Mental Health in our marriage.

[NH86]

Hi, first time poster here.
I’m at a loss of where to go, what to do and who to talk to. I’m hoping I’m not alone and there is someone out there who can shed some light on such a dark time.
It starts Spring time of last year. My husband was off, snappy and moody. I felt like I was treading on egg shells.
One evening our daughter (3 years old) was playing and accidentally whacked him in the face. He went ballistic and finished his rant with “I’ve had enough.” He slept in the spare room that night.
Well I had had enough too. His mood swing style behaviour was too much and making our home life unbearable. I spoke with him the day after and explained how I was feeling. That night, he came into our bedroom saying he thought he had depression. My heart sank. I booked him an appointment with the GP straight away. He called in sick to work.
Over the next 5months he was signed off of work, (part unpaid) went to counselling and kept upto date with GP apps. There were good days and bad days. Good days; quality time as a family, quality time as a couple and I felt as though he was easier to understand and deal with knowing he had a diagnosis. Bad days; his darker days of silence, glass eyed face, my own feelings of resentment/confusion and financially we managed but went into an overdraft.
He went back to work, (forced a little by the debt that was building) but everything was looking up. Christmas was better than expected and we had sat down and discussed how we would manage, both in the future as a family and getting back on track financially.
Fast forward to the end of February, a mere few months since he had said he was feeling better, excited for the future and being back at work.
We’re now back at square one. I booked him a GP app straight away and now he’s on medication. He reached out to work and explained he could feel himself slipping, their reaction, send him home and tell him he’ll have to go unpaid again. I can’t repeat the stress and worry of last year. It was the worse few months, struggling with emotion and money. (I work a flexi part time roster which I submit annually and can not change it until January 2019. I can’t make up my annual salary with overtime as that’s against policy.)
Now. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m lost. I’m frustrated. I’m resentful.
This is my life and it’s not what I expected it to be in my early 30s.
I spent my teenage years living with a mother who had, and still does, depression and I have tried my hardest to make sure I don’t spend my adult life living like I did them.
I’m angry because there is zero support for spouses/families of people with mental health. There is zero support from his work, he’s public facing but has asked to do office work whilst he figures out what has caused this. There is zero financial assistance or understanding with companies.
I’m upset because this is not him, he’s not the same man I fell in love with. There are glimmers of him in there, but it’s hard to see.
I’m lost because I don’t know where to turn. I’m stuck in limbo with no direction.
I’m frustrated with him. Everyone of us has dark days, it’s how we pull ourselves through it. I simply choose to see the positive, and even now as I type this, I’m struggling to even do that.
I’m resentful because I feel as though I’ve been led down the garden path.
Most of all I feel guilt. Guilty because I feel like this knowing he’s been brave enough to talk about it and get help, guilty because I just want to get my stuff and leave, guilty because my daughter must sense the worry I feel constantly (I try to shield her from what’s going on), guilty because I didn’t see it.
I’m trying to hold everything together. Putting on a brave face. Trying to be the supportive wife and good mother, but inside I’m terrified.
If anyone has a direction, please share.
Thanks for reading.

Hiya
I can understand to an extent, I understand the walking on eggshells, the glass eyed face and the horrible negativity. My partner has mentioned depression but when getting him medication he only took it for a week and gave up. He’s self employed so on his dark days of not getting out of bed his business went down the drain, he owes the tax man a substantial amount and I was always pushed towards being a stay at home mum so when I met him I gave up my university (big mistake)
I have a 5yo and 2yo and worry about the impact his behaviour has on them, my 5 yo daughter has started copying his behaviour and gets very angry and frustrated at the smallest things, I’ve started to put her development over his depression because I can change how she views the world but feel I cannot change his view.
I, like you, am a positive person and thought my ways would rub off onto him but they haven’t. I’m sorry I haven’t any advice but I can tell you I totally understand your feelings of guilt and scared of what lies ahead. Your not alone!
Xx

Your post feels uncannily similar to what I'm going through with my dh NH. I can totally relate to everything you're saying, including the depressed mother. I'm not sure whether I have the stamina for this and fear it will always be a part of our life and impact on everything.
Like you say, the frustration and conflicting feelings are all consuming at times
I'm wondering how best we can support each other within it all as a pp said we aren't alone, yet it feels it to me. Very little real life support ime. to you both.

Hi ladies I am also too waking this road
My poor hubby spends days in bits & it's hard to be continually understanding.
Does make the future seem scary too. I try to hang onto hope that things can improve.
Your hubby is doing well getting help
There are charities & support groups try asking the gp or search for community groups?

I really sympathise, because helping someone with mental health issues is really hard. I do have to comment on this bit though:

"I’m frustrated with him. Everyone of us has dark days, it’s how we pull ourselves through it. I simply choose to see the positive, and even now as I type this, I’m struggling to even do that."

The dark days most people have and can pull themselves through are totally and utterly different from depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. He can no more pull himself through by will power and see the positive than he could fix a broken limb just by wishing it.

NH I sympathise hugely, it's sooooo hard on the spouse. (Of course it is on the ill partner too, I completely get how awful mental illness is.)

But in my experience it can be very very tough for the spouse and as you say, there's not a lot of support. Is your GP any good? Worth letting them know how you're feeling. There might be some support available to you via a local charity. It's really important to try and find some time to take care of yourself.

Actually I've found some of the best support on mumsnet.

OP,
I totally understand what you're going through.

The fact he's admitted he's got a problem is a good sign.
His MH is NOT going to go away, though.

It may well be with him for the rest of your life together.
It will/has changed the life you know.

Do you think you love him enough/are strong enough to cope with this ?

I speak from personal experience and its not easy.

Good luck, and know there are many of us out here with the similar issues.

Oh NH, I know what you're going through and it's horrible.

I've been here for 18 months now. My DH attempted suicide, and has depression, PTSD, severe memory loss, and is so bad he resembles someone with brain damage. He talks with a stutter, forgets things constantly, shuffles, has numbness in the body.

I can't touch him, he sleeps (when he manages to sleep) in a different room. It's a merry go round of medical appointments. To their credit the NHS is treating him very well, and he's getting lots of therapy, and they're looking at options to treat his physical impairment.

He's left me with horrid legal problems and there are moments I hate him.

I don't think we can survive this. But, I can't do anything about this now. I can't even legally sell the house so I'm stuck here. I also would feel I was abandoning him if I left him while he was this ill. He needs to be stabilised, and somewhere he can feel comfortable living.

I honestly don't think he'll ever be able to work again, certainly not in the field he used to be in.

My priority right now is supporting my DC through this and making sure they are as least effected as I can possibly ensure.

Hi OP, sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel like I could have written your post myself. I also feel totally hopeless and in despair. I am on here hoping to hear others experience and get some advice. Fingers crossed we both find it xxx

Morning,
Thank you all for sharing too.

Husband went for most recent GP app. They've doubled his medication dosage.

I see something about a chemical imbalance? After living with my mother, who has been on medication for around 15years, surely the imbalance would be balanced?
I wish that was the solution, treatment for something physical, balancing a chemical, but I don't think it is as simple as that. If there's anymore information about this please share. I'll research anything to get our life back.

I'll be honest, I'm living each day, one day at a time. It's my only way of coping. If I think about the future, my heart races, I feel sick and I worry.

I can sense myself being negative about the future, which I know my husband can sense too.
For example, I still have my daughters pram, car seat, changing bag and other baby bits in the loft. I was making a list of stuff I need to get together to sell on. My husband was listening to what I was doing and commented "You'll regret getting rid of her stuff, what if we have another baby?"
I replied "I'm happy with her, she fills up our lives."
Deep down, I'd always imagined two children. Before the depression took over, we'd always spoke about trying for another. Our daughter would make an amazing older sister and she repeatedly asks for a brother and a sister.
But now, protective mode kicks in. My daughter is here, she's my no1 priority. I need to be able to financially take care of her if her we can't, I need to keep a roof over her head and food in her belly. I spent my childhood worrying about my Mum, I had to grow up very fast and protect my sister from our reality. I won't do that to my little girl.

But it's those moments, when he says stuff like that, I get angry and resentful. I can't seem to keep my empathy.
I find it frustrating. I know he wants the life that we spoke of but that's all changed.

Someone mentioned above, our lives will never be the same. I think I've just realised, I'm mourning what I thought my life would be like to how it is now. The hard work starts here, trying to live my alternate ending.

Just to answer, I do love him, very much. I'm still in love with him too, as I know there's a difference. I think that is what keeps me here, keeps me going. I still look at him and get an overwhelming sense of happiness and love. I think that's all our memories and my hope that I'll get him back one day.

Ive read all of your replies, and I truly hope that we find strength from somewhere to keep going.

One day at a time.

Get yourself to nhs counselling via gp you need support too.
Get respite e.g. go visit family with your dd. Have someone stay with dh. Have dh go stay with family for a weekend.
Don't feel guilty about going off to get a break.

This is absolutely my life. Been together 24 years, married for 20. He can be lovely, absolutely perfect and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. Then without warning he switches exactly as you've described.

He got fired from a job that was making him so unhappy that he took so much sick leave. He refused to engage with occy health untill eventually they had no choice but to fire him. I found it this was happening the day before, despite the process happening for 2 years.

He then became self employed and was much happier but it's a seasonal job and he refuses to look for anything else to tide us over the winter.

If I say anything I'm accused of being an uncaring bitch who only cares about money.

Its been going on for too long and I'm getting too old for this. You're not alone though, I know how you feel.

Oh God, I know how you feel. My DH also suffers from anxiety and depression which comes and goes and he's just had a relapse. I have sympathy, I really do, but I also find it really really hard and am just sick of it myself. I hear you when you say walking on eggshells. I can't say anything or do anything right. He gets anxious about things that I think are incidental or minor but if I say that he says I just don't care.

I have 2 kids and they understand Daddy gets sad and needs his own space sometimes. I think they think I should be more understanding and just take all his shit but on the down days it can be relentless.

He won't even go to the GP or take any medication because he's already on a fair bit of medication for a medical issue (which only makes his depression worse). Tonight he said (not for the first time) that he's never been happy and that just breaks my heart. It's so hurtful.

Unfortunately by its nature, depression and anxiety makes the sufferer really self-absorbed and it is utter hell living with someone like that sometimes.

You are right about your DM, OP, if it's a chemical imbalance then why does the medication not cure it?

The whole medical model can be incredibly unhelpful imo.

The sufferer has to want to get better. Not to feel they can or to believe it is possible. Just to be in a state where they realise their option is to either start down to the road to recovery, blindly and without knowing what it entails, willing to do whatever it takes, or to carry on in that limbo and illness, and watch life fall apart.

Ultimately the person has to choose uncertainty over certainty. That is a hard sell for any human being, much more for one whose critical and abstract thinking faculties are severely restricted.

Unfortunately you cannot do the work for your DH. He has to do his work. He has to commit himself to recovery.

In any case you are doing an amazing job for you, DH and DD.