For depression sufferers, Morning negative chatter help

[Haribogirl]

As soon as I wake up
First thought is what can I do today, I’ve got myself into this bloody loop and hate it. It like putting pressure on myself to think of something/somewhere to do/go rather than go with the flow.
I think it started when dp retired and he’s the type who hates staying in, he says I’m in the house from tea time all night, so I want to go out.
He goes to shops in morning for paper, bread, then after lunch he’s ready to go out again for an hour or so. Nothing wrong in this at all.

My problem is I suffer from depression and anxiety and I’m not as upbeat and enthusiastic as him, and can’t sometimes “just do it”
Also it’s also left to me to think of somewhere to go, with depression I’m not always in the mood for walking round shops/when nothing to go for) can’t always sit in crowded cafe’s for a coffee(or even feel like food or coffee(anxiety)
I’m on an increase of meds at moment, as I’m so peed off of feeling like I do, I sometimes think I’ve got more than GAD and depression, as I go a couple of years and it’s back to feeling like this again.
I think sometimes nothing will make me happy. We’ve no money worries, both don’t need to work, own our house.

Before I get out of bed I know to the minute what the day going to be like, same routine.
Even done to after lunch dp say “ is it my day or what do you want/go to do” it’s a question yet it’s red rag to a bull to me. I can’t always think of where or what to do every single day, it’s feels like pressure on me to come up with something

I can’t muster up enthusiasm somedays, I try every day. I get up shower dress maybe bit make up someday(just so I feel I’m not looking so shit maybe feel better about myself)

So to all depressives out there, give me some inspiration how to get out of the cycle I’m in, it’s depressing the shit out of me and doing nothing for my anxiety.
Already now I know what coming next, and I’m feeling flat
Breakfast,shower,dressed. Etc etc it’s life people have rountine, so why is rountine getting to me like it is doing. I feel I’m going mad.

I’m probably repeating myself,waffling on now.

Boredom, no alone time, and feeling like I have to make a choice all contribute to MY anxiety, and this sounds like that to me. Though of course it may not be the same for you.

Could it be this? Could you both organise a trip away somewhere? Notice I said both so YOU aren't making all the decisions. Ask him to choose/decide. Or could it be you want alone time and don't get any?

I've not read yet, because I'm feeling happy now, but I'm joining for the early hours

Depression can often be worst in the morning and improve a bit as the day goes on. Don’t feel under any pressure or responsibility to choose the day’s outing or activities, if you don’t feel up to it.
Simply tell your dp that you haven’t the energy to make choices, and let them do it. If you feel able to accompany on their chosen excursion, go along. If you don’t, then rest and do whatever you feel up to later.
Please don’t make yourself feel guilty over it, it will just feed your depression.
Work within your limits - if you have a good day with a bit more energy, you may be able to get out for some fresh air and exercise, which is mood lifting in itself. If you’re having a bad day with low mood and energy levels, just relax with a good book or some comfort tv, and don’t beat yourself up over it.
It may take a few weeks for your increased dose of medication to be effective, so don’t despair if improvement seems slow. There are also many different meds, and these can be tried if necessary, as they may suit you better. Best wishes for your recovery.

Thanks for your replies, it helps to get feed back from other suffers
That I’m normal.

This isn’t a first time for me being depressed and anxiety, I suffered on and off from the age of 25 and I’m now 60. I’ve had numerous episodes in that time.

Boredom may be the problem, but everybody as routine so why is mine bothering me to the degree it does?
Regarding me time, I can have all the alone time I want. If I don’t feel I can push myself out, I just potter around the house find things to do or read,tv.
I’m 60 no pressure (apart from bloody depression and anxiety) an adult son .
I’ve no enthusiasm or want at the moment to go away even for couple days anxiety would be in over drive.

I think I carry a lot of guilt because I feel I’m hardly ever happy, I think I’ve always been like this. Ex husband used to say to me
“Doesn’t matter what I do, your never happy”
DP is very strong personality, even when he’s mentioned not feeling well he will still go out do things. I must say I think he as OCD tendencies, as he’s never still tends to do things at the same time
Ie. Get up, breakfast etc lunch at 12, always back home around 4pm when out by himself. Tea as to be on the go by 5pm as he likes to do the tea dishes clean kitchen by 6.30 ish so he can get showered(second of the day and second shave) then go for a walk from the block for 20 mins every night. He as only missed about 20 nights in 5 years. His routine pisses me off
God I need help don’t i, writing this down makes me think about how jealous, angry I feel about other people getting on with life.

Anxiety is that high sometimes the thought of food makes me feel nauseous, I can’t even be bothered to talk sometimes,

I’m only on day 20 of increase, at first never noticed any SE I then had a few days on run where I saw improvement and thought this is it turn around. Then the last 4 days constant negative head chatter, flat and near to tears. I try to be happy and interested when I can, it’s just so bloody hard when it doesn’t happen naturally.

I’d actually take your present state as a good sign. I used to work with severely depressed patients having ECT, and we were always delighted when they started getting ratty and irritable, complaining about things - it was the first sign of recovery from their depression!
You probably remember from your previous relapses, that motivation and energy come back before the mood lift, so you start to have enough oomph to moan, and recognise that things aren’t great, before you actually start feeling cheerful. This may be your increased med dose starting to kick in. Irritability is a big improvement on apathy!
I hope your energy levels pick up, and you begin to notice some benefit soon.

I don't want to sound rude op but your dh does sound very inflexible and like it's "his way or the highway". Do you find that you are fitting in around him all the time - does he ever try and fit in around you?

Could you ease the pressure on yourself in the mornings by "ring-fencing" the days of the week a bit, ie Tuesdays and Thursdays it's understood you do your own thing, and you are not to be badgered. Or something similar? Or maybe that is adding too much more rigidity in to the mix?

I don't know op, I'm no expert, but sometimes depression can be a sign you are leading the wrong sort of life... .

Thanks badoc. I didn't read the ops comments but I've been very angry and irritable since starting treatment (I'm also pregnant) allthough I get trippy... I feel great but when I saw my eyes in the mirror of the library last week I realised just how high the drugs made me the morning after an increase. They are really glassy with huge pupils. And I was just wandering around town, I didn't remember at the time but a few days later realised I'd just received the news that my great aunt had died. I really enjoyed my burger King, but I couldn't get home as I was waiting for my GP appointment after being sent off work so was killing time. Asked permission then Stroked an untrained staffie who got a bit too into my feet so I walked off and shoed it back to its owner and walked off. Pretty sure I've got bipolar or schizophrenia but the doctors have only diagnosed me with anxiety and depression so far. I've realised treatment is more important than diagnosis. Setraline was bad so I'm on quetalapaine now. Working well as it's also a mood stabiliser. However, this morning I was back to waking up before 4 so am eagily waiting for sunrise and news of how my grandma is doing (she was admitted to hospital on Saturday, again the morning after a medicine change). Also it's Monday so I'll be able to speak to my doctors. I'm glad I've got my husband and dog but we can't always sleep in same room, I need dark and quiet right now. I'm under the covers with my phone. Tried going back to sleep but it's easier to stay awake, I've slept enough and I can nap later. Just hate being off work, adding my own early morning chatter before I speak to a professional later. I'll stay at home this morning at least, maybe just walk my dog this afternoon so do a bit of training with him.

Yesterday afternoon was a lot better than the morning thoughts/feelings as usual.
Decided to go to b&q as we needed some netting for under the bushes to stop the squirrel digging our garden up and the cats sh....
Don’t think dp was that up for it(face and hesitation) but I never gave in
And said “ I’ll go on my own”

DP is sometimes ridged in his routine, think it’s a bit of his ocd traits
And can lead to argument sometimes, which isn’t always a good thing because it winds us both up.
He can just forget what’s been said and move on, where as I it runs through my head what’s been said. I then bring it up again and he will say forget it I’m not arguing which is sometimes frustrating as i think I get have a discussion with you now without you closing it down.

I have fit in around him in sometimes, as it’s was easier, but recently
Especially with how I’m feeling now I won’t do it.

We’ve discussed his days my days, sometimes works well other we’ve both changed it for some reason. I can sometimes think it’s rigid
Because if you decide on something he takes it as set in stone.

He is hard work to live with, with his routines But I’m also probably as bad with my illnesses. Up and down days.

I constantly look at people when I’m/we’re out thinking why they looking at me, do I look like I’m depressed. If I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I hate it. Getting older, different frame size, hair, I find it hard.
Even harder choosing clothes, as I don’t work I don’t want dresses or too smart clothes just something casual and comfy but not frumpy
Not to old but yet not to to young for me.

This morning I work feeling hot/sweaty, I’ve had this a few time recently think it may be increase in meds, trying not to focus on it too much
Usual thought came “ what can I do today” this is getting me peed off because I’ve lots of things I could do around the house ( if not too good) if the mood is ok, it’s then that I find hard as I get the question
“ what you/we doing today”. I’ve said you choose I’m stick of coming up with things. He just sits there,or occasionally may come up with something not often. So I get angry feeling then inside, which puts me in a mood because I feel it’s always me.

Anyway I’m waffling again, Sun is shining today so may get out in the garden and do a bit.

It sounds like he really needs his rigid structure to delineate his day - perhaps he is finding retirement hard to deal with. Does he get irritated with you if you don't come out or do you feel guilty yourself?

You could plan ahead a bit - write a list of house jobs that need doing, and places you might like to go and assign a few things to each day in advance (in a diary) but don't feel bad if you are not up to doing them.

Would it help to go for country and/or seaside walks rather than shopping/coffee shop trips? We go for walks - they can be short rather than shopping as it drives me crazy and I can no longer stand the lights, noise etc and get anxiety/hot and headaches later. They do seem to improve my mood and appetite even if sometimes I feel reluctant to go.

What do you like doing? For example, Give yourself permission to read a chapter of a book lying on the sofa with a hot chocolate instead of accompanying your DP - put it on your to do list and you can tick it off. Perhaps you need to get some help with setting boundaries with your DP - do you think fear of displeasing him, your relationship dynamic is contributing to your anxiety and low mood?

Tell DP he needs to come up with a list of things he would like to do over the coming month - he can research it on the internet - films, walks, National Trust properties, visits to garden centre etc whatever and you will do the same and then discuss it together and come up with a calendar of outings with the proviso you may not be up to doing all that are scheduled. Could you or DP find some clubs or classes you could attend seperately so that you get some space away from one another and a different perspective?