Still not over my sexual assault

[Starfish]

I was assaulted at the end of 2016 by a guy I met online.

We talked for a while on okcupid and he seemed so nice and normal so we met up. Spent the day together and I had sex with him. We were having a good day together so decided to go out to a club, came back to my place where he promptly fell asleep.

I passed out in bed and woke up to him assaulting me. I was in denial for the longest time about all of it. Even had (consensual) sex with him the next day. But ever since I came to terms with it all, I just can't seem to shake the thought of it.

This was over a year ago... I don't think I have ptsd, I don't have vivid flashbacks or anything but I find myself thinking about it a lot and it makes me feel so sick. I hace a bpd diagnosis and I'm having a bad night so it all feels 100% worse. I just don't know when I'm going to be able to not have this invade my thoughts.

I think I just need a handhold more that anything. I'm really in a bad place tonight.

Starfish sorry no advice but didnt want to read and run

I truly hope that at some point you manage to find a way to deal with this horrific thing you have been through

I also wanted to linger to handhold. Intrusive thoughts are horrible, I know. There is an end to this tunnel. I hope you have reached it, or do so soon.

I have bpd too and was abused as a teenager.

I don’t think you ever get over it tbh. At some point you learn to live with it and it’s not a huge part of who you are. My abuse ended 17 years ago and it’s only been the past 5-6 that I’ve kind of made peace with not ever getting over it. Be kind to yourself. Do you have a therapist? Might be worth speaking to someone about it, I’ve had r sets of talking therapy and it has really helped.