No way forward

[NonePlusFive]

Feel myself slipping. I can't even put the words together for this.
I'm isolating myself, not hard, I live quite isolated, no enthusiasm or confidence.
Considering quitting my course which I loved, I've been getting distinctions but suddenly I feel too stupid to continue. I can't understand the lectures or the reading or the assignments, friends don't take me seriously I guess because of my grades.
I keep upsetting people socially and I don't know why. I believe I have asd, I'm only just realising how I must come across. And if that's my life.., I'm not sure I want to be that person.

I'm so ashamed of feeling like this, it's always been a secret and that's not easy to get past. I've been to drs,counsellors, cpn, psychiatrist before but never been able to just talk. I can't stand counsellors - either silence or pity. Drs don't have time, I can't tell my friends or family how I feel. I just can't. I'll probably get kicked off the course if I tell my tutors or have to take time out.
I'd rather sleep forever, disappear.

I don't see a way forward. I really don't.

Can anyone relate?
Anyone diagnosed asd as adult or undiagnosed and suspect asd?
Feels like something is pulling me down and I can't get up.

I’m sorry to hear you feel so shit

How would you feel about asking for an ASD assessment? I know there’s no cure but if you do have it then it might ease things to understand why you are the way you are and enable you to learn some strategies for coping.

Can you talk to your university and explain the struggles you are having?

Thank you. All sensible suggestions. I'd like to seek diagnosis yes, but anxious about it and also I know waiting times are very long if the service is even offered in this area.
I'd like to speak to others that have been through it, but can't seem to find a current thread of support.

Re talking to uni, I'm not sure if it would be a good idea. As I say I'm concerned they would question my fitness and I'd have to take time out which I can't do, it wouldn't help...
and it's the same old problem, because I get good grades I don't think anyone would believe I struggle. I get good grades because I work so so hard, and get zero support because I do so well. It's like school, I was desperate for support then but never would have been able to ask and as I did well academically no one thought to question my mental health.

Thank you for talking to me.

Book a double appointment with a GP so you have longer to talk to them. Have they previously suggested medication or put you on the list for a talking therapy? In some areas you can also self-refer for a mental health assessment.

The uni should not hold your problems against you or discriminate against you for having them. They should be able to offer you the right support.

By the way I know exactly what you mean about counsellors. Many are fantastic (and likely to be registered with the BACP). But there are also quite a few who aren't. If you are looking to talk more in depth, without head tilts and long silences or just having everything repeated back to you, you could be better off with a clinical psychologist or a psychotherapist.

I had cbt about ten years ago and medication that was not good. Last year went back on medication but found it too hard to go back all the time and different gp every time, times have changed... tried counselling again last year as well but it wasn't helpful.
I feel completely out of it, that's the hardest, so hard to ask for help or engage when you feel this way. It would be so easy to totally cut myself off, stop uni, give up on work and wait for it all to fall in on me.. easier than saying I need help. I don't think anyone would believe me.
Positives. I didn't self harm today, been considering it all day. And I asked disability service if they can help with asd assessment, they can't.

Week going from horrendous to even worse.
Shutting myself away from everyone, can't do it anymore. About to buy razor blades, not done that it years. Don't trust myself with them.
But what's the point