Feel like Im in a constant battle with myself

[Nelumbo]

My moods can go from feeling really low and completely unmotivated to feeling alright, fairly positive about the future and wanting to get stuff done, these can literally change within a day?

I feel like sometimes I'm going to fall into a deep depression but somehow always manage to pick myself up just in time.
I think of the consequences for my kids if I go under and its keeps me on track, but then I'm back to that place over and over and it seems never ending.

I'm a single mum and feel like I have no one around me apart from my horrible ex. School holidays are worse I think as I'm trying to do stuff with them and make it enjoyable for them but struggle with places to take them on my own all the time.
I've been on my own for over 3yrs now and have done well I think with taking them places, but its always very lonely so sometimes its hard to carry on trying to go places when its not really enjoyable for me, I'm doing it purely for them.

I have very low self esteem and always have done since a child(didn't help that my parents basically told me I was ugly), I then had my 1st child very young at age 20, was then fucked about by ex on and off for the next 13yrs.which probably knocked my confidence even more. I can never get over all the things he did and hold a lot of resentment of how he ruined my life Along with no confidence, I feel like I will never be able to be happy and so much of my life has been wasted.

I don't really have a social life or close friends, I did have a close friend when I was going through my separation but she isn't interested anymore. My ex does not see the kids consistently or has them round to his so I cannot plan anything for myself or join an evening class or anything to try and meet people. Yes I've tried putting my foot down with him but I cant get anywhere, there is always some excuse as to why he cant see them on set days or have them over his more. He is another reason why I just about keep my head above water, if I ever got really depressed to the point of not being able to function he'd be saying I told you so (told me I wouldn't be able to cope without him) he may even try and take the children.

I do work and am probably happiest there, maybe because I have work colleagues I can chat with, maybe because it keeps me busy, Again I stay afloat as I can't lose my job, I appreciate how lucky I am to have it.

I don't really know why I'm posting, just a bit of a vent I suppose. Sat here for the 4th day in a row not going anywhere or doing much so feel guilty the kids haven't been taken anywhere enjoyable, may go to the cinema this week at some point but apart from that I ain't got no other ideas, They are at the ages where they just sit in their bedrooms most of the day doing their own thing and I'm stuck on my own with only the internet for company.
I just feel like my life is not going anywhere, I exist for my children and that is all. I've tried to be positive but it doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

I was in your situation years ago, single mum, 2 children, job, ex, and all the problems that go with these. My children are now grown up and have turned out to be beautiful rounded adults. It is the hardest job in the world, but you must get through these hard times for the sake of your children. They need you. When they go to bed, have a hot bubble bath, candles and a glass of wine, but only a small one, take time for you. One thing I learnt was you dont have to entertain the children constantly. What they need and will want is a happy, mum who is there for them. Stop being so hard on yourself. I was too hard on myself and now I have the knowledge and experience to say this to you. I always made sure I got plenty of sleep, which helped my deal with all the emotions of being a single parent. Love yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for working too. Look at what you have achieved so far. Just love your children be there for them and yourself.

Thanks looney, I appreciate you taking the time to respond, its made me feel a bit better. I know I've done well considering what I have been through over the years, and I will keep trying for my children's sake and I know it will be worth it

Its strange as the past few days after posting this I was ok and feeling quite positive got lots done around the house which made me feel better, but now again today I just feel so down, and just keep wondering when will it be my turn to be happy? why cant I be one of the lucky ones to have a loving husband, a home to be proud of and at least one close friend.
Should I be worried about these frequent and drastic change in moods?
All I really want to do this year is take my kids to Disney but cant even do that as I have no one to go with and am too much of a wuss to take them on my own.
Gonna try and get out to cinema today at least.

Hi nulembo, go on holiday with your children. I went abroad for a week in a hotel in Spain was terrified but I did it. Thought I was going to be the only single mum there and guess what, I wasn't. Was never lonely and we has a great time. There are lots of single mum's and dads who take their kids on holidays on their own. You will be fine, honest. Try a weekend first, see how it goes. We went on camping holidays and it taught my kids how to enjoy the outdoors and put up a tent, great fun. You will find someone one day. Lots of us think that, am I not good enough for someone, what's wring with me. Would you rather be in an unhappy marriage where it affects the children or alone with no arguing, just peace at home. I know where I would rather be. Just because people are together or married doesn't mean they are happy. Loom at what you have got not what you hadn't. 2 great children a job and a home and your health. Keep at it honey. You are doing great.

Thanks for the support Looney, yeh I know I get down about being on my own sometimes but I know I would be a lot more unhappy if Id stayed in the relationship I was in. The kids wouldn't of been any better off I don't think either.
Well I want to take them to Disneyland Paris and it would only be for 3 nights, sometimes I feel like I'm just going to do it or I never will, but sometimes I feel defeated once I start looking into the logistics of the whole thing! Might start looking again today.

I am not a single parent but I understand what you mean. I live somewhere amazing, but with no friends it is hard. After 3 years I feel more and more emotionally isolated. It's as if ds (5) is my only mate.

I tried meeting other parents through meetup groups. That worked for a bit until the local group finished. I've tried a group sport. Also I have started going to church with a kids Sunday school. But their kindness is hard to take when I am not sure that I really believe and am only there through loneliness.

But I realise, like you, that I feel better at work, so I try to keep busy otherwise I get in awful depressive cycles. I guess I will just keep trying to shape some opportunities for social interactions until something sticks because if I don't I'll go under again.

I hope you manage to find a way to help yourself through it. Loneliness is huge problem and has serious consequences . I hope you can find a way to deal with your ex too

Thanks Rosie, I think you saying you feel better at work and have to keep busy resonates with me well. If I think about it I get really down when I haven't been anywhere or got much done around the house, but the difference it makes when I do is massive. For example I know how much better I feel when my house is organised and I've had a good tidy but sometimes its hard to keep on top of things. I also feel a lot better even if I just get the kids out for a bike ride or something simple, as I feel like I've at least achieved something that day even if it wasn't anything spectacular, but again finding the energy and motivation to do it is the hardest part and the bit I need to work on.
Feeling quite positive today, hope it lasts. I'm back at work on Monday aswell which will likely help, it does tend to be holidays and weekends that I feel the most depressed.

Also Rosie, I hope you can find that opportunity to find some good friendships, and well done for not giving up.
I would like to start an evening class but childcare prevents it at the moment, but I will keep a look out for something that fits.

I feel stuck in this cycle too. Some days I feel great and get lots of little things Done, other days I just feel sort of 'stuck' and easily overwhelmed by the small stuff so don't do anything. I am lucky to have a lovely home and dh and between us we look after the kids. But it's not as rosy as it looks from the outside and I worry I'm damaging the kids with my moods sometimes.

Focus on the small things is what I've found helps. If you're stuck on the sofa and don't even have the energy to make food - start there and have something easy to make. Think of some projects you could do to help give you a focus when the kids are busy perhaps? Mine are still at the stage where if they're around they need my attention. Dh has taken them out today and I'm feeling very demotivated.

And definitely plan that holiday to Disney! Your children are lucky to have a mum who obviously cares for them so much. Life can be tough

Thanks Misty, yeh I really want to start planning the holiday but feel overwhelmed with doing it all alone. Knowing my ex he will probably go mad if I took them without him aswell, so that would be more drama to deal with.
I'm on my own next week while kids are gonna be with their dad for 5 days(first time since last summer he has had them more than a day). So I need to have things to do once I'm back from work, all I've got planned so far is sorting some bits in the house!