I think Tuesday may have been one of the worst days of my life. Maybe I am being dramatic. I really wanted to write about this somewhere straight away but I have been so upset.
So I was having 6 weeks of counselling having been referred over a year before for PTSD symptoms. However my counsellor referred me on to the community mental health team as still suicidal, bloodletting, and bulimic.
I very quickly had an assessment appointment with a CPN who said I should have a care coordinator and see a psychiatrist for an accurate dx.
Then I got an appointment through to see a CPN - assumed this would become the care coordinator (a reasonable assumption I think?). That appointment got cancelled because of the snow. I ended up having crisis team support over that weekend because I really needed it.
The rearranged appointment was for this Tuesday. Last week I realised that clashed with something else - I called them and asked to rearrange - gave my phone number and after a long conversation (they didn't seem to want to take it) my email. Heard nothing so rearranged my other appointment instead.
Turned up on Tuesday feeling quite positive. I really want help. But then the manager of the service came out to tell me they thought the appointment was cancelled, that the CPN I was due to see had another appointment but I could see the duty worker. Was a bit annoyed, not the best start.
This duty worker asked how I am and all kinds of really wishy washy questions. I asked her to explain what the aim of this appointment was as I had thought I would be seeing a care coordinator. She said that I don't have one and I am on a waiting list and she was just seeing me because I have 'presented here today' (not sure why but that phrase gave me rage, I hadn't 'presented there' I had come along to my appointment!). She then said this was only ever just a check to see how I was because I had seen the crisis team, only that is not the case because I saw the crisis team after the initial version of this appointment was cancelled, the original apt was scheduled before I ever saw them.
Lots of really patronising stuff from her. I asked her to explain what this service even offers. She said I would have to see a CPN (the care coordinator) for 8 weeks of 'assessment' before I can even see a psychiatrist.WTF is that about? I have had so much assessment after over a year of various services this was the last thing I wanted to hear. I thought this session would be about making plans and support.
I asked how long the wait is to get a care coordinator and she refused to tell me! She said it varies,I asked for an average, she said it would be unfair to tell me! Every time I pointed out that I had been led to believe this was an appointment with a care coordinator as I had an initial assessment she kept going on about the crisis team as if I was stupid, without hearing me when I said that I saw the crisis team AFTER the original appointment (which was cancelled from the snow) so this had not arisen from that.
I started to get really upset, knew I was on verge of tears, asked to just be told about this waiting list, she said I would have to call the manager. I said I had seen him just now and asked if he is still around, she was really huffy with me and made me sit in the waiting room and went to find him. Came back and said I would have to call. Left and as soon as I got to my car I couldn't stop crying.
I just felt like everything I had thought this was going to be had been a lie, that nobody listens to me and nobody is ever going to help me. I drove up to some woods and called back, still crying so much, the receptionist tried to find the manager but he was still busy.
I called the Crisis Team in absolute hysterics by this point, it was awful, I couldn't calm down I was just so upset and felt so alone and that the ppl who were supposed to help me had just treated me like an idiot and told me everything that I expected was a lie and I was going to get something else instead.
Crisis Team talked for a bit but I was still hysterical, called the centre back again, this time the receptionist said she would get the manager to call me as I probably sounded utterly unhinged.
He called straight back and actually apologised straight away having looked at the record of my phone call about rearranging he saw I never cancelled the initial appointment! I said about all the stuff that I thought I would be seeing a psychiatrist soon and have just been told something entirely different etc. End result is that he said he would get a psych apt for me as soon as possible and that while waiting for that he would meet with me to discuss concerns. I did calm down a bit, finally, but not that much, kept sobbing without warning for the rest of the day, and am still tearful now.
To just top it all off - I reversed into someone's car. I was really apologetic and gave my details straight away but she wanted to have a go at me which then descended into her yelling at me and me hysterically telling her to leave me alone while once again I couldn't stop fucking crying.
If anyone has read this whole thing, to be very MN - AIBU? I have been so upset ever since but I am not sure whether this is me being all out of proportion or what really. I feel so alone though :(