Happiness

[Smokenbubbles]

I’m 17 and I have a 5 month old and I don’t feel happy. I love her and she fills me with joy when I’m playing with her. But I’m exhausted all the time and I find it hard to get up in the morning. I’ve just moved to a new city with my mum who I live with and I have no friends and I’ve been to baby groups but I don’t connect with anyone. I don’t mean they’re not nice but I just don’t connect on any level deeper than small talk. I just feel like I’m on such a different page in my life and my beliefs. I have one friend and I only see her every couple of months. I’ve moved around my whole life and I just feel like I want to run away again but I can’t because I have a baby and I need to go to college and make a career... I feel like life’s relentless and empty and I’m going to college in September but I feel miserable at the prospect of being in class below a levels because I was never in school long enough for GCSE’s so I’ll be two years behind people my age and I’ll never make any friends because I’m already on such a different page to other people my age. I’m not depressed i just feel empty and like I haven’t felt happy in a really long time. I feel like it’s really hard to say this as a mum especially a teen mum because I’m supposed to be over the moon and happy all the time but apart from the joy of my baby I never feel happy. I feel like I’m just living. I’m just desperate to have some relationships with people that are deeper than small talk and awkward conversations. I’m lonely and empty. And I know teen mums aren’t supposed to admit it but I do feel sad about the life I had and the freedom I had going out and hopping around and I wanted to go travelling, work a bit and enjoy life and now I can’t. I know I’m just being really negative and I will feel happy again but I can’t imagine it. Sorry this was worded pretty badly. Any words of wisdom or anyone relate?

What I mean about the teen mum thing is that from what I've seen it's like we're always having to prove that we are good mums and we haven't ruined our lives (not that that's how I feel at all- I know I'm just on a different life path)..but I don't feel like I have anything to prove and I wanted somewhere to explain how I feel and hopefully get some words of wisdom.

Hi Smoke, I was a teen mum too and totally get what you mean about having to prove that you're a good mum more than perhaps older mums do. Mum and baby groups can be really hard too. Is your mum supportive? Would she perhaps babysit for you once in a while so you can go and join an exercise class or something, and try to meet people that way? I don't want to sound patronising, but you sound like you've got your head screwed on, and it's great that you're thinking about your career and college. I can only speak for myself, but I found that having a little one to provide for really pushed me towards earning well and "bettering" myself, probably making me much more focused than I would have been without a baby at that age. Remember, just because you're a young mum, it doesn't mean you have to miss out on travelling etc, you just may be doing them at a different time to others. I sometimes make myself feel better with the thought that when I go travelling in my late 30s when my son is off at uni, I'll be able to do it with money in my pocket, staying at much nicer hotels etc than if it had been done on a gap year budget. It's really important to make some time for yourself if you can though. Sorry for rambling!

Thanks for replying My mum is supportive but she wouldn't babysit. I breastfeed too so I couldn't be gone for long anyway. I do go to the gym but I never talk to anyone there as I just use the machines and go (my gym has a crèche). I will definitely look into doing some classes. I know what you mean about travelling and having more experience and money etc...and I agree and I also look forward to travelling with my babe in the future but it's just hard having to come around to your life go in a totally unexpected direction! You have made me feel a bit better. Have a good night

Stop worrying about people judging you for being a teen mum, regardless of your age there will always be someone who will judge you for something. That’s their problem not yours.
Exercise is really good for maintaining good mental health and wellbeing and maybe a good way to find some new friends.
I know you say you’re not depressed, but the way you describe yourself feeling empty, not happy etc says otherwise. There’s no shame in admitting you are depressed. I have always thought it was a weakness to be depressed but I recently did a course of therapy due to some other family related stresses and have finally admitted that I am depressed and have anxiety. I feel so much better for it.

Maybe speak to your GP or health visitor if you feel like you need more support. Chin up sweets.

Happiness: the absense of pain.

Thanks for replying. I'm not worrying about being judged for that I just wanted to explain on here what I meant and it came up a lot because I think it does play a big part for me in why I feel isolated and unhappy. I know there's no shame in admitting mental health issues but I genuinely don't think I'm depressed because I've felt depressed before and it was different- like I felt miserable every day and didn't see the point of living and felt sad right to my soul...but that's not how I feel now I just feel unhappy, it's not like a proper feeling it's just never feeling happy or anything really. Just emptiness. I never cry or feel anything very deeply for longer that 5 seconds. Is that depression too? It seems so different so I just assumed it wasn't. I do have social anxiety which is another horrible thing in the way of making friends because I feel fearful of going outside but I'm trying to push myself to get over it. I sound so self centred and I am being self centred and I know I just need to snap out of it. Thanks again I might speak to a go but I'm not too keen on it to be honest I've had mental health help before and if anything I'm worse now.

gp**

Hi OP I think it sounds like you're doing a pretty amazing job actually. I think it's hard being on the younger or older side as a mum.
I think you are finding it hard as your baby is still at such a demanding age. Whan you get to twelve months you'll see a big difference, and again getting up to age two and over with start of nursery etc. I think when you get more of your own time and life back you will feel more fulfilled- at the moment you are pretty much devoting yourself to caring for your baby and it's very full on. I think when you get some space and time to study in September you will feel quite different. Having a small baby is lovely but can be very lonely. Do you have an interest , anything arty or yoga ? That's a good way to meet like minded friends. The problem with toddler groups is they can be quite cliquey and also a bit boring.

The therapy I did was cognitive behavioural therapy which I thought was all a bit pointless and self absorbed before I did it. I have had a hard time recently due to my parents being ill and also my DH. On top of that I have a toddler and baby who doesn’t sleep. When I filled in the pre course forms I said I wasn’t depressed and didn’t get anxiety but then when they actually asked me questions I found myself describing feeling numb and worrying about going out unless I knew exactly who would be there and all the details of the event and lots of other things. They said that because I was spending so much time being strong for everyone else I had switched off my emotions and was working on adrenaline and auto pilot to get through the day. Like you I don’t cry as it felt like self pity even though it would have been an appropriate response. They said that denying or not recognising my feelings was a sign of depression.

Sometimes I think I probably feel empty just because I'm too tired to feel anything else but then I see other mums and people in general who seem genuinely happy (or genuinely sad) and I think maybe something's not right.

Thankyou both for replying I'll think about everything more tomorrow. I'm going to try and sleep now hope everyone else gets some sleep too

Like the other posters have said you seem to have your head screwed on and have really good plans for the future. Young babies are all consuming and exhausting but it does get better.

Ps I'm quite old but draw my experience from my son and gf having a baby fairly young and they lived with us.

This phase of baby's life is about survival. Everyone fed and no one dead DS is 13 months now and I look back on the first year of his life and wonder how on earth I stayed so strong for so long. It is a lonely thing being a mum at times. I found MN really useful to make me feel less alone. The baby groups I found the same, I'm more of a deep conversation type person too but I've learned to enjoy the superficial chats with acquaintances as they do serve a purpose. People are generally too bloody exhausted to have a deep and meaningful, took me a while to work that one out! Eventually I have met a mum who does "get" me, only known her 6 months and her life is quite chaotic but I'm hoping she stays in my life for a while longer.

You're doing a great job, don't be so hard on yourself. Keep posting.

Everyone fed and no one dead
I love that! Think that’s my new mantra!

Thank you everyone you've all made me feel a bit better telling me it gets better and other people feel like this too.

Hi Op I was a teen mum too.

Just to say I went back to uni at 34 to do my second degree. My 'best friends' were 19, 22 & 23. And they weren't mum's, still lived at home etc. Age doesnt have to be a barrier. So don't let it be! Good Luck.