Devastated and can't cope. Need help

[canderella]

I have never been so messed up and I need help. My mum does 5 months ago. 5 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. I wanted the baby so bad I was so excited but at 12 weeks I decided to terminate because my partner said he would leave if I didn't and it was not feasible for me to be a single mum at the time. Worst decision of my life. After the termination I wanted to get pregnant then I panicked after an accident and had the coil fitted. Hated it had it removed. Had an accident this month, part of me wanted it so bad but then panicked last min and took MAP. Now the past few days I go from feeling terrified of becoming pregnant to wanting one so bad that I want to lie to become pregnant and hoping the MAP won't work. All I have is my partner which I feel is a biased opinion. I start counselling this week however would still like some advice in the meantime from someone neutral. Would appreciate help thank you

I hope I haven't got this wrong but did you mean your mum died ? If so, I wonder if all this turmoil you are feeling is part of the grieving process. I think you need to come to terms with your mum's passing before considering having a baby especially if your partner isn't ready. Maybe try some bereavement counselling. Good luck

Yes my mum died. I reckon your right my head is just all over the place right now

This is a really tough time for you, grieving your mum and your pregnancies. Work really hard with your counselling. Look at your relationship. Don't rush.

When you say all you have is your partner, maybe you feel very alone now your mum has gone. Possibly the thought of a baby is a way of dealing with this? I think you need to deal with her death and the feelings it has brought forward. It will get better in time

I also agree that a lot could be grief talking. A lot of my feelings about my first (unplanned) baby were tied in with feelings about the parent I lost in my teens.
Your partner doesn’t sound too supportive. The opposite, in fact. Try and get some counselling for you. This is such a difficult time for you.

I don't want to bash my partner he is supportive in his own way but I think my fear of getting pregnant and my confusion of wanting to be pregnant comes from him. Deep down I've always wanted kids and never wanted an abortion but I feel it's his fear that's transferred on to me about getting pregnant cause he wants me to get the coil back in and take another MAP to make sure it doesn't happen. Half of me doesn't mind either way

I would really urge you not to get pregnant.

Naturally you are all over the place with your mum’s passing, it’s not the time to make big decisions and not a good time to bring a baby into the middle of what you are going through. There are a lot of hormonal ups and down with a pregnancy and potentially post natal depression afterwards which you probably don’t need right now while you process this bereavement.

The fact that your partner isn’t ready to have a baby yet should be respected. Just take a pause on this. There is no hurry to have a baby to fill that gap left by your mum. Let the dust settle, work out where you are with everything, and where you want to be in the next year or so, and if it’s still about having a baby start with a conversation with your partner rather than a succession of MAP etc. Which will do nothing to help your emotional frame of mind.

I’m really sorry for your loss, this must be a really difficult time 💐