Anyone suffer from 'relationship anxiety'? Just need a chat.

[sunandfire]

By 'relationship anxiety' I mean a general preoccupation with your partner when in a romantic relationship, based around fears that you're not good enough, you'll be cheated on/abandoned, he'll/she'll go off you if they haven't already and so forth. Generally paying attention to minor details as indicators or confirmations of your fears, such as subtle changes in your partner's behaviour signalling that they're going off you. Experiencing frequent and intense bouts of jealousy, low self-esteem, suspicion and so forth. This is actually known as 'anxious attachment' (a psychoanalytic concept) and I suffer from it quite badly when in a romantic relationship with someone I love.

I suffer similar (or have in the past) as part of my bpd and unstable attachement issues.

I have no advice, I’m much better now but I have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 11. Tbh time has been the only thing (and a lot of understanding and patience from dh) that has helped.

Me too. Not sure whether it stems from my marriage (good to begin with, then slow death from his depression/alcoholism), the guy I was briefly involved with afterwards (lucky escape there, he turned out to be a compulsive liar/convicted fraudster), or earlier things, eg childhood issues etc.

Can I ask how you manage it? I've just started seeing a lovely (I think!) guy and thought I was more relaxed this time round, but the anxieties seem to be rearing their ugly heads for no apparent reason :-(

@KittyandTeal really glad that things improved for you over time. At one point, I thought I fit the criteria for BPD because of this! It's a really distressing thing to suffer from as it's based on these fixed core beliefs that you have about yourself (namely that you're not worthy/good enough). I experience this with every romantic relationship I'm in, and it usually pushes the person away - confirming the very fears/beliefs I had!

I seem to crave ongoing attention, admiration, adoration and affection which is what people seem to offer by default at the start of a relationship. When that starts to slowly fade over time, it terrifies me and taps into some kind of underlying abandonment complex that I have. Suddenly I develop beliefs such as that they've gone off me, I didn't live up to their expectations, I'm unattractive/not sexy enough, they're attracted to another person (I really can't come to terms with the idea of my partner being physically/sexually attracted to another person, for some reason - I find it especially hard to deal with jealousy), they're likely to cheat on me, they no longer find me interesting/intriguing, they're falling out of love with me and so forth. I then start to act up in a bid reassurance. Most of the time I don't get the reassurance I feel I need, however, because my 'acting ups' pushes the person away and makes them become aloof. This aloofness only frightens me more by confirming my beliefs/fears - it's a vicious cycle.

@KittyandTeal in a bid for reassurance*

@TarquinsMama how I manage it? Oh, I don't! I just kind of 'live with' it, which is extremely emotionally taxing!

I think it's probably a combination of all of them - childhood experiences AND past relationship experiences (that's how I've made sense of it in my case, anyway). If you do a bit of research into 'attachment theory' and 'insecure: anxious attachment' (sometimes known as 'insecure: preoccupied attachment'), what you've been feeling/experiencing will make a lot of sense to you.

I thought that this time round things would be easier and I'd be more relaxed, too (like you said, lovely guy, and he seemed to meet my emotional needs at the beginning - attentive, patient, understanding, affectionate etc). However, I think relationships take this natural course where the person's level of preoccupation with you, attentiveness, affection (all the things that reassure us and make us feel loved/valued) start to decrease because they've gotten used to us and don't feel they need to make as much as an effort as they once did, when they were still trying to 'win you over' (as well as them generally not being as excited by us as they once were, when things were more 'new'). For people with anxious attachment/relationship anxiety, this is when the anxiety starts to kick in! It may even kick in before this point, in ANTICIPATION that this will soon happen.

@TarquinsMama sorry, I didn't mean to switch from saying 'you' to 'us' - I should've just picked one and stuck with it lol!

I definitely do this. You're right about it being a vicious circle. Argh!!

I think I'm doubly bad in that I push people away to make them prove they want me. I was the worst at this in my last relationship- and that was the closest and most loving relationship I ve ever had

Me too

Ooh I didn't know this had a name. I think I have this

@ScabbyHorse I did that, too. In fact, I'm doing that right now with my partner. It's in a bid for him to come running to me with all the reassurance in the world. In an ideal world, I'd want him to present me with a list of about a thousand reasons why he loves me and a separate in-depth list debunking each and ever one of my fears/suspicions (not a genuine expectation) - I understand that that's a really unhealthy way to feel.

This is me down to a tee but I never know it was actually a thing if that makes sense?!

How do people manage?! I'm convinced that my partner will get sick of me when he realises what I'm really like or that he will cheat. The insecurity is suffocating (for both of us probably).

Has anyone had counselling for this?

I am like this too. I have complex ptsd, depression and anxiety, all not as bad as they were after therapy but I have been horribly paranoid throughout my entire 7 year relationship that my partner would abandon me because I have been abandoned by my father.
I also need reassurance from my dp that he loves me and won't go. And if I feel we are on the rocks from an argument I get horribly anxious.

I’ve had this and had CBT. It was really lifechaging. Would recommend you all to seek help.

Lots of exercises about breaking that cycle

justmytype.ca/date-someone-anxious-attachment-style/

Thanks for the link mama, I've just sent it to my oh ... I think we're both like this, just to complicate matters! I know I'm a pain to live with

Your welcome asmadasmax.
I may send to my dp too. I'm very blessed that he has always been very supportive and gets me but it's tricky when u r terrified they r going to leave