Am I just grieving or is this a sign of depression?

[BeyondHope]

I'm really struggling at the moment and want to ask for some help. Just after Christmas last year we made the heartbreaking decision to end a much much wanted pregnancy as our baby had a chromosomal condition which meant he wouldn't have survived long after birth. I delivered him just shy of 20 weeks. He was meant to be our happy ending after miscarrying 5 babies previously over the last 2 years.

These last few months I have put on a brave face in public but privately it's a different story. When I think of my little boy I can barely hold it together to the point where I am sick from crying. So then I try not to think about him and focus on other things. I can barely keep still. Everything at home has to be immaculate and every job done. I never used to be like this.

All I can think of is him and I just want the pain to end. I want to know that this will get better because at the moment I feel like I'm stuck. It's not getting any easier. I've stopped telling my husband how I'm feeling because I don't want to be constantly crying on him. I tell my friends I'm doing ok and I get on with work and home life but I just feel like I'm barely holding on.

Is this a normal process or should I be starting to feel better now? I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it because the minute I do I can't get a coherent sentence out through all the tears.

Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry for your loss, of course this is hard.

I'm sorry to ask but did you mean Xmas 2016 or 2017? If 2017 that's incredibly recent, I'm not at all surprised if you're still devastated

Are you getting any support elsewhere?

Thank you for your reply. It was Christmas 2017. So not even 3 months ago.

I don't really have any support. I had one rushed phone call from a bereavement midwife and a leaflet about the sands support service. I don't feel I can talk to my husband or friends any more as I don't want to keep being sad and upset with them. Just want the old me back but she seems so far away.

So sorry for your loss.

Could you get some private counselling? You could ask your gp for nhs counselling but tend to have to wait a long time. It would probably be good to talk to someone not in the family about this. I think it's perfectly normal to feel like, it hasn't been long at all and I think it's important to be able to grieve.

You have hardly had any time to grieve, it is still very recent. Don't worry if you are still very upset.
Sands might be a very worthwhile organisation for you to talk to. As previous posters have said considering private counselling, possibly truama focused counselling. I am also sure that your friends won't expect you to be okay already and would talk with you if you wanted that.
How is your DH doing?

You poor, poor thing, what an awful thing to go through. My friend had to make the same hard decision a few years ago and she went to counselling to help her. She says she wouldn't have coped without it, even though all she did was cry for the whole session the first few times. It's such a complex situation, she said she had so much guilt because she had to make the decision to terminate - despite knowing it was for the best and it took her a long time to come to terms with this.
Please look into support groups at your local hospital and ask your GP or maternity unit for access to help. And keep talking, I'm sure your husband is feeling the same and your friends want to support you.

Thank you for the lovely replies. My place of work offers a counselling service through Bupa so I may bite the bullet and give them a call. Just not sure how talking it through with a stranger who has no idea how I'm feeling will help me. But I won't know til I try I guess.

Sometimes it helps to talk to people who aren't close to it. I would try to find someone who specialises in loss though - it's important to feel safe with that person.

Do SANDS have an online support group? I've always found online forums to be helpful when I'm grieving (plus point there is a space to go 24 hours a day)

3 months is so so soon x be kind to yourself

OP,

Such a sad thing to read.

There is no time limit on grieving....don't tell people you are ok.

Let your grief out ,take support from people.

I wish you luck.

You are experiencing a completely normal reaction to grief and loss. You're not unwell. You are a mother without her baby and that is such a God-awful thing to experience, my heart is breaking for you as I cannot imagine that pain.
Definitely ask about your works BUPA counselling, look up SANDS as well as the people I know who have experienced babyloss have only good things to say about sands.
What was your son called (if you don’t mind sharing)? Do you have some tangible memorial for him that could help you?
💕

Have you joined the ARC forum? www.arc-uk.org/for-parents/arc-forum
It was a lifeline for me... kindred spirits who really were in the exact same boat as me, pulled me through dark, dark times.
SANDS is for stillbirths. I would advise ARC in your case because it is specifically for mums who have chosen to terminate for medical reasons (all of them because babies had chromosomal abnormalities/anomalies incompatible with life).

There, you will find no judgement, only hand-holding, support, and yes, healing. PM me anytime. I've been through this drill, twice in a row. It was soul-destroying. But I got through it- a bit threadbare- but there is the other side and a brighter day.

So sorry to read this! I am not suprised you feel like this it is still incredibly raw for you. I think you need to talk to somebody, you will obviously get upset talking about your little boy but it will help in the long run. Keeping things inside only make things worse. Big hugs

I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through but it is only a matter of weeks since your loss as well as your previous miscarriages.
A friend in a similar situation found SANDS invaluable. I know she found just having someone listen to her was a lifeline. She too didn’t want to feel like she was burdening family and friends with her grief.
I hope that you can find a way forward to seek some support. 💐

I really sorry for your losses.

SANDS is not just for stillbirths at all. My daughter died shortly after she was born and SANDS have online Facebook groups (they might be private, so you might need to contact the person who runs your local area to be added) and completely support those who have experienced stillbirths, neonatal death and TFMR. The group I am in also has several members whose babies died earlier or around your son’s gestation, so I am sure they will be equally supportive to you and your situation.

Otherwise you are more than welcome to message me to chat about your son.

It's so recent. I'm having bereavement counselling via CRUSE (different situation) and believe me it does help - it doesn't change anything about your life but it really can help at least rearrange some of what you are feeling. I recognise that feeling of not wanting to burden friends and partner - that's why talking to a stranger can be helpful. Please, please give it a try.