Advice on talking to a child about parent's mental health issues

[PinotMwah]

Wonder if anyone has been through this. My DD is 7. Her dad and I are separated and divorcing. His mental health is not good at the moment, he is struggling with depression and seeing psychiatrists. All things considered, our relationship is not terrible -- we are civil and often cordial to one another most of the time, we do things together with her sometimes etc, but there are obvious tensions which she must have picked up on.

More to the point, his behaviour is quite erratic and unpredictable and I worry about the effect it has on her. I never worry that he will hurt her or do anything really worrying but he is unpredictable and unreliable prone to cancelling arrangements which lets her (and me) down or to arriving at unscheduled times and occasionally talks about his mental health problems in front of her, which I have asked him not to do but he's ignored me.

She lives with me all the time and he doesn't have scheduled contact agreements (he won't agree to them) so he visits her largely at my house and it tends to be short visits with occasional excursions, usually dictated by when he's available. She's had very few overnight stays at his house, maybe two in the whole time we've been separated. I am the sole breadwinner, thankfully, so I don't rely on him for maintenance.

Because I am bending over backwards to let her see we have as good a relationship as possible and because he is erratic and often irrational I have probably over-indulged this and not put my foot down enough.

I think I now need to gently introduce to her the idea that sometimes if Daddy doesn't show up or isn't available when she wants him to be its because there's a problem, not because he doesn't care about her: I want her to know its not her fault. But I don't want to badmouth him or to scare her -- I also don't think she's really mature enough to understand the concept of mental illness and I don't want her to think that this is something she will inherit.

Just wondered if anyone has any advice or experience of this in how to deal with this in language which a child of this age can understand?

You could talk it through with a relevant mental health charity.
There are books you could read with her.

Mental health is just as valid to talk about as physical health from a young age. E.g. that you eat healthily and stay active so your body and mind feel good.. talking about feelings at appropriate times etc. When children understand their own feelings and thought processes they can understand when others have problems in those areas. It should be easy for her to understand that sometimes dad couldn't make it because he wasn't well enough but that he'll see her when he's feeling better. Simple explanations like sometimes people can feel very tired and sad and they need medicine and doctors to help them to feel better, are understood by young children.

I'd say stay aware of your own boundaries. Try to be clear of how much is the difficulty and inconvenience on you rather than your daughter needing to know details. If you're understanding and willing to be flexible it should make it easier if adhoc contact will be the norm. Other NRP have unpredictable work patterns for example and simple explanations are given.

Childrens awareness and perceptions are different to ours, where an adult feels the need to disect and explain a child would be unnecessarily worried and could be happily distracted with another activity. You might not need to discuss anything too detailed with her. Perhaps be prepared for her questions, and cautious of putting adult perceptions on to her which could lead to you trying to explain more than she needs to know and getting confused and worried.

Prettypaws thanks, that's an interesting perspective. I have some friends who have suggested that I need to be really explicit with her about this (i.e. tell her dad is mentally ill). I'm not so sure that's helpful. But your point about separating "her" issues from "my" issues is also very valid and very helpful to remember. It is very hard to stay calm and not be annoyed when he lets me down with childcare etc but ultimately this is my problem, not hers.

Thanks

Absolutely talk to her about it, children are fairly egocentric so view that the world revolves around them, without another explanation from you there is a danger she will think the behaviour is about her and in her control.
Charities and books are a goos starting point. Your area should have a young carers group who she may not need but it may be worth contacting as they will have access to resources and information - your gp or school nurse should know of them.
You sound very thoughtful and having her dad like this could help your DD be a very empathic and kind adult

Thanks digestive: what do you mean by young carers group?

I have mental health difficulties and have been in an out of hospital. The way we have explained it to my children is that we all have chemicals in our brain which help us feel. Sometimes those chemicals get mixed up and mummy feels extra sad and worried. Mummy takes medicine and sees doctors to make sure all the chemicals are working right. The kids seems to understand this quite well.

Sorry delayed reply but...all areas in uk have some support for those who are carers. Some of this includes support for “young carers”, even if this isn’t your child they will have people working who are used to talking about parents problems with young people and may be helpful resource for you (as well as your child). Look up your local carers support and they should help.
Also, when explaining things I always find the Dan Siegel hand model of brain really helpful as normalises we all struggle at times And her dad may need extra coping strategies to manage, there is various YouTube videos if you google so just find one that suits you both.

I have had MH problems and my sons father also. I explain to my son that I get unwell sometimes but it's a kind of unwell where you always get better from it. (He's much younger, and I really didn't want him to have any anxiety that I would die and leave him)

He's asked what does my poorly do to me, I say it makes me feel very sad or frightened sometimes when I don't really need to feel it but I take my medicine and it helps me feel the way I should again

I had a relative who had their parents illness hidden from them and spent their childhood guessing what was wrong and expecting them to die. Horrendous. So I decided to be age appropriately as honest and frank as I feel I can be.

Thanks all, that's really helpful. cockupparent and cleverquacks thanks for the first hand advice.

We have a book called scrambled heads which is very simple and a good conversation starter. Ds is 8 and autistic and struggling with his own mental health and it has helped him

I've told my dcs that sometimes dad's brain gets ill. Just like any other part of our body gets ill... That's why he's had to be in hospital and takes medicine. I've gone into more detail with my dd13, talking about this being a mental illness.

Unfortunately I am also separated as a result of the impact of ex's severe mental health problems, but so far only told the dcs that the separation is because we don't get on...

I've personally found it difficult to find a way through this, any other resources people know of would be much appreciated.