What's your reason to live?

[trqintracks]

I don't have a partner or children, nor do I feel I want either of those things.
I have a good job and some nice friends but what's the point in carrying on?
What's your reason?

Trqntracks i could have written that!! I have PTSD and C-PTSD or developmental trauma or attachment trauma (call it what you want). I know it started from at least 6 weeks old. All the trauma treatment is about essentially connecting to something good in your past, pre-trauma. But when pre trauma isn't in memory, then what?

My symptoms have eased through some good therapy but underlying it all my brain didn't learn what others' did and I'll never be able to escape. It's unbearable. The best I can do is not cause other people suffering. First my kids and then anybody else.

I just try to keep on keeping on. I'm not going to be someone with a happy ending, but perhaps I can make someone else's day better. I'm not Mother Theresa by any stretch, I just try to smile at people and say nice things. Sounds pithy, but better than not I guess.

And maybe you staying here for your niece not to have a suicide in her childhood is actually a major thing. Maybe the effort you exert in not killing your self, in just getting through every day is actually one of the biggest gifts of her childhood, and one she'll never know about. Thankless really. And unnoticed. But it is a good thing you're doing. Maybe what you're doing is enough. It's just that nobody knows. From my own perspective, if my child's aunt was doing what you're doing, I'd be so indebted to them, because I know how hard it is.

My children, and also myself. I'm my own reason to live. Also the possibilities the future may hold.

Amy, I also have PTSD from childhood trauma - nowhere near as early as you but I have very few memories from beforehand and little understanding of what 'normal' life is.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've really appreciated communicating with others who understand/don't judge my honest thoughts.

Is there a purpose to living? Alan Watts:

It's crap isn't it. And PTSD is more known about publicly now, trauma and being traumatised are at least words people know. But, it's always viewed as something you can get over with the right therapy. I'm not sure that's the case when it stems from so early that there ARE no other memories (or even memories of feeling safe). It's an entirely different ball game.

And it's awful to have to come to terms with that. I can't admit it to myself. I'm still hoping that I'll find a way out. Hoping to know what it is to feel safe being in my own body. But that hope is starting to fade. I'm afraid of what will happen if/when it's completely gone.

I have kids and a husband, yet I still wonder what my reason for staying is. Tbh I think I harm them more being here.
Being brutally honest, I think I'm still here as punishment to myself.

Could you get a pet? Or volunteer and help others? You will have a reason and it will be personal to you, it may be big or it may be small, but it's working so far. Good luck to you.

Nick Hornby in About a Boy said that the reason to live is that there's always some little thing to keep you going -whether it's a new film, next episode of a favourite TV series, something like that.

I feel something like that - so far I've never totally lost interest in life - I've never been so depressed that I wouldn't bother to find out a sports result I was interested in. And obviously I'll always put worries aside to care for my daughter. Mindfulness has helped a lot too - if I get that "What's the point?" feeling I accept it and carry on doing whatever I had planned. Usually the feeling will just fade away.

Lovely video Vitalogy! Thanks for that :)

My furbies (pets); nice food; knitting/sewing/art (creating stuff in general); something new to wear which I like; a good book/film/TV programme/good music; summer; a nice holiday; watching the birds & stray cats eat the food I've put out for them.

Firstly, before all this...self acceptance of me as an imperfect human which then enables me to be able to feel joy from the above (after several hours of CBT self help!).