Hi I have a baby who is 7 weeks old, unplanned and undiscovered until I was nearly halfway through the pregnancy. I recently turned 40, already have 3 DC and really felt my family was complete. Being forced to continue the pregnancy and become a mother of 4 at my age has broken me. That is no reflection of my love for my baby, I love her very much but I am hugely resentful of the situation and my life feels as though it’s been destroyed.
My life on paper is fine. I am very happily married with a loving and supportive husband, we have a nice home and I have a great relationship with my children who are lovely, happy kids who are doing well at school (aside from the DC3 who is only 2.)
However, I am struggling to cope with the overwhelming sadness and despair that consumes me every day. I am constantly tearful, resentful of my situation (not my baby) and wake with a sense of dread every day. I think about ending my life, running away etc in quite some detail, to the point it’s intrusive. I don’t believe I’d do any of that but I think about it so much it’s like a fantasy (if that makes any sense?)
I went for my 6 week check yesterday. The doctor mentioned the baby had gained her birthweight back but questioned why I hadn’t had her weighed again. The reason is that she is 7 weeks old and she’s been weighed twice by the HV who said she was fine, no concerns. My baby feeds very well indeed, she has outgrown all her baby grows and anyone that knows her can see and feel she has grown significantly. Having had the experience of 3 previous DC and not being aware that weighing was esssential beyond the health visitors visits, I didn’t feel a great need to take her to be weighed again. I work one day a week at the moment, keeping a foot in the door of my work while on maternity for my sanity and to get a break from my life. I work Mondays. The only day they weigh babies in my area is on Mondays in a library as my Sure Start Centre was shut last year.
When I explained this to the doctor she said I should be making more effort. I felt very judged by her through her tone of voice and facial expression. I tried explaining how I felt about the rest of everything and she suggested that she thinks I should be referred to the ‘Early Help Hub’ i.e social services!!!! I am so so upset. I work for my local Safeguarding team supporting vulnerable families. Once you are ‘known’ to them you will always have a record about your family. That can be helpful for some families but I don’t feel as though not having my baby weighed more than twice in 7 weeks, given the circumstances, is reason for a referral. I tried explaining that it’s my feelings of despair and tearfulness that I’m struggling with but on a practical level, my husband and I keep a tidy, clean home, hold down jobs, study (exams coming up for me soon) and function well as a family (loving, good communication, no behavioural issues with kids etc) and it’s those sort of issues that Early Intervention is there for.
Anyway I was crying and pleading with her in the end not to make me known to SS as a client. Aside from the fact it would make work very awkward I feel that my PND (which I believe I might have) would be better treated with medication. So I have a prescription and have been told to return in a fortnight.
I can’t sleep through worry now. I feel too afraid to go back and speak truthfully about my feelings with this doctor. I can’t stop going over the appointment in my head. Do you think her response was appropriate and I should travel (over ten miles) to get baby weighed? Or take a day off work (having just gone back) in order to do it? Will I be able to go back for a review with a different doctor even though she told me to return to her? Any tips on dealing with my feelings of despair? And has anyone got any experience of taking Citalopram? Sorry it’s long, thanks in advance for any replies. I don’t know where to go from here at all.