HI,
Let me start by saying I am 45 year old mum of 2, educated and in a professional job. I have been married to DH for 20 years.
I used to work part time and moved jobs 8 years ago to another part time post but hated working there. I returned back to my old job (where I had lots of friends) but they'd only have me back full time and awful shifts. I have struggled with the shifts and nightshifts tbh and my health is being affected.
Hear me out...
I am stuck in a sexless marriage. My husband was always boring in the bedroom (even no kissing). I gave up with him and started turning him away many years ago. We have not had sex in years and I no longer see him that way. Our kids are 14 and 10. He is a good man though, otherwise, but 11 years older than me. He earns less than me and I feel under pressure to work crazy hours. We live like friends only.
I have not been coping with the amount of housework and work recently. My periods stopped last summer and the GP has found no cause other than my working pattern. Work will not let me drop hours as they are already short staffed. Manager is awful. Makes me come back from nights early when I am tired and I feel like I am getting zero quality time off. I'm not.
This is the crazy bit...
I started feeling very horny just before Christmas and in need of attention! Although I still didn't fancy DH I wanted something. I joined a chat website (for a bit of a laugh at first) and got involved with a man on there from just before Christmas to the end of January...chats/phones sex the lot. I loved it! Shocking, I know! We got on well and I was becoming addicted to him as he was providing what DH could not. It ended and I did it again a few days later with another man! Again, a man from the same area (I love the accent) and, again, hours and hours of chatting and then sex chat. Also, lots of messaging everyday. He was married but felt in a rut at home as he did not get on with his wife anymore (they had no kids). Anyway, weeks later we amicably agreed to end it as he felt guilty towards his wife and said he needed to learn to control himself. We have lost all contact and I miss him terribly. Crazy I know! I became addicted to him.
What is the underlying reason as to why I am doing this after 20 years of marriage? I had been messed about at work last year. Overlooked for promotion (I was the only one qualified to do it) meaning I was stuck with the rubbish hours. A close colleague had to leave over something to do with the application (she was on my side and had stuck up for me). She lost her career of over 30 years and I felt terrible. Manager basically ousted her and she was forced to resign.
I am really trying hard to keep off this chat site. I need to sort myself out. I am bored with DH. I just don't know what to do. I have no other help with the kids (all grandparents are RIP). Is it my marriage? Is it my job? Both? I have looked for another job but can't find one with the same salary and we need that money.
Man no.2 said I needed to get a hobby (like I have time). He realised I was a nice person and unhappy in life. He backed off to do me a favour really as he said he wasn't helping me. I appreciate that.
But, what is wrong with me? I am on sick for a month (never been on sick for more than 2 days in a 20+ year career). I went to see the GP but just said I was feeling overwhelmed at work due to shifts. I couldn't tell her about what I'd done! I feel l can't talk to anyone about this in real life but I am becoming increasingly distressed.
What do I do?