Dealing with guilt and shame

[tinydancer88]

Feel a bit sick writing this but here goes.
I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression after struggling for a few years. I have periods of obsessive worry which last between 2 weeks and a couple of months on any given topic - has been my health, losing my job, and now it's deep shame over my behaviour as a teenager.
From about 14-19 I was horrid. Verbally vicious. Was cruel to others. Selfish. Got too drunk. Had no self esteem so slept with people I shouldn't because I felt like no-one would ever be attracted to or like me. Reflecting on it as an adult I can see it was because I felt worthless, had no self confidence in order to challenge things I knew were wrong, and perceived anything and everything as an attack and so attacked back in defence. I don't mean to excuse my behaviour or condone it, but I have to understand where it came from in order to never do it again.
I just can't stop thinking about it now. I feel like a terrible, awful person. I don't deserve anything good. I can't look people in the eye or accept warmth from my friends and family. I have made a real concerted effort in my adulthood to treat others with respect, be kind, and always be humble and apologetic when I've made a mistake. I just don't know how to move forward.
I don't really know what I expect from this post. I think I just feel the need to 'own up' and perhaps I am after a kicking. If anyone has any words of wisdom for how to make up for previous bad behaviour I would love to hear it.

You were a mixed up teen, I would cut yourself some slack tbh. No reason you will repeat behaviour unless you are planning puberty again.

I was a wild one, have done a number of things to rebalance the scales, volunteer work etc.

How old are you now?

I'm in my late twenties now. I do honestly feel I am a different person than I was; not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I try to do the right thing, be understanding & kind to others etc.

It's interesting you mention about volunteering. I've been looking into that myself. I would like to contribute something positive.

I think I am very black and white in the way I view myself. I've got to do something perfectly or I've failed dismally. That probably needs work.

Perfect schmerfect, you are only human after all. You have loads of time to balance your life. Get over the perfect thing, just setting yourself up for a fall.

Can you write letters to people you feel you have hurt to apologise? Don't even need to send them - just to know that you would be willing to apologise if you saw them again.

And the most important letter will be one to your younger self.

The letters thing is a nice idea.

I have thought a lot about communicating how sorry I am, but one of the people I would want to apologise to I'm not in touch with any more and I worry about reopening old wounds. But writing the letters might be cathartic in of itself.

Thank you for the responses. I feel a bit less awful just for reading them.

Just about everyone is a bit of a shit when going through adolescence! I doubt you were any worse than the usual teenage horror.
If you are eaten up with guilt over it now, I wonder if you are a bit depressed and seeing yourself in a very negative way as a “bad person”? Excessive guilt, and seeing everything in the worst possible light, are often features of depression.
Please forgive yourself for teenage misdeeds. There is no point in fretting over it all now - look forwards rather than back, and focus on having a happy and productive life from now on.