Biting myself when overwhelmed

[Penguin13]

Currently on maternity leave with my 11mo and 3 yo (who is in nursery 3 full days). Despite DD2 being a generally easier baby I have found having 2 very stressful at times, particularly when DD1 dropped her last nap and I lost my vital 30 mins-1 hour chance to regroup.

Recently my mum was coming to visit for a few days. She is incredibly house proud and I had really let the housework slip since having my second, not that I was ever that organised. I spent a month trying to bring the house up to scratch in every possible spare moment I was cleaning, decluttering and sorting, which I was planning to do anyway but particularly in anticipation of her visit. As the date neared I could see that it wasn't going to be possible to get the house anywhere near what she would consider acceptable. I found myself filled with panic and anxiety and this seemed to trigger feelings of intense anger. I found myself biting my arm hard enough to leave deep marks for several minutes when my feelings overwhelmed me.

My mum's visit is now over and I am still feeling very angry at certain times, such as when DD2 is struggling to go to sleep at nap time and have been biting myself again.

I am not really sure what to do. I know I need to find a better way of dealing with these strong feelings, not least because I need to be able to teach my daughters how to deal with strong emotions in a healthy way. I confided in my husband but I don't think he really knew what to do with the information so hasn't mentioned it since.

Have any of you experienced something like this? How did you deal with it if so?

Sertraline. I resisted for ages (been on and off anti-ds for years) but it is the best thing I could have done. Was getting so angry, hitting and kicking walls. I still have depression and anxiety but not so bad. Also had a short course of therapy which really helped.

Definitely discuss with your GP who may prescribe ADs which will help. A therapist will help you talk through how else to cope when you are feeling overwhelmed.

I only have one DC & I'm terrible at house keeping. I have very recently done a chore list spacing everything out over a week otherwise I just can't keep on top of it. Even without the house, just having DS can leave me feeling overwhelmed so you're not alone

Thank you for replying Dizzy. Did you go to see your GP? It sounds like you would already have been 'in the system' for want of a better description, from your history of depression. I am glad that Sertraline and therapy have had a positive effect on helping you to manage your conditions.

Thanks for taking the time to comment Happy. I think as an introvert I am finding it particularly tough to have no break at all on the days I have them both. The days with just DD2 are easier as she does generally nap OK, but mainly I am scrabbling to catch up from all the other days. Probably doesn't help that DD2 has slept through about four times ever so sleep deprivation is adding to this wonderful cocktail.

I feel a bit pathetic for not being better able to cope, I have a loving partner and no money worries and really have it pretty easy. When I tried to talk to my mum when she was here about how I was trying to get organised her response was to tell me how she thought she was quite well organised as a mum and made all our clothes while also keeping a spotless house with three under three. No tips as to how to achieve that of course just the implication hanging in the air that I was a failure for not being able to achieve the same.

@Penguin13 Please do not compare yourself to your mum. You're putting your mum on a pedestal as the "perfect mum & housewife" which is impossible. By comparing yourself against an impossible ideal you are setting yourself up to fail (I'm talking from experience). A perfect mum wouldn't judge you over the cleanliness of your house which just shows she's not all that perfect after all.

It sounds like DD2 is pretty young? IMO the housework can take a back seat. Look after DD2, ENJOY her and rest when she's napping. As far as I'm concerned my house won't be spotless until all DC (&a my DH!) have moved out! If your mum will judge you based on the cleanliness of your house just ignore her.

Thanks happy. I have probably made my mum sound horrible and she isn't at all, she is lovely, I just can't help knowing what she must have been thinking about the state of my house.

DD2 isn't as young as all that, she is 11 months she is just a rubbish sleeper! Still young enough that I should be focusing on enjoying her I know. I guess I just feel like i should be able to do that and keep the house running smoothly as well.

DH has been out today as he had to go on a work trip but am planning to try to talk to him about it again tonight.

Do not underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation! Mine is 2.5 and still a rubbish sleeper (sorry!) but I can see from friends' experiences that it is so much easier to "get stuff done" and not feel overwhelmed by daily life if you're getting a full night's sleep. After all, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.... Be kind to yourself, two is tough, especially on minimal sleep.

Yes penguin I went to my gp, I had been resisting going back on ads (I’m on enough meds as I have a chronic illness) but I’m so glad I did. They have saved my marriage!

Can you afford a cleaner? We pay £20 a week and she does the floors, kitchen and bathroom. Can’t cope without her!

Dizzy I am ashamed to say we actually have a cleaner one hour a week but somehow in between it still manages to look like a bomb has hit. I am gradually trying to reorganise as I think the main problem is that we have too much stuff. That is just one current trigger though, there can be other things that set it off.

I am a bit concerned that if they did offer me counselling there is no way I could go as I always have my DD and have no family nearby but I guess I should go first and worry about those details later.

Sounds like you've got a very stressful life, no wonder you feel overwhelmed sometimes. Although I agree with you that it might be wise to find another way to express strong emotions, my view is that you are coping. Sure, biting yourself isn't ideal, but you're not doing permanent damage or taking it out on the kids or using drugs. You've found a way of coping that works for you, it's just not one that's so great long-term.

I agree that therapy would be helpful to sort out what's going on for you and if you like the idea of counselling but would struggle to find child care, how about online counselling? Many online counsellors offer asynchronous counselling e.g. by email, so that you can read/write when you have a spare 10 minutes, rather than having to keep an appointment.

Some counsellors also work over the phone or via Skype if that could be an option?

Sounds like your mum is toxic! Better ban her from ever visiting. Only visit in her house OR at a cafe.
You remind me of my mum. She used to freak out mega when her own mum visited and we (the kids) used to get the brunt of her anger and frustration.
In subsequent years we always visited Nan's and she NEVER came to our house. Mum was so much happier!

Asynchronous counselling could be a really good idea Dido thanks for the suggestion. I find it much easier to express myself in writing anyway.

Poisonous I wouldn't describe my mum as toxic by any stretch of the imagination, though it's fair to say perhaps our relationship isn't the healthiest at times. You could be right that visiting there is the answer, I do find it slightly less stressful. I certainly don't want my kids to have the experience you had growing up. I think at the moment I take out my anger on myself but I don't want my kids to pick up on my stress levels around visits with my mum and dad.

Good idea where I think the main thing will be finding a time that works but if I don't have to factor in travelling it could be easier.