Do I cut ties with my mom?

[T3z84]

I'm 33 and was brought up by my mum, and grandparents. When I was younger she worked a lot so I spent most time outside of school at my grandparents on weekends and school holidays. She had a temper when I was small but when I got older, and spent more time at home due to us moving away from grandparents, it got much worse and I'm still having to deal with this now.

If she is upset, angry or stressed then it is usually taken out on me, sometimes my step dad. It can be anything that sets her off and the rage comes from nowhere. There's a pattern where it starts with her humiliating/belittling me, telling me I'm stupid and raising her voice when I try to defend myself. I remove myself from the situation as she gets so angry. She will follow me, scream as me then slam doors or throw things then burst into tears.

This pattern of behaviour has happened so many times growing up but over the last couple of years I've realised the effect it has had on me mentally - probably by seeing my partner and his family having healthy relationships. I have tried talking to her and asked her countless times to control her temper. When I've given examples of how she's behaved in the past she denies it happened (gaslighting) which has made me question my sanity at times. More recently I thought she'd changed and we started to get along again (with the odd comment here and there which I tried to brush off) but it's happened again!

I've told her I need space for a while until I know she's calmed down as I can't be made to feel like this every time she's upset or stressed. When I have kids I cannot risk them being subject to or seeing/hearing her speak to me the way she does...therefore how much distance should I leave between us and for how long?

My grandparents have just passed away, I have no siblings or aunts/uncles, no contact with my dad so no family at all. This may be one of the reasons I've tolerated her behaviour for so long.

I can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and disloyalty but deep down I need to do what's best for my partner and me.

I would love to hear your thoughts and if you could share any similar accounts then I'd be very grateful.

Thank you xx

Hi op sorry you're going through this, sounds very unpleasant for you to deal with! I totally sympathise, having gone through similar with one of my parents. I live the other side of the country now & in minimal contact & if any abuse starts on the phone I put the phone down on them.
Sounds like your mum might have a personality disorder, which can be helped with therapy.
Refusing contact with her is totally acceptable, you need to look after yourself, try not to feel guilty.. though this is easier said than done! you sound a caring person.
She is an adult & is responsible for own behaviour.
Maybe being tough with her will finally force her to improve her behaviour/get help?
I know my parent improved their behaviour quite a bit after I cut contact for a period.

Thank you GourmetGold :)