Sick of fighting depression

[Summerfalls]

How do you cope with it? I have suffered with episodes of depression since my early teenage years although at the time I wasn’t aware it was ‘depression’ it wasn’t until my late teenage years and early twenties that it become more severe,

I definately have a seasonal pattern and will always most years Barr the odd couple sink into a deep depression between November-February and won’t come out of it until April/may. Between then I still have little slips into depression but shorter episodes that are much easier to deal with.

Right now I’m tired of waking up realising I still feel the same as I have done for the past 4 months, wishing the day away until bedtime, having no energy, no motivation to do anything at all except see to the bare minimal of my 4 year olds basic needs. Don’t want to leave house. Don’t want to socialise. Don’t want to wash or take care of myself, and just feel pretty shitty.

I know it’s a temporary situation and I will recover and feel better but it’s so hard when you spend at least half of every year severely depressed and each time you wake up one day out of it, it’s great, you feel great but in back of your mind you know full well that you will crash again at some point and so the cycle continues.

I don’t have any situational issues going on or traumas from past that cause this, it’s simply my brain chemistry.

I do know other people have much more severe mental illness they have to live with and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling this way.

Hi,
Your post really moved me. I feel much the same. Depression since my teens. Now in my fifties and SO F**king tired of fighting it. Seems all my energy goes into not going under. I'm shattered all day long, have no motivation for anything other than DC, just want to spend all day under the duvet but equally, HATE spending all day under the duvet. Dream of what I'd be doing if I weren't so flat and shattered and down all the time.

I just have a few things that I force myself to do - if not every day, then every other day: a bath or shower and hair wash. Get dressed. Go for a walk. Put a wash load on. Make sure DC are well fed, have clean clothes, a reasonably (low standards) tidy house to live in and that I'm there for them if they ever need to talk or need a favour or someone to fill out a form, help them with homework etc.
Don't feel selfish - you're not choosing to feel this way. Selfish is when you pursue your own pleasure without a thought for others. Don;t feel guilty either - I mean, what's the point? Guilt is energy draining and we have little enough energy as it is. I do bloody wish I was normal though. It gets so hard sometimes.

Hi feed, sorry you feel the same way too but thanks for sharing your story aswell.
The part of dreaming what you would be doing if you wasn’t so flat and shattered is exactly how I spend most my days thinking and feeling.
I just want the switch to flick on where I’m back to being energetic, happy, more sociable and where everything is a breeze and my home is absolutely spotless.

I try force myself to do the things you mention but some days I just have no energy for it at all. The little motivation I can push is to make sure my son is fed, washed and has clean ironed outfit each day and makes it to Nursery. Where as me myself I just bung whatever I can find nearest to me on, my coat, a hat over my unclean unbrushed hair and can’t wait to get back home again. Usually my normal self cares about my appearance and makes effort with it but for last 4/5 months its been the opposite.
If I could stay under my duvet all day every day and not move an inch I absolutely would but then I would be totally neglecting my son. Depression makes you feel like worlds shittest parent too.

I’m nearly 30 now, but I gathered a very long time ago that this is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, be medicated for life and I totally accept that but as you said yourself it gets so hard sometimes and like you I just wish I was “normal” too whatever that is...

Feel the same

Wishing you recovery too nosleep.. it’s shit

I just want the switch to flick on where I’m back to being energetic, happy, more sociable and where everything is a breeze and my home is absolutely spotless.

I'm actually crying reading that, because this is exactly how I feel. I'm just not fun anymore, and I was-I really was. I too suffer far more during the winter months and last year tried 6 minutes on a sun shower each week simply for the UV exposure. It really helped, but this year I can't even get the motivation to get out and do that!
My relationships with people are beyond shoddy as I just don't make the effort, because 'what's the point?'
My mask goes on for the kids, but I feel like they are starting to sense my perpetual internal glumness.
I'd love to be inspirational for you - but I can't, I just wanted you to l is you aren't alone

@FeralBeryl - I sympathise completely. On the bright side, though, you have a bloody brilliant username!

Sympathy to all who are feeling this way, I am the same and pushing through depression every day is exhausting

Feral.... are you my twin? I could have written that myself had I had the right words

I have been looking for a post regarding depression, I have been fighting for a year now, I don’t seem to get any joy out of anything even the kids, I have 3 kids and expecting baby in June, I am not excited nor am I in a rush to meet the baby, I passed my driving test today but felt no joy at all even though I worked so hard to achieve this for a very long time years. When I came home my husband even said that I looked like I failed as I wasn’t happy at all. My face is like a slapped ass most of the time, and am just not happy anymore. I can’t think of anything that would make me happy. It’s like nothing matters anymore and am just so scared and frightened that one baby is here it will only get worse. I have started to accept that this is probably how the rest of my life will be, I feel ugly and have put on weight since I had my first child. I have no energy or even feel like I need to look good or dress up, if I was to brush my hair for the day that would be a effort for me. I cry everyday and don’t tell anyone how I am feeling as they just think I am ungrateful. I am exhausted and just want to be happy again, I don’t know if that will ever happen

What treatments have you tried so far? All of you sound like you could benefit from antidepressant medication. There are many different types, and usually it's possible to find one that will be effective.
For severe or intractable depression, ECT has an 80% success rate. I've had patients so severely depressed thay couldn't eat, drink or get out of bed, and the improvement after a course of ECT is life changing.
Please will you all make an appointment with your GP's, and get some help with this? You are struggling alone with a debilitating and horrible illness, when there is so much support available for you.
Antidepressants take a few weeks to work, so don't give up if you don't see instant improvement, by the way.
Big hugs all round, please believe you deserve help, and I hope you find the energy to get to your GP.

Mum2410 you sound like you are very depressed, I sympathise with you completely, have you spoken to gp about it at all? They can also refer you to perinatal team in your pregnancy. Please don’t suffer this alone

Ban doc, I myself have tried various medications over the years some work but seem to stop working after a while which I guess can be common. I was on mirtazapine highest does for a long time, but in Jan consultant psych changed it to venlafaxine as the mirtz was clearly no longer working, I only got 6/7weeks into the venlafaxine when psych said to change it as it was completely surpressing appetite and I’m underweight as it is so it was very concerning side effect for me and gp reccomended the psych changed as she didn’t see that increasing the dose would help with that side effect. As I had only been on 75mg of that, I hadn’t improved depression wise, currently in middle of weaning this one and start fluoxetine next week.. hoping that one works. Severe depression is tough to live with I feel like past 5 months have been a wasted blurr and although I know I will ‘recover’ for a period I always know that it’s around the corner again somewhere. It’s a constant battle of relapse and recovery. It’s mentally and physically draining and my worst fear is that it will have an affect on my son as he grows no matter how much I try to shield him from it I know it’s going to affect him some how, children are like sponges. Or that he will suffer same mental health issues as I have when his older through genetics, that frightens life out of me and fills me with guilt.

Same here except my kids are all grow and have their own homes and families. I honestly don't know how you all cope with children as well as depression.
Babdoc I'm sure you mean to be helpful but you do make depression sound like it's something that can be cured and it's not. I have been depressed (severely) off and on for 8 years and 2 inpatient stays which were horrendous with the staff largely ignoring the patients. I must have gone through a large proportion of pharmaceutical remedies, with doses reduced and increased, all to no real effect. I think it's a bit irresponsible to just say ECT is 80% successful but people need to be aware of the serious side effects in some cases, especially the loss of short term memory (permanently in 1 in 10 cases) How do you know people haven't been to their GP - some have I'm sure, and many GPs are not empathetic and just dole out a prescription. Mine is excellent but I am in secondary care and the psychiatrists change like the weather. I am currently battling with one of the most unkind and insensitive medics it has been my misfortune to meet. Some days it takes every ounce of will power to move from the bedroom to the bathroom and she told me to join a pilate class!!! Does she have the vaguest notion of the debilitating effect of depression, have it sucks the like out of you, leaves you with no motivation or energy and feeling helpless and hopeless - NO. Obviously it's only people who have suffered this awful illness will understand and then I'm sure we all experience it differently although just reading this column shows there are lots of similarities.

Catrina I totally agree with most of your post. Some people may just suffer from one episode of depression that once treated will not return. But some of us have to battle with it for rest of our lives. I also had 2 inpatient stays in my early 20’s and had the same experience as you and was told by a member of staff in one that ‘this isn’t a place for some one like you.” I gathered they meant because a majority of patients I had seen in there were not severely depressed but had other mental health conditions but still makes you feel shit. I had to cry and beg for a sleeping pill at night. Other then that no one checks on you in your room etc. Not that I was cared I didn’t want to live let alone move from the bed or speak to any staff. I hope I never have to return back in one again because in no way was it ever helpful either.
I have also experienced the medics advise of “do exercise” “join gym” “go for walks” “eat better” and quite frankly want to punch those who say this in the face at that current moment because if I wasn’t struggling to leave my bed let alone the house to do these things then I wouldn’t be asking them for help i would be getting on with what I can. There is quite a big gap between mild depression, and severe depression. Both crap to live with none the less.
And people who have never experienced debilitating severe depression just can’t seem to comprehend that you cannot just get on with it nor pull yourself together if it was that easy then we would bloody well do it! No one wants to be depressed and no one enjoys any part of it.

Every word you write is true Summerfalls - I had a psychiatrist tell me I'd soon be better as summer was on the way (the season not you!) I was told on the psych ward to "pull myself together" though when I complained to the ward manager she did take it up with the nursing asst. Another stupid nurse told me to "cheer up" - god I could have smashed her face in. I am currently struggling with a real bitch of a psychiatrist and she messed my meds up and I had none for 8 weeks which has caused immense suffering (one good day since Christmas) I'm desperately worried I will miss my grand-daughters play and 18th birthday party. I have a meeting with psych and my lovely CPN on Tuesday and my husband who will soon tell her what's what. It shouldn't be necessary. Think I said she told me to join a pilates class!!
Sending good wishes