The gazillion people i know and share my life with in one form or another would not recognise that subject heading as coming from me. I also dont know how to truly sum up how i'm feeling as there are so many facets causing me anxiety.
I do know that i realised in the night that i am feeling very isolated and lonely. I have a lot of friends so i appreciate that might not make sense. However, neither of my two long term best friends have ever been at the same stage in life as me. One had a child long before i ever had children of my own and the other has never had children. Since i became a Mum a long time ago these friendships have taken a bit of a toll at times for varying reasons. I have a 'wider circle' of other friends but again nobody i'd call on or even call for that matter, just maybe catch up at a social event. As a working mum i never made friends at the school gates either (another angst area for me as this had a knock-on effect on my childrens relationships at school)... and the parents i like through extra curriculur activities (football mums in the main) i see once a week and like very much indeed but then they're gone and off to their own weekly lives.
So it was with much clarity in the early hours of last night after another awful evening of issues at home (my daughter is being bullied at school among other issues getting me down) that i figured i just dont have anyone i can ever talk to about these things. I do have my Husband, who is great, but i just dont have a 'mate'. I've also spent my adult life trying not to be that person who 'puts on people' as i forever used to be put ON by my former best friends, hence drifting a little once i became a parent as i couldn't handle all of their issues on top of my own now busy life.
I dont know what to do about this at all. But it's made me feel quite sad actually as like i say, there is nobody who knows me who would read this and recognise this to be me. Everyone thinks i'm the 'life and soul of the party', i'm always 'smiling' 'chatty' and definitely NOT seen as someone who might be experiencing issues.
I've had a nightmare rollercoaster of traumatic events in the last 20 years and i have been somewhat resilient and managed to stay upright. Every now and then i seem to hit an all time 'private' low. I'm very much on edge currently, drinking way too much with total certainty, struggling with some domestic issues, like the bullying of my Daughter and i'm slightly what i can only describe as manic at times, last night being one of those times. My Husband also says i am a 'walking heart attack waiting to happen'.
I dont know what steps to take next and in what order. I have to change something as i need to be my healthiest self to help my daughter navigate her own storm.
I have more than enough on the list of symptoms of anxiety and depression without ever having been diagnosed with such as i suppose that would involve a trip to my useless gp who ignored me when i thought i had PND 13 years ago after the birth of my first child. So i've learnt to always address my own issues myself and get on with it. When i feel resilient and UP again i stop looking at that list and feel i'm back in control i suppose.
i'm rambling, i'm tired but i know i have some huge issues to tackle that i could spend all day listing out but wont and just dont know what to do first.
Thanks