Just been reading the book 'Why We Sleep'..an eye opener!)
Not good to exercise every day, your body needs to recover, every other day much better.
Too little sleep & too much exercise alone can make you run down..and so tired & then moody.
Sounds like your son might be a perfectionist, pushing himself too hard.. believing his work/looks/money/ achievements = his 'worth'. These kind of beliefs can make for a v miserable life! I know because I've been there myself.

I'd recommend the books 'Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy' & '7 Days to Great Self Esteem' by Dr David Burns..CBT books easy written exercises that reveal & deal with negative/illogical thoughts.. they're amazing!

Thank you both very much, I'll take a look at those books now.
ChoirMum, I hope things improve very soon for your DS. x