PND and my mother

[V1ct0r1a]

A long one, so thanks for reading until the end...

For a few months now I’ve had PND. I went to see the doctor about a totally unrelated matter, she asked me how it was going and I burst into tears! I have a counselling appointment booked for March... so although things are not brilliant I am sorting it out. My husband is completely understanding and massively supportive.

My own mother has been visiting once a week since baby was born (he’s now 8 months). She visited one day when I was feeling particularly stressed out so perhaps wasn’t on top form. I knew something was up when she left early and didn’t help tidy the house (I completely do not expect her to do this but she has done it every week until that visit so I knew she was annoyed). Anyway she didn’t speak to me for a week then (not unusual) but she also didn’t text me to let me know she was planning on visiting the night before her regular visit. I text her and got a very crappy and short text saying no she wouldn’t be visiting. A few days later she text again to say she wouldn’t be visiting regularly anymore as my son is older and the weather is getting colder (!). During that period I got my PND diagnosis. I bit the bullet and decided to tell her about it. In response I got a horrible letter from her in the post which was entirely focused on how I had made her feel and said some horrible things about me.

Now my reaction to a child of mine telling me they are suffering from depression would be something like “I’m so sorry to hear you are not well, how can I help?” Or something like that. Now my head is really screwed up thinking maybe I really was a bitch to her when she came to visit - although I can’t think what I did that was so bad. And she makes me feel this is all my fault. I was depressed in my teens and she dismissed it then - took a long time for our relationship to recover from that and I don’t think it ever did entirely.

I really valued the relationship I had with my own Grandma and I want the same for my son, irrelevant of my own relationship with her. We aren’t talking at the moment. She lives an hour and a half away.mmy husband’s parents live in NZ!

Has anyone experienced anything like this and how did you deal with it? I can’t have my mum messing with my head and screwing up my recovery because that letter really set me on a downwards spiral, can’t have that again.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

I think your going to have to put your mum in a “ box” for now.
You need to use all your reserves to get well again after your diagnosis of PND. Once your well and strong again, then maybe go back to how you feel about what your Mum has done to you ( which by the way I think was a proper sh&£y thing for her to do)
So no contact for the minute. Just you , your DP and your beautiful baby getting through this until you have the mind space to properly deal with this.
And lots of hugs sent your way

Oh gosh you poor thing. Well done on getting your PND diagnosis and dealing with that. I think I’d write to your mum and say that you love her and were really enjoying her visits. That you are sorry if you upset her the last time she came - on reflection maybe you weren’t on top form because of PND - but it was never your intention to upset her. I’d tell her it’s fine if she doesn’t want to come because of weather/time etc. But if it’s something else please could she tell you as you really miss her and you want to put it right as she is a wonderful mum/grandma who you need in your/your DC’s life.

It doesn’t like she is being terribly supportive but it might all be a misunderstanding, hopefully a letter like this would clear it up. If she’s still cross after that I think I would radically adjust my expectations of her and we probably wouldn’t have such a great relationship moving forward.

It doesn’t sound like

I meant

Some people really don't/won't understand MH.
Sounds like she is trying to make everything about her. Perhaps you did offend her by daring to let your feelings affect how you acted with her, which is ridiculous. She is taking this waaaayyyy to personally.

If she really doesn't want to listen to and accept how you feel then it's her loss. You shouldn't have to feel guilty about that on top of everything else you're going through.
I will also add that if she has no interest in how you actually feel and is unwilling to even try and understand then you have to think about whether she is really a person you want influencing your child.

Good luck with recovery op- in this time you need to surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel better, it’s time to put yourself first- as much as you can with an 8 month baby!
For me personally PND was all wrapped up with feelings of self worth and my relationships growing up were a big part of that- recognising that and taking a step back was a big part in getting better and staying better. Take care x