Not sure if need relationships thread or here, think relevant to both and just need to vent.

[forcryinoutloud]

It anyone feels like they could just say ' I hear you' then it would make me feel better!

Will try and nutshell it, am in my late 40's, 2DC 19yr (on 'gap' year/being a lazy arse in the main) and 15 yr working hard at gcse's.
I work part time, most days of the week, DH full time. Aswell as work I do all the cleaning, 90% cooking , 95% shopping and pretty much all the general miscellaneous crap like taking out the recycling and have 95% of the 'mental load', medical apps (of which I have more than my share due to DC health issues), school admin etc.

On top of all this I am going through the menopause, in a stuttering kind of way and feel very tired a lot of the time, this week have felt exhausted due to heavy period. For what seems like years I have been stating to DH that we need to get DC into the mind set of helping a bit more round the house. They are very good teens on the whole and give me little bother but of course do not tend to offer help unless you ask for it. DS is good at helping DH with bigger heavy jobs but when it comes to the general housework it's a different story.

Anyhow DH just doesn't seem to grasp this and I never seem to get a positive response about it. If I leave notes about what's to be done (all 3 of them had most of the week off this week) I am getting stressy, if I ask I am nagging etc etc I just can't win. It's also hard for me to moan to DH as he is fabulous in a lot of ways and actually does do a lot himself (we've had a lot of other jobs around house since moving) but he never or very rarely ask the DC to help and most esp to help me with the day to day shit. Whenever we have a discussion it just seems to end negatively. All I want him to say is 'I hear you' in a positive way (instead of getting cross or defensive) and 'yes I will ask the DC to help you a bit more'. That's all I want, cos quite frankly I am utterly knackered. Is it too much to ask?

I hear you
May I ask why you did not involve your children in helping around the house when they were younger, so they helping out is normal?

My suggestion is instead of waiting for your DHs verbal support. Just give a list of jobs and when they are to be carried out to DCs tell them from now on these are your jobs. I do know there maybe some moaning☹
Hopefully DH will support you.🤔

Thank you Posh, for your kindness. As far as I can remember I got them to help, yes, definitely more so when they got to high school age. I think I got to the point of getting fed up of hearing my own voice, asking nicely or sternly or leaving lists or whatever approach I took didn't seem to work and of for my own sanity I just got on with stuff myself. Whether this was right or wrong of me I don't know. But that's why it's always been as 'issue' between me and DH, cos the brunt of the housework was mine.

I think I posted in MH because I have felt so stabby this week . Some incidences at work haven't helped either and I've just wanted to scream 'FFS leave me alone!' That said, I do know it's not just me being stabby at home, I do have a valid point! Really appreciate you reading and listening

Good grief, I definitely hear you! Nevermind the kids, why isn't DH helping out more?! I would do what Poshindevon suggests - make a list of chores for the three of them that are theirs. I would start with ones where it's no skin off your nose if they don't do them. Eg they each need to do all their own washing and ironing. The 19 year old needs to handle all their own medical appointments too. Also I would institute a rule that whoever cooks does not tidy away. Don't worry about who does it - it's just not you, and if it doesn't get done, then clearly they don't need you to cook the next meal for them. Good luck!

Thanks Jam it is good someone does! That's the thing, DH does do a lot as when he's not been working he's had a LOT of decorating to do to get the house ok so I have took the brunt of the rest of it.
If I could rely upon DS to make his own apps all the time I would. He has made some of them, with a lot of 'nagging' from me. That is def one of the mental loads I mentioned, all the family medical apps.
I am pleased to report though that the message seems to have got through to DH a little more................