Support for those with depressed DHs?

[Wordsmith]

That's it really. My DH is suffering from depression. Has been for years. I'm trying to help but everything I say seems to make it worse. It's in my nature to try and find solutions to problems but I don't know if there is a solution for this. It is destroying him, our 33 year relationship and the happiness of me and our teenage sons. I desperately want to help him but I don't know how and I don't know who to talk to about it. Just need a virtual hug from anyone who's been there or is still there now x

He gets agitated when I open up and makes him very anxious. I’m seriously going to look in to getting myself help to get through this after chatting with everyone here.

Thank you xxx

Thank you for this thread. Sorry I don't have any advice to offer, but it is reassuring to read what others are going through supporting their DH or DP.

One of the things I struggling with at the moment is being unable to go away on business trips (one or two nights ok but nothing longer) because DH can't cope with the children on his own or without me there in general. But he is still going on his own business trips. If your partner has a health problem that they don't mind being talked about widely then work and friends can make allowances and help. But when it is all hush hush, it gets harder and harder to make excuses, and my work is suffering now.

There's a book called Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield ( I think) which has strategies for the families of depressed people to manage and take care of themselves. There is another book by her aswell, I can't remember the title. They really helped me years ago in a similar situation.

hercules I had the same problem about going away, I was really worried about leaving him. But I had to, I encouraged him to ask his parents for help and rang them myself to make sure they’d be round while I was away and rang them while I was away as well as him. I was so lucky they could help and wanted to help.

I couldn’t put my life on hold so had to find strategies. tBF this wasn’t during the first few months of absolute crisis.

My team at work, v small and friends, knew what was going on but the wider organisation didn’t. Effectively the6 covered up for my frequent absences during the first few months till the medication kicked in for him.

In short you can’t underestimate the effect on you as a partner and have to prioritise yourself too.

Thanks for the book recommendation Bobbinogs, I’ve ordered this

MusicianLab and everyone, thanks for opening up. Sometimes you do feel guilty thinking "What about me?" when your OH is the one feeling crap.

Can I ask if depression has affected your intimacy with your DH at all? My DH and I have hardly had a sexual relationship for years, although we share the same bed and cuddle a lot. To be honest I feel as though i am the only adult in the relationship sometimes, and that doesn't make me feel very sexy. I know I am loved, but I don't feel at all supported, and DH's relentless focus on his own feelings and problems means that he hardly considers me when it comes to demonstrating that he loves me and values me. My expectations of thoughtful (not expensive) presents at Christmas and on my birthday, for example, are extremely low, but he still manages to surprise me with gifts requiring the least possible amount of thought and consideration for who I am and what I like.

Even writing that makes me feel guilty, but I take time to think about what he likes, and feel upset that he doesn't seem to care or even listen when I drop huge hints!

Still not getting any better. There's been another flare up of work-related stress and he's sure his bosses are trying to force him out of his job. DH is 58, works in lifelong learning and his boss is a real bully. He's already had six official complaints against him in the course of a couple of years and nothing has been done about him. Now he appears to be picking on DH. Higher up the chain of command is not better, his boss's boss is in a relationship with HER boss, and it appears (to DH) that there is nowhere he can go to get a resolution. HR seem to be useless and the union not much better.

I've tried to offer practical suggestions about how he could deal with his boss's demands and unreasonableness but he can't get past the way he feels about the situation. He wants to leave and get a part time job but at his age it's not as easy as that.

In a year, financially, things will be better. We will have paid off our mortgage and be hundreds of pounds better off a month. But at the moment, we hare thousands overdrawn every month. I am self employed and doing quite well, but not well enough to support us all if he lost his job or jacked it in. If he could only wait a year, I'm sure we could make it work.

But I don't think he's got that long. All I can see is him leaving his job, cashing in his meagre pension or selling the house. Without that, I don't know how we'd cope. I just don't know what to do.

Trouble is, leaving his job would solve one factor in his depression, but being completely strapped for cash would add another! (His second biggest stress-point at the moment, after his job, is the state of our bank balance).

Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh! Just needed to vent.

Hi all, I'm so glad I've found this thread. My DH also has depression although only been in treatment for the last 18 months. When diagnosed he was also going through a psychosis and thought he was being followed/monitored because he had looked at porn. It was a very strange thing to experience. He had drugs for that over a few months and the pyschosis went away. However he will be on anti depressants long term (apparently he said he has been depressed since he was a child). I'm a pretty upbeat person and sometimes it's difficult to cope with all of this as we have 2 children who are 3 and 8. As a result of the antidepressants he doesn't seem to remember anything I tell him re family life/plans/organising things so I pretty much do it myself (I work 4 days a week). He works from home but as a result of the antidepressants seems to fall asleep for 2 hours every afternoon and try as a might I do feel a bit resentful when sometimes perhaps I want a rest or it means the boys are just left on their iPads or down to me to amuse them. He never seems to want to do 'dad' things with the boys. He won't keep a reasonable bed time routine and regularly stays up and falls asleep downstairs. This led to an argument last night as the blaring tv woke me up at 130am. He called me a 'prick' as I said I would have to hide the remote controls in future. I know that was petty but we've spoken about this numerous times and he never changes his pattern and doesn't seem to think that's selfish when I'm either woken by noise or him coming up to bed in the wee hours. We are both working from home today but have not said a single word to each other today. I feel sad that this is my life.

He did say at the weekend he was feeling low so I don't know if we are on the receiving end of the backlash. My son has dyspraxia and he will often call him a 'tube' to his face which makes me sad too. He also drinks quite a bit and can polish a small jack daniels on a week day evening (normally this comes out once I've gone to bed)

Pootle, My DH was having 2 hour sleeps in the afternoon. Now he sets his alarm for 30 minutes and that works for him, but he feels really guilty for sleeping and leaving me without a rest. But this has come from him because he didn't like losing the afternoon to sleep.

I have come to recognise that if he has a bad day it is me who gets the backlash.

Wordsmith, I have found it therapeutic to vent here.

Agree with Maverick and This won't be popular either - from experience you will end up ruining your own happiness/life by everything being about his depression - you deserve a happy peaceful life and I realised this after 27 years and ended it
His depression should not be an excuse for bad behaviour, very hard to separate the two sometimes but he has to take responsibility or you will end up ground into the ground, not fair and doesn't change anything for the depressed person anyway

Evening everyone. How are you all?

My husband told me that he started to fall out of love with me when I was pregnant with our first child together, she’s now 16 months nearly. He’s now admitted that he doesn’t love me, is unsure if he wants to stay with me but doesn’t want to keep me in limbo. This was end of last year and every day is a living hell wondering what’s going to happen. He’s the love of my life, my soulmate and my whole world so this is heart breaking and soul destroying for me. I am strong, patient and understanding knowing that he’s I’ll and for the last few weeks been on medication to finally get help. But so far no changes. I know it takes a while for medication to kick in. I’ve tried talking to him about how its thedepression making him think like this. He couldn’t explain his feelings other than he couldn’t help it. I’ve stared having panic attacks now as i have constant anxiety and worry about our families future.
So, my question is this. Has anyone been through this? What did you do to help? I’m trying to stay strong and remind myself he’s ill but it’s just so difficult doing everthing myself and knowing there’s no support in any shape or form. He doesn’t communicate with me, he doesn’t want me to say I love you or tell him what a great dad he is. He’s also quite emotionally abuse towards me and can be cold and hard towards me but I’m still head over heels in love with him.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to the docs tomorrow to ask about the panic attacks and what I can do.

Any advice or personal experience would be amazing. Xx

Hi, I've not read this post much but my husband had depression last year... He's normally really active but I couldn't get him to excersise, signed us up to badminton together, which he seemed to enjoy... but he had to make his own choice to change, he started with getting 10k steps a day, allthough he seems to have a bit of a body image issue, being a slim build....nothing major and he's working on it by unfollowing people on Instagram he followed to inspire him to get fit... Told me when he was better he'd been suicidal... he would not go to the GP about it.

hello can I join? I have a severely depressed hubby with C-PTSD and psychosis, we haven't been married long and he's been bad since day 1 really. Honeymoon was a wash out due to anxiety.
Poor guy is very fed up, most days I can cope but days when he is grumpy are really hard.
Also anti psychotic meds kill intimacy he is just totally numb to emotions.
His is mainly due to childhood trauma, bereavement and loss of contact with family.

Oh gosh, that sounds so hard. Do you have your own coping mechanisms to switch off and look after yourself? What are you doing to have some you time? X

its hard, was very hard when first married but I have kinda got used to it and in auto pilot abit. I've contacted some places for support and am going to be getting telephone counselling and we are getting reasonable support from cmht
Other than that try talking to the friends who do understand
Ive been doing a evening cookery course which is quite fun :)

Work is hard because I hate leaving him alone all day but thankfully have supportive boss

Just hard when some people dont get it and think I was silly for marrying DH etc. but I love him to bits and dont want this to spoil us, even though right now its really really tough i try not to let my thoughts go down that route

anyone have coping mechanisms? I know I am eating too much junk

I had to turn around on my way to wrk today because hubby was distressed, I am struggling tbh do the rest of you manage to work? I hate leaving him when he is like this.

Everyone just keeps saying wait for meds to kick in but they've doubled over the last 6 weeks with no change in symptoms

@disneyprincess87 sorry no one has responded to your post about ur DH.
I do understand partly how hard it all is and yes he is ill but that doesn't mean you should except abuse. My DH is also sometimes harsh with his words and I have to tell him so he understands how it makes me feel and isn't acceptable.
I hope that you can find things in life to bring you joy, sometimes you have to take a step back abit and leave him to find his way and you focus on urself and your daughter. If he wants the marriage to work he's going to have to show you because thats what you deserve x

What did dr say when you went? was it helpful? I hope so

@wordsmith, I totally relate to the lack of intimacy and we have only been married a short time, It upsets my DH but he is just left with no feelings/ numbness from his meds which is a common problem :( I struggle to see how this can improve when he is so poorly.
Was more of a problem in the beginning because I had expectations when we first married but I've kinda just got used to it now although it wouldn't be my preference.

Evening everyone. How are we all doing?
I really hope the medication has an affect for you all. It’s a case of keeping on going back to the doctors to find the correct medication and strength.
That’s great advice about standing up for myself and lettingrf him know how it makes me feel. I do it occasionally but I’ve found that it’s interpreted as negative criticism and affects him so much. I don’t think he realises the impact of what he’s saying or how it’s wrong.
Hopefully someone will be along soon to give you advice about the anxiety of leaving your husband when you’re at work. I haven’t had to experience that, we work in the same building and DH masks his illness so no one knows anything is the matter. It exhausts him though having to pretend all day.
Doctor was very helpful thank you, had provided me with phone number for telephone consultation to start counselling and medication. I need to look after myself so it was needed. I also joined Slimming World a few months ago to become more healthy, loose baby weight and be a good example for my baby!! Nearly lost two stone so it’s a great feeling to know that I’m in control of my eating and making the right choices.
Xx

@disneyprincess87 thats great welldone on the weight loss!

Hi all
Morning
Just joining for solidarity if that’s ok
My h has been depressed for 7 years now.
He was better last year but it’s back again with a vengeance
You all know what it’s like.
He has a number of lifelong autoimmune conditions.
Hope you all have a good day 🌻

Hi everyone,
Another partner joining for a bit of support and to give a virtual hug to all other partners with a DH suffering from depression.
My DH has only recently been to the doctors and been diagnosed with depression, although he admits to having had dark thoughts for a number of years, although they've just recently become a lot more frequent. Sadly, he also suffers from addiction - both his addiction and depression fuel each other.
The last month has been the toughest of my life. Plenty of tears, sleepless nights, more tears due to lack of sleep, and simply struggling to cope with caring for/ supporting my DH.

I just wondered where else you go for support for you? I've tried to find an online forum for families/partners of people with depression/ addiction, and whilst I've found lots of useful information sheets etc, I can't seem to find a specific (UK based) online community. Obviously there is this part of mumsnet, but I just wondered if there was something a bit more specific?
Big hugs to all

HI all. Haven't posted here for a while but today is not a good day. Just had a call from DH who has been back at work for a few weeks now after extended stress-related leave. He's had an email from his line manager that doesn't require him to do anything but is petty and completely inconsequential. Yet still DH is getting wound up about it. He cannot let anything slide over him, he is totally focused on how this guy is incompetent and out to get him. DH did have a couple of counselling sessions which seemed to really help him understand how he could control these emotions but he seems to think that 2 sessions were enough. Obviously not. I don't know whether it would be easier for him just to hand in his notice and cope with the financial shitstorm, or carry on the way it is. I am just so busy with my work and I cannot concentrate at all.

Hi I’m another struggling partner.

My DH has got OCD/anxiety which causes depression. He had to give up his job last year after 12 months off sick so has not worked for over 2 years. He had a high paying job so it’s been a struggle just living on my salary. I have also had to take time off unpaid as he reached such a state that he couldn’t look after himself at all.

6 months on and things have improved, however he is still very dependent on me. I need to go back to work within the next few weeks as we have completely ran out of money now. I don’t know how he will cope without me around. I am frightened that he will regress and just stay in bed all day.

He has got a car on finance. I asked him to ask for a payment break to help us out financially and it transpires that we can hand it back now with no further obligation. This is good as his credit record will remain intact with no arrears. He knows it makes sense and he has been proactive in making the calls and going to see the dealership. But he is so gutted and says it will make him isolated at home with no car. We still have my car and I’ve said I don’t mind taking buses etc whenever he needs it, but it’s still upsetting. I hope this doesn’t set him back.

I just feel so frustrated that he is still holding on to his OCD behaviours. are increasingly causing him REAL problems. He’s had lots of therapy now and has been told repeatedly what to do, but then still says he doesn’t know what to do...He does know, he just doesn’t want to confront the fear. Even though he’s almost lost everything already.