Feel really disheartened, making me think about the future

[MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup]

Ever since this morning, I have seriously been thinking about life and the future and just about almost giving up on it really. I have worked all my life (I am 25, been working since I was 17), I have studied at college, did NVQs, I have done other certificates here and there. I am in a dead end but very demanding job as a cleaner but it pays the bills so I cannot complain. I went to university, I had a baby midway who is almost 2, I got married and returned to complete my degree but in all honesty, my heart is not in it anymore.

I have tried my damn hardest to try and stick it out, but I just haven't got the self determination or the drive. I know that I am not going to get another job any better than what I have got because I know I am not intelligent enough. Uni was easy to get into because it's a low ranking one. My husband has always expressed his disappointment in me when he sees that I haven't done any uni work or I haven't been to uni because he is Asian, they obviously have extremely high standards where education is concerned.

I don't know why I did a degree. I just believed that it would lead me somewhere but I know it won't. I am not the right person to be in a highly skilled job role. I take ages to process information, I cannot use any logic or reasoning, I just find it difficult to take anything in when I read an article or something! I cannot critically analyse, I find it with great difficulty. I am sh!t at maths you couldn't even trust me to work on a till in case I count the wrong money! I did it in a shop I added everything wrong and the customer had to do the working out for me.. How embarrassing is that? I was mortified.

I am scared about what my husband is going to say. I know he is going to be really disappointed in me! He says the reason I am doing this is so that we can move away (which is what I want), and so that I can get a better paid job to get a mortgage.. ha! I wish! But we aren't all destined to have that are we?! I just feel so low. I am going to see my GP and request a sick note to delay my assignments and give me more time to think, but I am 99% sure I have made up my mind.. I have to come to terms with it I never set myself to fail but I don't want to leave with a 2:2 or a third class.

Oh honey. There is nothing wrong with a 2:2 or a 3rd. But there is also nothing wrong with feeling it's not for you. It must have been really tough to go back after a baby. I'm sorry to hear your husband is not more supportive. Does he know how you actually feel?
So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Can you just for a moment think about what gives you joy? I'm also having a hard time with anxiety just now, and gritting my teeth to get through to June when I can leave my job - it's well paid and local but I do feel it's too much for me right now. I'm beating myself up daily for various reasons but playing with my dd and being silly so she laughs is a much needed relief.

@WLmum thank you for your much needed reply! I honestly appreciate it. I haven't spoken to him because I know he will be disappointed so I don't see the point.. I feel like a child sometimes, who is scared to let their parents down! It sounds ridiculous doesn't it?! I hope you are feeling better soon! It's so hard to deal with :( I agree, laughter is the best medicine especially when it comes from our babies x