OCD/Obsessive checking

[Bitchinabonnet]

I know that just by writing this down it seems crazy/irrational but I have nobody in real life I can discuss this with . Please don't judge me .

For a long time I have suffered from anxiety and irrational worries/thoughts .

After the birth of both my children for months I couldn't stop checking my breasts (sometimes getting up 3/4/5 times in the night to do so and interrupting trips out to go to the toilet to check myself)

In the past when , for example , I have had problems with the car (and got them sorted) I have had palpitations about driving again and avoided doing so incase we break down (to the point I bought a brabd new car two years ago to alay my worries) .
I like order , to be organised and when things deviate I really struggle . My eldest child has ASD/ADHD and it has taken a long time to get him a diagnosis and the support he needs and in the meantime it has been hard and I know my mental health has declined to the point every time my 'phone rings my heart pounds , I shake etc (at one point school were calling several times a day) .
My partner works away a lot of the time and to be honest he doesn't really 'get' it . Anything to do with the house , children , finances , pets etc is 'my' domain - he has very little interest unless something goes wrong then it's my fault . I know this won't change . He has his own demons too .

So .....our house is quite old and recently we had a new heating system installed as the old one was ancient . I was happy about this initially . During the really cold weather it stopped working . The company who installed it sent someone out and (common problem I believe) said that the lads who had done the wirk forgot to lag the pipes to and from the boiler and they had frozen . As the boiler is in the loft it is cold . Anyway , they sorted it .

But since then I can't stop checking on it . I'm obsessed with the idea it could explode/break/ leak gas etc to the point I have swapped bedrooms with my daughters (whose bedroom was below it) . I have had two different engineers out to check it who have both told me it is safe .

Reading this back I guess you don't need to be a psychiatrist to see that the real issue isn't the boiler , it's my irrational fears . And there are times when I 'get' this and feel liberated . And then the fears come back again and off I go ! It's like mental torture and I am tired of living like this .
I know I am lucky - I have lovely kids , a couple of really good friends (who live far away however due to us moving away for my partner's work , same as my parents) . But I can't discuss this with them as it just goes on and on .

Thank you if you have read this far . If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful . Just writing this down has helped I think .

Hi there
I had my first appointment with the counsellor on Wednesday . Even though it was only an introductory meeting , establishing my background etc it honestly did help just to talk and to realise I'm not alone in this .

I am seeing my GP when the kids are back ar school . I mentioned medication to the counsellor who said it was definitely something to consider . I thought that with her being quite hollistic in her approach she might be dismissive of medication but this wasn't the case at all .

I had a very frank conversation with one of my two closest friends . I trust her 100% and we have been through a lot together .

She said that although she thinks my husband is a good msn he is useless regarding anything domestic , the children , money and a big part of my problem as he takes no responsibility . She thinks I get obsessive and scared because I don't have any support from him and therefore blame myself for anything that goes wrong .
This has really given me food for thought because I think it's true .
For example , the last time I went to see her and left the children with him (two nights) he fed them takeaways as he said he didn't know how to work the cooker (we have had it for nearly two years) . I could go on but that would turn into another thread !
Lots to think about .

Hi, i've pm'd you but just wanted to add that the counselling changed my life! But in a way I really wasn't expecting. Although I have life-long issues, it ended up being all about my marriage. I had 5 months of therapy, and by the end of it, along with the tablets, I was stronger, so much so that I ended my marriage less than a year later! Now, i'm not suggesting you need to do that but just wanted to let you know that the therapy made a huge difference. Well done for taking the first step, xx

Hi Op I haven't got much to post today as I'm having a bit of a bad few days but you aren't alone. I have an unsupportive dh and he has never picked up the slack. If something goes wrong he blames me and I blame myself. over time I have become more nervous and checking. As you say there is no safety net . I have a carbon monoxide alarm - at the moment I am waking up in the night wondering if I heard it beep. In my case it's connected to some severe family illness I've had , and lack of support.

Hi there . So sorry to hear that . It is really tough isn't it ? You're not alone xxx