Please help me see through this fog

[Undercoverbanana]

I have a history of very debilitating anxiety and panic attacks.

I have got things under control and ticking along very nicely in my out-of-work life. I have worked through those anxieties and can see a vague outline of the future and have hopes and goals.

I have been signed off work because work sent me home “because I am unable to do my job because of my anxiety”. I just can’t seem to get a handle on it. I feel so insignificant and stupid at work. I don’t think they like me. I don’t like some of them, to be honest. I don’t trust any of them - there is lots of tittle-tattling and “reporting to the boss” that goes on. I am very subdued and try to be invisible there. We are treated like children and I find that very difficult - I can’t breathe. I have lots of anxiety attacks and I get “reported” which adds to my anxiety. After I have recovered from an attack, there is an “inquest”. So as I am recovering and fighting to regain equilibrium and balance, the whole thing gets dragged up again and sets me right back.

I am a failure and I have no idea what to do about it.

I have tried to “fake my way through” but this always involves me going too far the other way. I laugh too loud (and get into trouble), I talk too much (the boss has a go). I can’t get it right.

I am going to have to get another sick note because I have an appointment with a workplace adviser from the Well-being team at the GP surgery but it is not until after my current sick note.

I feel like a fraud. I am absolutely fine. I was very successful at a very challenging sporting event last weekend and am busy booking a summer holiday linked to my sporting interest. So much of my life is great.

I have nearly 20 years of working life left (if I can retire before 70).

How the chuffing chuff am I going to get through this? I am so anxious, distressed, worried, guilty, paranoid .......

💐
Has the GP offered any therapies that might help like CBT or mindfullness sessions? If not, can you go in and ask for help? Counselling might help too.

Yes - the Well-being lady has offered these things but work are just loading more and more anxieties on top and we can’t get down to the underlying issues. That is why the workplace adviser is getting involved.

I know the answer is probably to get a new job but I can’t keep running can I? My job is reasonably well paid for a boring admin job and I have a pension going on. I would feel the same anywhere - I just know I would.

I am actually good at the job. I know I am. I just feel so intimidated by the people and it’s too hot and the bright lights make me so panicky.

Oh - and also I am sort of lying to my parents and my daughter by not telling them I am off work.

I don’t want them to think of me as a failure and.I can’t take the additional weight and guilt of their worry and questions.

I feel guilty for withholding this information. Now I am a liar too.