Morning. I've name changed for this as I'm quite active on another thread, but have been on the mental health pages in the past.
I have a history of depression and anxiety. I've had CBT in the past and a course of Sertraline which were both successful.
I've been 2 years without medication now. Winter is especially hard, there's definitely an element of SAD to my history, I'm always hit the hardest in February.
When I am not depressed, I can read the list of symptoms and identify them, and see that it is an illness and see that I suffer from it. But at the moment I feel terrible, life seems to be going to shit, but I don't know if this is depression or just how my life is now, and this is it.
I am feeling totally suffocated by people and life. I can't cope with people, their problems, and being spoken too. I am a horrible withdrawn moody cow with my partner, I can't talk to him or stand him near me. Our relationship has been awful for a while and I don't know if that's a symptom or a cause.
I am irritable and snappy with my beautiful child. He deserves better. I don't have the energy to deal with him.
My parents both have some health problems and want my support but I can't handle it and have massively withdrawn from them too.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be needed by anyone. I don't want responsibility anymore.
I just want to escape. I want silence. I want to be alone. I want to run away from it all.
Is this it? Is this my fucked up life of misery now? Or have I just lost perspective and this is depression again? I can't see beyond it to work it out.
If you've read this, then thank you for listening.