Mum having a breakdown after health scare

[BossyBitch]

... and I'm so out of my depth!

Mum had a suspected stroke in December (which luckily turned out to be a 'mere' hypertensive crisis) and spent a week in ICU. This is being controlled now, in the sense that, no, she's not really all fine and dandy but she could technically live and work as before as long as she takes her meds.

However, I don't recognise my own mother anymore. Ever since being released from hospital she seems to have resigned herself to being 'old and sick' now. She was signed off sick for a lot longer than was really needed, went back to work and straight back to being off sick for two weeks - this time with the flu. She won't leave the house, unless she absolutely has to, goes to bed at 7pm, won't go to London with her friends (she lives in Greater London, so we're not talking a massive trip), has lost all interest in her work, etc. She's 59, has a wide social circle and is a professional with two Masters degrees, so hardly a case of 'live over'!

Most recently, she's started seriously fretting about everything she's done wrong in her life. Her current obsession is that she's somehow convinced herself that she has ruined my life. (She hasn't - I was a socially awkward G&T kid growing up in a small town and suffered the inevitable bullying, but I'm a happy, professionally successful, emotionally stable adult these days. I'm really okay - as is my sister!)

This results in her sobbing down the phone for over an hour practically every day. I'm so desperately sorry for how she's feeling but I'm also miles out of my depth here and, quite frankly, not convinced that it does either of us any good for her to verbally self-flagellate by repeatedly listing all the myriad ways in which she's failed me as a parent.

To make thibgs more complicated, my sister and I are both expats, so quickly popping over to mum's is out of the question.

I've suggested she see a therapist to help her get out of her state. And just as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt incredibly guilty because I feel I should somehow be able to fix this for her. The thing is, I really can't. I have no idea how to.

Any advice?

It sounds like she's depressed OP. That's quite common after such a scare. Would she go and see her GP
about it?

Thanks, danger, I agree, she's clearly depressed. I've encouraged her to bring this up with her GP (who's lovely, by the way, and would certainly try to help) as well as to seek counselling.

The thing is, she seems to have unilaterally decided that her life is basically over at this point and just keeps on getting sicker and sicker. Except I'm actually certain that there's nothing much wrong with her physically - minus the blood pressure issue, but people live with that for decades if they're on good medication.

After I posted the OP, she had yet another episode of what I suspect must be some kind of an anxiety attack. She complained of sudden double vision and was promptly rushed back into A&E, where they said there was nothing wrong with her except a little flu-related dehydration. She's now convinced herself she must have a brain tumour (unlikely; they gave her every brain scan imaginable when trying to rule out a stroke last month ...).

I'm really at my wits' end. It's clear that she's not well, but I don't know what to do.

Possibly pertinent to the situation: her mother, my grandmother, while a lovely nan to us girls was very neurotic and was notorious for emotionally blackmailing those around her, especially mum, by saying she was sick and 'threatening' to die if people upset her.

I really don't know what to do anymore short of giving up my job, moving back in with my mother and repeating the whole vicious cycle.

It sounds like you moving back wouldn't actually help her. She really needs to want to sort this out herself. Would your mum give permission for you to phone/email her GP outlining your concerns? Even if she doesn't give permission you could possibly email them- they just wouldn't discuss anything with you.

You can't fix it. She needs to talk to her GP. Are you in contact with any friends or family who are closer?

Ah, your poor Mum. I work in ICU and she is far from unusual in how she’s feeling following an acute critical illness. She’s probably feeling like her body’s ‘let her down’ and she’s terrified of any form of recurrence outside of her comfort zone. It’s a huge crisis of confidence.

There’s a couple of things I’d suggest:

Definitely a trip to the GP - ideally with someone she trusts as support if that’s possible.

Does the ICU she was in have a Critical Care Follow Up Clinic for ex patients? These can be invaluable and can help to access other areas of support. Unfortunately with huge finding cuts () not all ICUs can afford to run them.

There’s also an excellent post ICU support group, www.icusteps.org/ which was set up by a man who spent a long time in a trauma unit. This may also be of some use to you both?

All the best. It’s a tough one. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything.

for both of you.

Did she really have the flu? That can take its toll even on a previously healthy person and lead to depression. I think you should go and see her and say you are worried she is so down and should see the doctor maybe you could go with her? She needs to build her physical health back up and maybe some therapy.

Just realised you are an ex pat. Any chance she could come and stay with you for a while? A holiday might do her good.

Could it be a strange side effect of one of her meds?
What made them initially suspect a stroke, depression after a brain injury is not unusual (did she fall and hit her head at all?).

Thanks, everyone! You've obviously all got a point!

I actually went off to do some research on the psychiatric side effects of drugs thanks to @Ivebeenaroundtheblock and apparently several types of beta-blockers are known to be associated with depression - including one my mother's on in rather high doses.

One would obviously assume that her GP would be aware and on the look-out. Then again, as a professional myself I can attest to the fact that we're by no means immune to oversight and professional error.