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He says I'm smothering him, I just don't understand.

16 replies

fedup1981 · 30/04/2007 00:14

Hi, posting this under a pseudonym. This weekend has been miserable with my partner. I've been at home by myself all week, only getting out once to the supermarket, partner has been in work. Sorry this will be long.

Saturday afternoon the weather was gorgeous so I suggested we could do something nice to get out of the house for a bit, but he just had his eyes on his laptop, didn't answer me. Tried suggesting places to go, just got grunts.

Then I suggested that ok, if he didnt fancy going out, could we get the spare bedroom sorted out because it's going to be a nursery. Ignored me again. So I tried to explain I was really bored, needed to get out of the house or do SOMETHING, as I'd read everything I could this week, cleaned the house loads, kept myself busy as much as possible, but now I was going stir crazy. Still just a bit of a nod, not interested.

So I'm starting to get pissed off (he doesn't have to agree with me but it'd be nice if he acknowledged me when I spoke) Then he puts on an audiobook really loud, without asking, so I can't read, can't watch tv or anything. So I text my family/friends to see if they want to go out, no-one responds.

After about half an hour of the audiobook I ask him quite politely if he hasn't got any headphones he can use because I can't read or watch tv or even put the radio on while it's on. He suddenly screams at me that I'm a miserable c**t and throws his laptop on the floor. I'm stunned and upset, start crying.

Anyway we ignored each other for about three hours, until I do dinner, and he giggles his way through You've Been Framed. Then comes and hugs me in the kitchen as if nothing's happened. I told him to get off, and he's like "you still sulking?" so I said "You don't get away with calling me a c**t!" and he just acts like I'm being irrational.

Anyway he starts shouting about how everything is me me me. So I said "you wouldn't call your mother that name, why do you use it on me? why does she get so much respect and I don't?" and he tells me to just f off. Eventually he smokes enough cigarettes to apologise for calling me that word, but I still don't understand why. i don't call him names when we argue.

Then today I suggested we went out again, so we did, and I thought we had a nice time but he wasn't his usual self. Wasn't talking much, not in the mood. I asked him several times what was wrong, he said nothing. We came home, I said I was going to have a nap. I slept for about four hours, came downstairs, made tea and spent another couple of hours on the net (So did he) and watched some tv. Barely spoke to him.

I asked him about half an hour ago if everything was ok, because he just looks depressed and isn't talking. He said yet again he's fine, obviously isn't, so I went over and asked for a cuddle. He then slammed his laptop shut (no, he wasn't looking at anything suspicious, it's nothing like that) threw it on the floor and yells "ffs...." and storms off, slamming the door.

So against my better judgement I follow him and ask what exactly am I supposed to have done?? and he starts shouting that I'm following him and won't give him any space, and I'm smothering and fussing over him. So I'm crying again and he's saying I put the tears on on purpose. (he always says it. It's like he doesn't like me at all)

I said "ok I'll leave you alone" and went back to the computer, but couldn't stop crying (bloody pregnancy hormones) so he comes in and shouts "what are you crying for NOW?" and "everything's always about you isn't it? why don't you go on that bloody website (mumsnet) and have people tell you how I'm all in the wrong, and it's only you who has the right to be upset"

And all I could come up with is "why are you doing this?"

He's snoring away upstairs now, I'm sat here still crying and feeling this is really unfair. He has me at a disadvantage because he knows I won't shout as the walls are paper thin. He shouts and I back down because he's shouting. I just don't understand why he's like this.

Sorry this was so long, just needed to tell someone and if I use the phone (if I had anyone to call) he'll hear. I feel like sleeping on the sofa and then buggering off to my sisters tomorrow for a few days, if she isnt busy.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 30/04/2007 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedup1981 · 30/04/2007 00:17

hah!

OP posts:
Sunyshineymummy · 30/04/2007 00:19

I hope someone can help but hugs and love to you in the meantime.

fireflyfairy2 · 30/04/2007 00:25

He sounds like a bloody petulant child to me!

How far along in your pregnancy are you?

JTmummy · 30/04/2007 00:27

i have to butt in and say if he's like this when you are pregnant hows he going to cope when your attention is on the baby and your exhausted and you need his support. shouting at you and swearing at you is abuse, domestic violence even. you need to get some relationship counciling, having a baby is such a biog thing but it should be happy, the walls are paper thin, that baby is going to know daddy shouts from before birth! not good, get some support as marriage gets more difficult once baby is there not easier.

Busybean · 30/04/2007 00:33

hmmm, sounds familiar, i would say, yes, go to your sis if its poss and give him a few daysd breathing space and space to reflect on his behaviour(has always worked for me)

fedup1981 · 30/04/2007 00:37

26 weeks along. It wasn't planned and to be honest he didn't want it but I couldn't bear to get rid just because we didn't have much money. So then I told him I hated the idea of an abortion jut because of money, and he said "so we're keeping it then" and I just sortof assumed he had decided, but now I wonder if it was a question. He was freaked out and weird about it for about a month, now he seems better but sometimes I wonder if he even wants us at all.

To make things worse we live far away from his family and friends and when he goes to visit (about once every 2 months) it's so nice to have some time apart that I usually say I don't want to go, and this has caused a lot of resentment, he's now convinced I hate his family/mother (I don't!)

I know he's lonely and I fuss over him too much, but I'm a caring person (literally- I was a carer for my Mum before she died 2 years ago) and if someone looks upset I question it and comfort them. I don't know what else to do? What else DO you do?

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 30/04/2007 00:43

Maybe that he wants some time at home to himself after his week at work, whereas you're itching to get out after being at home all week?

What about deciding that one day at the weekend is for getting out or getting stuff done in the house and one day is for relaxing at home or personal stuff?

JTmummy · 30/04/2007 00:44

i don't agree with running away because there will be a cycle (busybean you say "has always worked for me" so presume it's not a one-off? when is it is there is a bloke that f's and c's at you?) he needs to grow up, sort his issues out and respect the mother of his child (yes he may be scared but reacting like that doesn't solve things) or he's needs to be out of yours and the baby's life and you both needs a calm and caring environment" how will he react if you run out of nappies in the middle of the night? ignore you? or baby is screaming all through the nigh at day at weekends, shout and swear at you? throw the lap top around?
relate is excellent (I know as i have/had DH with a few issues and he needed help to discuss (men!!) and you only pay what you can afford. in my DH's case it was the responsibility of DS1 which opened up all his old scars (and he had them for good reason) and it stopped him being a good daddy.

eldoradointhestoneage · 30/04/2007 01:00

If someone looks upset I think one other thing you can sometimes do is grit your teeth and wait for it to pass.

I'm just looking at that one thing in isolation - I'm afraid I can't give you any very good advice about your overall situation.

I have a tendency to fret around an upset/moody partner and I know part of that is that really I'm trying to get to a point where I'm reassured for my own sake that they're OK, as if they're not that might mean problems for us. In other words it's a mixture of affection for them and worry about the relationship - sounds selfish I know but I've realised it's true. In my case it shows itself as me tending to fuss and always to want arguments resolved straight away so I can get back to being reassured that my oh still feels OK towards me and isn't angry, that we're OK basically. Walking away and allowing him to have a bad mood is something I find really, really hard because I see an uncontrolled bad mood in him as dangerous, so I feel I have to get in and fix it straight away, persuade him out of it, and so on.

Anyway, your situation isn't mine, of course. But I have had to learn to just allow some bad moods to run their course and not always take them personally, as putting too much pressure on my other half to tell me what's wrong, to justify his mood, basically to stop being like that and be normal again, can cause more irritation with me and actually make things worse.

Like I said though, that's just looking at that bit of your situation in isolation. Personally I would be very angry at the sort of language you've had and that would be giving me doubts about the overall relationship, but I'm afraid I haven't got anything really useful to suggest...

fedup1981 · 30/04/2007 01:12

I'm worried about all that myself. Currently we have all sorts of issues going on, I think it's all been made worse since I lost my job (and I'm not entitled to any benefits) so money is getting really tight, this week for example I have £28 in the bank, once that's gone that's it. He gets paid monthly, it's ALL already spoken for and we have perhaps £400 of bills on top of that which aren't going to get paid.

So I know he's angry about that too and angry with me for losing the job. I think he thinks I got pregnant so I didn't have to work.

How can men upset their partners then leave them crying and go and sleep soundly? It's making me hate him.

OP posts:
redser · 02/06/2007 22:55

my heart goes out to you,Im a strong woman but have had pnd and got very clingy and weepy but im getting better and im finding as im backing off hes showing he cares a bit more.I think sometimes i expect him to know wat to do and after all hes just a man!!But you deserve respect so id sit down calmly(dont cry)and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable just like you would tell a child.I have shouted back insults and it doesnt solve anything but i think you both need space sometimes so try and talk it through(last night i had bottle of wine out with mates then told dh exactly wat i thought of him).so hes not talking to me now.Looking back shud have said things sober Ah well chin up!!

Haribosmum · 03/06/2007 09:07

Yeah he sounds scared to me. Not that it's an excuse for calling you tose names. My husband lost his job last September when I was 5 months pregnant and I was already of sick leave so money was REALLY tight. It caused a lot of tensions between us. All I could think was 'oh Sh@t, we have a baby coming along is 4 months'. We already had a 2yr old. Maybe he thinks you're the only one he can take out his 'scaredness ' on? He sounds like he needs to talk about how he is feeling. Maybe it's a macho thing and he won't allow himself to act scared so he acts this way instead?

Haribosmum · 03/06/2007 20:11

Oooh that was interesting. Just watched something and this sciencey/phychology guy said that when men feel scared/nervous about a situation they tend to give off 'fake anger'. Interesting eh?

jackie2kids · 03/06/2007 20:18

Poor you fedup. He really is behaving like a twat. None of this is your fault.

It sounds as if he is worried and stressed.

Some men do rally round (and grow up) when the baby comes.

Good luck

Aloveheart · 03/06/2007 20:22

My dp has moods and makes arguments over nothing....
a good whack around the head works a treat!!! lol joking.

Sorry your feeling like this hope you can sort things out.

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