I just need to get this out

[AllTheWayDown]

I don't even know why I'm posting on here, I guess I need to talk to someone?
I feel like my life is just falling apart and some days I question wether it would be better just to end it all. I feel like I'm being incredibly dramatic when I think it but it's genuinely how I feel. I have a 9 month old dd who I love with every little bit of my heart... but some days I wish I never had a baby. Does this make me the worst person in the world? I feel like it does. I never wanted kids, ever. I still on mat leave and going back to a place of work that I hate, I'm not happy there, the people are horrible but I love the job and the pay is good for what I'll be working, I don't think I can afford to work anywhere else. Me and dh are in so much debt that we are trying to climb our way out of. We still live with my parents which is so overcrowded and don't think we'll ever afford to be able to move out now I'm going to part time work because we can't afford child care. He has a 12 yr old dd who is causing quite a bit of trouble and his ex is just vile towards us. I am so lonely, I have no friends. The friends I have from work I don't even hear from anymore, I try to go to baby classes but they are all on when dd has her naps. The only one I can go to I just feel like a complete outsider and no one talks to me so I don't even want to go, I just go for dd. Other than that class and when we go for walks sometimes we are just stuck in the house and it drives me insane. Fil has offered us to move into his flat but that's 60 miles away from here and I've lived here all my life, I think I'd be even more lonely there. I'm sorry for rambling I just think I needed to get this out, reading it now I feel a bit pathetic and it doesn't seem that bad compared to what some people are going through.

First of all hugs. I can’t even imagine your stress.

Honestly get the book “the subtle art of not giving a fcuk” I read it and it really did help xx

Hiya

1. Solidarity, sister - not everyone really basks in having a baby. It can be incredibly hard , mentally - the isolation, the massive change in lifestyle, the constant curtailing of everything you used to do. When DS was born I worried that I didn't love him like I was supposed to. He was a little semi-human scrap of a thing that I felt immense responsibility for, but if that was love, it was like no sort of love I'd felt before. Scarier, more imperative, less fun.
2. Love and support with your difficult circumstances. Can't help you that much there but big hugs.
3. Baby classes aren't compulsory. I haven't been to any baby classes which are "just" baby classes. I've been to a lot of singing groups and I love baby swimming. Those ones work better for me - I'm no good at making smalltalk and the thought of just having to sit around nursing a cup of cold tea while desperately trying to find something in common with the people around me, apart from nappies and naps, strikes fear into my heart. Think of what you like to do, and build your baby's social life around that. You'll meet more interesting people that way.
4. Never mind "what some people are going through". If you got run over and lost a leg, it wouldn't make it hurt any less if the next day someone else got run over and lost both their legs. You're allowed to feel sad and frustrated and lonely.
5. Have some more hugs xx

How are you feeling today?

Thank you both for replying. I had a bit of a breakdown last night and just curled up on my bedroom floor crying and think I started having a panic attack but I ended up ringing Samaritans because I had no idea what to do, I felt so silly but it really helped talking to someone who I didn't know. I just kind of feel sad today but have realised I need and want to do something because I hate feeling like this.
I'll take a look at that book, sounds like something I could do with!
I always felt bad for not wanting to talk all things baby with other mums, I just want a normal conversation about.. well anything really. Me and dd really like swimming so I might take a look at swimming classes actually. We sometimes all go on the weekend as dsd loves it aswell.
Thank you both xx

Big hugs to you! I am in the same boat as you as in me and my dh live with his parents and we have a 9 month old ds its such hard work. I have just gone back to work which has helped a little bit as I now have a bit of space to myself (I also hate my job haha).

I went to a few baby classes but like you I dont like talking to people I dont really know I am quite awkward and I felt the outsider, they all seemed to know eachother from other things.

Anyway just thought I would let you know you are not the only one who feels like this being a parent is the hardest thing in world and you are allowed to feel sad and overwhelmed. I hope you are feeling better

Glad you spoke to someone. The Samaritans are a great service - I've called them myself in time of struggle. It really is completely normal to just struggle with everyday life sometimes - we all do even if we don't admit it!

It must be hard having a baby and worrying about debts too so don't be too hard on yourself... anyone would find it hard x

Hiya.

I have a 7 month old and I am getting a bit better now but I felt exactly the same as you for the first 6 months. I cried every day. I still cry several days a week. I am still really lonely at home. My husband doesn't really understand.

I struggle really badly sometimes.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling like this x

Oh and I have been known to text the Samaritans as well at my lowest points.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. It's nice to know there are other people going through the same thing, I do sometimes feel like every other parent in the world has it all together and then there's me!
@FrozenMargarita17 I'm glad to hear you're getting better xx