I should be in bed but I am struggling. I have a long history with emotional health. Diagnoses include OCD, Personality disorders, eating disorders, anxiety. I was discharged from MH services recently after being involved with them for years. I am struggling tonight with flashbacks- not the visual kind but the emotional kind, I am not formally diagnosed with PTSD but been told I may have a form of complex trauma which manifests itself as BPD. I have had some difficult circumstances in life starting from an early age, and am struggling to deal with the self doubts I have. I feel some of my experiences were my fault and am very confused.
I grew up in what was mostly a loving decent family but my DF had mood swings and outbursts of rage. If things did not go his way we would get put down, screamed at, threatened with being punched, stabbed etc or that he would leave my mum. It did not happen every day but happend often enough that it was a pattern of behaviour and we were walking on eggsshells around him. I was so scared of making him angry I would take overdoses of pills just because I would rather be dead than making him angry. He never really did anything much physically beyond a push or a shove sometimes and it was very rare.
The thing is, as a child I was obviously innocent and blameless but as I grew older I was a nightmare of a pre-adolescent and adolescent. Not just usual hormone stuff but really bad things like cutting or burning myself, bullying, lashing out at people, being very angry- severe outburts of rage. My DF would complain I was getting fat and ugly and no one would want me. I know he only wanted the best for me but it hurt. Was I really emotionally/Verbally abused or am I making a fuss about a bit of strict discipline? We were not alloowed to seek counselling as kids even though both my sister and I had issues because that was a stigma, which I know was ordibary in the 1980s and early 90s. but my DF would threaten to put us in care if we ever complained about our emotional issues, I do not know whether this is normal or not? Also he would say we had brought shame on our family if we had issues, I guess this was normal for the time, though?
There were times when I thought he would stab my mum, and yeah he used weapons to threaten us. I suffer with anxietym if th ephone rings I panic it is going to be my DF in a mood to yell at me, If someone comes up behind me I startle easily, I jump out of my skin If i hear a loud noise. I become suicidal over small mistakes.
I have a lot of shame in me as I was bullied at primary school constantly and sexually assaulted by some boys in my class. I have always struggled making eye contact and with social skills due, I think, to this.
I feel like I am not heard or understood. I just want someoen to listen who understands? Have tried to access trauma counselling on NHS but told as I have diagnosis of personality disorder that I would not be eligible for PTSD therapy. Also the trauma I have had is not considered severe because I was not actually beaten up or raped by my DF, it wa sjust threats of violence and verbal put downs.
I wonder if there is anyone else on here hwo understands my struggle?