Just need to vent

[sneezeandclench]

I'm sat here having been awake for an hour already with such a load of crappy thoughts going through my head. I hope it will help me to get it out as it were so I hope people don't mind me just writing it all down.

First, my 18 year old daughter has been struggling so much with her mental health and I haven't realised how hard she is finding everything. She is still being seen by CAMHS but that will finish in a few more weeks and I am really worried that she won't have a safe place to talk about her problems. She was in tears tonight because her OCD wouldn't let her have a piece of cake because it had been cut off centre. She told me she makes herself sick if her cutlery doesn't match. She spends hours pacing in her bedroom or kitchen and gets very upset if certain items are out of place. Her life is bound by rules and she is very unhappy.

I feel very guilty that I have been focussed more on my youngest daughter for reasons I will explain in a minute. I don't know how to help my 18 year old, she seems so fragile.

Now my youngest, she is 15 and recently was discharged from an adolescent mental health unit. She has psychosis and autism and life has been very very hard for her for the past year or so. She was hospitalised as she was a danger to herself and others although she wasn't sectioned. She is home now but refusing to go to school. Her behaviours have ramped up a gear and I feel it is starting to escalate again. I have had lots of support for her from various mental health services but they have mostly all discharged her now apart from her psychiatrist at CAMHS and a lady from the Early Psychosis team who sees her weekly. I am exhausted from trying to keep her safe and keeping her happy. All she wants to do is eat junk food and has gained lots and lots of weight which is starting to impact on her health. She has needed so much time and attention that I have neglected my other children and I feel so guilty about that.

And finally there is me. I am diagnosed with schizo affective disorder, depression, anxiety and now I have type 2 diabetes as well. My weight has spiralled out of control as I eat when I am stressed and my life just feels like a ball of stress at the moment. I am a survivor of childhood abuse which has destroyed any scraps of self esteem I may have had. I am in literally thousands of pounds of debt which my husband doesn't know about and I wish I was dead.

I have been in floods of tears every day for months now and to put the icing on the cake, my DLA is changing over to PIP and I have had to fill in the form which came a couple of weeks ago. It has just brought up all my shortcomings into sharp focus and that is probably why I am feeling so miserable tonight.

I don't expect any replies and I thank you if you have managed to read all this.

Hi i just wanted to send u 💐💐 and 🍷 i know its not an easier said than done but try to stop stressing out so much. You are doing great and There is only so much u can do and u are in a truly overwhelming situation. There are places you can go to get help filling out forms. At least if u have this one thing sorted u may feel more in control as the worries about ur dc are out of your control. hugs

I just wanted to second what the previous poster has said. The things that you have had to deal with and are still dealing with are a testament to how strong you are and you really are still doing a brilliant job!

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 19 years old, although struggled for many years previous to that. I was offered CBT and I highly recommend it, I'm not sure if your daughter is getting that now. I suppose that I wanted to say that it can be improved upon and your daughter will get better. I was almost completely debilitated by my OCD, but that is no longer the case. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, I hope that you are seeing someone about this. If not, I would highly recommend that you speak to someone, as you can probably tell from posting on here, venting and talking about this will really help you out.

Thank you so much becki3 and grumptastic. I didn't expect any replies so it has made me cry in a good way for a change. I especially want to say thanks for giving me hope for my daughter with OCD. To watch her struggling every day makes my heart break. Her counsellor is going to recommend CBT when she transfers to adult services I think. I'm so glad to hear it has made such a difference for you.

I have a wonderful support worker who holds my hand or kicks my butt as needed so I do have some help in the real world, it's just those 3am thoughts that get me every time.