Intrusive thoughts - hand hold please

[SingaSong12]

First I am not suicidal or at risk of self harm. Sorry this is long. Please hold my hand and if anyone has ideas for self help please tell me.

I want to be dead.
I had a chat thread about this a few days ago but came off it. A relative has just been diagnosed with cancer. As well as worried and sad for him it has triggered thoughts in my head that are intrusive and unhelpful. I have no where I can express these irl - everyone already has real things to deal with and I feel guilty just having the thoughts.

I have depression and autism. I wish I had the cancer instead of the relative. This is mainly he has children and a good job. I also already have experience of being in hospital as a patient. I have thoughts that I should be killed and about being useless. I'm guilty for feeling all this as it is turning the focus from him to me. I was ok when we visited but otherwise thoughts are here.

I normally do mindfulness meditation but don't seem to be able to start that - just cry.

Are you being treated for your depression? Have you spoken with your GP?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks - yes I'm being treated. I opened a thread in chat.