I hate my mum, would counselling help?

[ASD12345]

Hi all. I've been thinking for some time now that perhaps I need counselling to help me with some issues I have with my mother. We've never been close. To be honest, I can't stand the woman. But I've tried all my life to forge some kind of relationship because, well that's the norm isn't? Girls and their mums have the tightest bond supposedly. But I can't bare her, I think she's selfish, useless, and loves to wallow in self pity.

She brought me up to believe that she was a strong, independent single mother but now I'm older, I see she was actually just bitter at the world and always makes out like she did us a favour and we owe her something. When my parents got divorced she would sit, cry and get drunk, and she'd sit me down next to her and spill her guts out to me - I couldn't have been more than 6/7 years old and she should never have leant on me emotionally like that. She didn't protect me from any of it. And I hate her for that.

I thought things had mellowed between us over the last few years - I have a family of my own which has made me see things from a different perspective - but things have happened lately that have reignited my hate for her. When these thoughts come into my head it just ruins my day. I feel stressed, I feel drained, I feel anger. I just wish it would all vanish.

What does counselling actually do for somebody? Is it just a sounding board or does it really help get to the bottom of things? And how do I find a good counsellor? Thank you for reading my post.

I completely understand how you feel. I spent years and years trying to forgive my mother for her emotional abuse. Trying to have a good relationship with her. Trying to pretend that she hasn't damaged me. I hated her but also loved her as my mother. It involves a lot guilt and confusion, and cognitive dissonance to keep up a relationship like that.

I had counselling through work, and whilst I am still angry, I am far far more stable. The biggest outcome for me was that it helped me stop trying. I used to say I didn't care but I did. I was trying to make her love me. The counselling changed my perspective and now I care so much less. I'm still angry, the change is that I'm not feeling guilty and conflicted because of that anger. Counselling was the trigger for me to stop loving her. Which has freed me.

That's sounds amazing, I'm really pleased you managed to find some peace at the end of it all. I need some closure. I don't want her in my life, and I don't want the guilt after we've had an argument - that voice that says "but she's your Mum..." no matter how awful she's been to me.

We had a blazing row yesterday - I was seething so bad, I could have killed someone. Today she did the predictable and sent the "last word" text message saying "hope you have a nice life, I still love you no matter what" etc etc. After having a lovely day with my husband and kids, I'm now full of rage again. I hate her for that, I truly do.

Save your time and money and go NC. You don’t like or love her so stop trying to have a relationship with her. She won’t change. You can change the way you react to her. Learn to ignore her as you would a toddler that is attention seeking. Concentrate your love on your husband and children. They do love you without any drama don’t they? Don’t give your mother any more head space. Let her go. It’s quite freeing when you do.

I bet it is. I will try. The only obstacles I have is firstly the guilt - feeling like I shouldn't feel or treat my mother the way I do, no matter how much she deserves it. Secondly, the constant yearn for an apology or explanation. She has never and probably will never show any remorse for her ways. She has always remained completely unapologetic no matter what and it makes me boil. No matter how much we shout and scream it still doesn't resonate with her. I need to stop caring.

The great joy of being an adult is choosing who you spend your time with. Ideally we'd all get on with our parents. But sometimes they just aren't in a position to be good parents to us. And while we are primed to love them, sometimes we have to distance ourselves because for whatever reason the relationship is damaging.

If it's any consolation OP I've felt that perhaps counselling would be good for me because I've two parents who don't get on and who scapegoat me. But after a while I just saw their behaviour as their responsibility. I can't change them, only my reaction to them. I can see why their relationship failed and how it affected me but I can't change anything. I think I've reached acceptance. I no longer long for them. Very sad.

Yes counselling psychotherapy can help. Find a counselling psychologist with an integrative approach to look at the past, the present and to help you in relationships. By forging a deep relationship with the psychologist you are eased from past ways of relating and feeling into new ways, also led to emotionally process what's happened, and understand its effects. My mother was an alcoholic, I hated her at various times, the wounds need to heal.
Good luck OP

Look on the 'Stately Homes' thread.