I'm just a bitch to everyone and lose all my friends

[thatcoldfeeling]

I literally can't stop it.

I just want to yell about how nobody cares about me and I will die and nobody will care, and nobody cares what has happened or how I feel and I know it is because I am a disgusting selfish bitch.

And then I wonder why I have no friends and I can never get out of this neverending hell that is my life because I am so horrible and nobody likes me.

I hate myself so much :(

Sounds like you could do with some CBT therapy to change your thought patterns. I am pretty sure nobody hates you, that's just how it feels to you. My daughter has BPD and feels exactly the same way as you do. But she can not seem to grasp that it is not that people hate her that forces them to abandon her, it is that she pushes them away and creates a self fulfilling prophecy that just constantly underlines how right ( totally incorrect) her self hatred is.

I've had CBT a few times, once for anxiety, once for bulimia, neither time it has worked at all.

I think I may well have BPD. I really do push everyone away but what I want to do is the total opposite and I just want people to reassure me that they are not going to hate me but nobody ever does that and it is not the kind of thing you can just ask ... and definitely not every 10 minutes as I am sure I would start to think I need :( FFS I hate my life.

Have you ever considered you might have depression? A lot of those "I know I'm worthless and I crave people telling me I'm not but I cant ask" thoughts seem very familiar to me, as is the "maybe I should just leave and see if anyone even cares".

Oh I do have depression that is not in doubt. And anxiety, and an eating disorder, and PTSD. Tried to kill myself last year, am having counselling, that isn't working and I have been doing some really bad self harm stuff, am about to get allocated a CPN and see a psychiatrist.

I literally cannot stand how I self sabotage everything friendship I ever have while desperately wanting to do the opposite. I hate myself so much.

Oh lovey! I realised a bit ago that my awful fits of anger were all about feeling bad about myself. I hated myself and felt grotty all the time - if anyone did or said anything that made me feel put down, or trod on any of my beliefs, that reinforced my idea that I was a dreadful person, and I didn't like that, so I kicked off massively - and therefore felt even worse for being such a cow.
A few thoughts:

1. Guilt, as a wise person told me once, is a waste of time. It doesn't help the person on whose account you're feeling guilty. It just makes you feel worse.
2. You always have a choice. If you've behaved badly to people, that doesn't mean you're destined to do the same again.
3. And you can apologise. It mightn't retrieve a friendship, but it might resolve an enmity. 4)You might be wrong about sabotaging all your friendships. People might like you an awful lot more than you think. I've made that mistake, too. Take care xx

I really hope you are right Smiths.

I once told a psychiatrist that I felt awful because I'd spat my dummy at a colleague. She said, well, you can always tell him you're sorry, and I did (via text - that made it easier, somehow) and he was lovely about it.
If you were a really dreadful person you wouldn't care about upsetting people. You know you want to get on with people, and you know that sometimes you might've said or done the wrong thing (though, I suspect, you might not have been as awful as you think) and therefore you kind of know what to do. Take care xx