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Mental health

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Original poster

okay, i just sobbed for 20 mins with no one but ds in the house after an only mildly irritating phone call with my mother. worried that i'm crying too much

32 replies

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:11

I have a mother I love dearly but who can wind me up hugely, BUT I've found in the last few months that a standard annoying phone call with her can leave me in tears. And even at other times, nothing to do with her, I'll keep bursting into tears. I work from home and have a 1 year old, who just looks at me while I cry and then hands me a building block. But its dawning on me that I shouldn't be just bursting into tears for no reason at all at this stage, should i? And it can't be good for ds to see him mum get upset like that.

OP posts:

FiveFingeredFiend · 04/05/2007 14:12

Is it no reason?

Are you putting yourself down? Do you think you overreacted to your mother?

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:14

I don't know. If you have got a lot of stuff going on in your life, perhaps you're massively stressed. My mum can be pretty difficult to deal with and can say the most hurtful things. If you think that your life is "peachy" and there is no reason for you to be crying, maybe go and see the doctor and get some counselling? I doubt it would affect ds much at this stage, but if it is a symptom of underlying issues/problems, then it obviously needs addressing.

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:16

well, i do get too affected by what she says, but to be honest, i don't think its worse than any mainly functional mother daughter relationship. I'm more cross at myself for getting into an argument, when I should just listen, and let everything she says wash over me. But I really, really shouldn't be crying about it.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:18

But parents get to you more than anyone else because their approval is still so important to you, adult or not. Is it a particular topic that triggers you off? I find I am (not surprisingly) very sensitive about any criticism of ds or my parenting of him - very different to my mum's...

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:18

I am exhausted, from dh working all hours at a new job. I work from home but feel that I've had to take on ALL the housework too, while dealing with ds and keeping on top of work. I think that has more to do with my weepiness at the moment.

And I think my mothers calls in the middle of the day just irritate me, but if I try to tell ehr that, it cues lots of me being called selfish, and how no one really likes me as I'm so rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:20

Mumpbump - she doesn't quite criticise, as imply. Today's conversation:
Her: How's the baby
Me: Oh really well. He's eaten loads of salmon and broccoli today
Her: Well don't cut down on his milk.
Me: I'm not, but I'm glad he;s eating too.
Her: But he'll starve if you don't give him enough milk
Me: But I didn't say I have cut down on milk.

And then it detriorates from there,

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:22

You sound just like me!!! I had a major crying fit on dh earlier in the week. I said that I was busy trying to run the house, sort out a plumber, get quotes for chimney liners, sort out childcare for our ds, commute and work all day, worrying about my current pg and that I couldn't cope and him telling me I COULD cope wasn't particularly helpful either! He put on two loads of washing over the next day or so and got up at 05:30 with ds one morning so I could get some sleep. I think you are suffering from Knackered Mother Syndrome - a syndrome to which mothers of younger children are particularly vulnerable!

And as for your Mum's comments, they are about as nasty as some of the stuff my mum comes out with and I'm not surprised you end up in tears!!!

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:23

Best way to deal with parenting comments is to do lots of research so you can quote things at her, such as "a baby apparently requires a pint of milk a day (or whatever it is) at the age of 1 and I am making sure he gets enough!"

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:26

She's a medic though and spectacularly dismisive of any medical research on child rearing. Unless its something she wants to use to beat me over the head with.

But, but but this is not meant to be a i hate my mother thread. I really want to know if a)its okay to be so weepy and b)how to stop.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 04/05/2007 14:28

Alternatively just put the phone down quietly and walk away..i have an ansaphone to field unwanted calls. I highly recommend it!!

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:31

How to stop?

Get your dh to muck in more. Easier said than done - mine is very resistant despite promises that he will help; when he does do one or two things, he thinks it should balance out the months I've spent doing everything.

Get some home help. A cleaner or someone who can take ds off your hands for a couple of hours a day/week, for example.

Tell your mother than medical knowledge is always changing and that there are lots of different parenting theories / philosophies out there, rather than any one right way to do stuff.

To be honest, it sounds as though your mum might be feeling excluded if she gets irritated by you not having enough time to talk to her. Why not see if she can take ds off your hands if she lives locally. She will feel more involved and you will get some time to yourself / help with your baby.

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:32

I was going to suggest screening calls, but if you're working from home, that might not be so practical...

saltire · 04/05/2007 14:32

Oranges, my mum's like that at times. it's not so much what she says but the way she says it.
Things like

"How's DS1's sore tummy today"
Me "It's still sore but it's just his constipation"
"How do you know, are you a dcotor, it could be appendicitis", and she goes on like this for days until by the end of it I am convinced I am the worst mum in the whole world and that DS1 has stomach cancer. That's how she is. She's the same if any of us are ill, constantly phoning and telling us wwe should be doing X, Y or Z. I often don't answer the phone if I know it's her

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:36

so how do you cope with it? I have a cleaner and childcare a few days a week, and dh does do as much as he can in the time he's home.

My mother doesn't live locally but does really help out at weekends and if I have to go away on business, and she really is a great grandmother.

She could be more tactful but I think the problem is with me. My life is really not that bad and I should feel more cheerful/

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 14:38

The only other thing you can do is just let things slide with your mum so at least you don't always end up in an argument. I have tried to do this more and more with my mum since ds was born to improve our relationship and it has, largely, worked. It is not always easy to bite your tongue, but at the end of the day, it is none of their business so you can happily ignore whatever they say and get on with the important job of looking after your ds your way...

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 14:44

isn't there a part of you that always thinks - she's right, i am in the wrong.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 15:07

Yup - but at the end of the day, your child is your responsibility and you are the person who reaps the rewards of how you bring them up - or not, as the case may be. You only have to look at some of the heated threads on here to see how different people's ideas of parenting can be and how they can each be convinced that their way is right. Like I say, there are lots of ways to bring up children. My personal view is that provided your children grow up knowing that you love them and will be there for them no matter what, you will have been a successful parenting. No point sweating the small stuff...

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 15:07

Sorry - "successful mother"...

Dinosaur · 04/05/2007 15:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 15:14

hhmm, think you are right Dino. I blurted out today - well my brother is your favourite of course. Its something I've always known and dh spotted in ten minutes of meeting my family, but not something I've ever said out loud before.

OP posts:

Dinosaur · 04/05/2007 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 15:22

I tried to avoid calls, but that sparked another round of recriminations. Actually, thinking about it, its only a problem in the last few months because she is not working and is sitting at home slightly bored and grumpy.

What do you do if you call feeling all cheerful and hang up a quivering wreck? That's what happened today. And I really don't have any energy to spare on this.

God this thread is therapeutic. I'm feeling a hundred times better as I type.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 15:24

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, have a big cuddle with your ds and promise yourself that you will never act like that towards your own children and then put it out of your mind as far as possible. You can't change her behaviour; you can only learn not to make the same mistakes...

Original poster

oranges · 04/05/2007 15:27

but how do i know i won't act like that with my children? She is not a monster, and I am a lot like her, so can imagine I would drive my nearest and dearest insane in a similar way.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/05/2007 15:32

The fact that you are even aware of the effect she is having on you will mean, I am sure, that you are a lot more sensitive towards your children... I have told my dh to tell me if he thinks I am getting like my mother, but then she's just been diagnosed with a form of lung cancer which can spread to the brain and, sad to say, we are wondering if it explains some of her nastier behaviour...

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